The latest is from Vikings owner Red McCombs, who says he might bolt Minnesota if the state legislature doesn't come up with, oh, about $350 million for a new stadium. Meanwhile, the Twins might be moved or contracted altogether, which means Minneapolis could become the first city to lose three major franchises: the Vikings, the Twins and Mary Tyler Moore.

The San Diego Chargers are making noises about moving up I-5 to Los Angeles. The Charlotte Hornets are ditching Carolina for New Orleans. The Montreal Expos are lame canards. The Vancouver Grizzlies lasted six seasons before crossing the border for Memphis.

In short, chaos, bedlam ... opportunity?

After years of neglect, it's time to right a fundamental sports wrong caused by money-driven expansion, relocation and possible contraction. It's time to adjust nicknames.

The offenders, followed by the solutions:

	The Wasatch Mountains aren't the first thing associated with jazz.

UTAH JAZZ

Twenty-three years after the move, this is still America's stupidest marriage of location and nickname. Wasatch Mountains and John Coltrane? Don't think so.

Suggestions: Salt Eaters, Pick-and-Rolls, Latter Day Dunkers, Floaters.

Our Pick: Jello Eaters, in honor of the Winter Games craze.

NEW ORLEANS HORNETS

A no-brainer. With the Jazz now available, New Orleans gets its rightful nickname back.

Suggestions: Carpetbaggers, Al Hirts, Balcony Whizzers, Show Us Your ... .

Our Pick: Jazz.

ARIZONA CARDINALS

Owner Bill Bidwell needs help. But hasn't he always?

Suggestions: Hydrators, SPF-21s, Del Webbs, Heat Strokers.

Our Pick: Dry Heats.

ST. LOUIS RAMS

National Geographic looked; it couldn't find any rams in St. Louis. Owner Georgia Frontiere, who moved the team from Southern California to the banks of the Mississippi River, should have known better.

Suggestions: (In honor of Georgia's media guide photo) Artist Renderings, Air Brushes, Botoxes. Or, Husband No. 9s (subject to change), Exes, Humidity.

Our Pick: Costases.

MONTREAL EXPOS

They weren't kidding about Fan Appreciation Night. Only one fan showed up.

Suggestions: Ex-Pos, Ex-Pros, Ex-Pels. Washington Senators.

Our Pick: Au Revoirs.

MINNESOTA TWINS

Even a new stadium deal might not be enough to keep the Twins in town.

Suggestions: Litigants, P.O. Boxes, Forwarding Addresses, Bedouins, This Bud's For Youse, Mosquitos The Size of Teradactyls.

Our Pick: Evictees.

MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES

Jerry West's to-do list should include the following: Draft Mike Dunleavy ... Change stupid nickname to reflect Memphis culture.

Suggestions: Muddy Waters, Suede Shoes, BBQs.

Our Pick: Angioplasties.

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

The Irsays should never have loaded the nickname on the moving van that night in Baltimore.

Suggestions: Left Turners, Bricks, Unsers.

Our Pick: Diddly-Poohs.

LOS ANGELES LAKERS

Owner/playboy Jerry Buss knows California isn't the land of 10,000 lakes.

Suggestions: Cleavage, Statutories, Tummy Tucks.

Our Pick: Jeannies.

LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS

Famed LA real estate developer Donald Sterling is overseeing the franchise's newest 20-year rebuilding plan.

Suggestions: Tax Writeoffs, Amortizations, Q-School.

Our Pick: Collaterals.

COLORADO AVALANCHE

One sensitive local columnist has said that the word avalanche shouldn't be used because of the death and destruction associated with the event.

Suggestions: Snow Falling Gently on Aspens.

Our Pick: Avalanche.

Gene Wojciechowski is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine. E-mail him at gene.wojciechowski@espnmag.com.