You want inside information? You want to get so far inside the huddle you're looking up at 11 pairs of nostrils? You want quick, up-to-the-minute stats and the kind of trend-o-vision that allows you to know what's hot before it's even warm?

You're right where you belong. This world is filled with football experts. Every website, every television station, every newspaper has five or six guys who talk to the right people and ask the right questions. But right here you'll find the expert's expert, the kind of expert who pretends to convey knowledge by sounding way, way inside the game.

You want to know what to look for in the playoff games this weekend? For one thing, defense wins championships. Usually good defenses, but sometimes really, really good offenses are good enough to make up for defenses who aren't championship-caliber.

For another thing, big-play players have -- absolutely have -- to make big plays in big games. There's really no other way, because when you rely on small-play players to make big plays, you're really asking someone to do something he's not used to doing.

Last week: 0-4.
This week's picks: Raiders, Vikings, Giants, Ravens.

Just go ahead and write in Texas A&M for the Aloha Bowl next year: The best moment of the bowl season came when the cameras caught the three-inch pile of snow on the bill of Jackie Sherrill's cap during the Independence Bowl.

Saving his best for last: "They are losing serious heat tiles off the nose cone here" -- Dennis Miller on the Saints' late-game disintegration against the Rams.

Funny, because on TV he doesn't look much bigger than a fullback: When Miami tight end Jeremy Shockey scored a touchdown in the Sugar Bowl, the ABC graphic listed him as "Jeremy Schaap."

Let's see, Toronto is in the American League East, a division that includes Boston, Tampa Bay, Baltimore and ? what's that other team?: David Wells says he wants to become a Met in order to "beat the pants off the Yankees."

Proof that a billion dollars doesn't always buy you a life that's a whole lot more interesting than yours and mine: Mavs owner Mark Cuban, fined $250,000 for flagrant criticism of the NBA referees, says he has charts -- charts! -- that show how unfairly his team has been treated.

Oh, come on fellas, why we have to ruin a nice day with talk like this?: As far as public denials go, Bob Stoops' attempt to defuse the Ohio State rumblings was not what we'd call vigorous.

In one telling sentence, it's the reason teams always love Andre Rison the first year and shake their heads after that: Commenting on his abilities this week, he said, "I miss one every now and then, just to remind myself I'm human."

He might consider it a promotion, but there'll be hell to pay if they put Glanville on there: Matt Millen's apparent decision to become the president and GM of the Lions means the breakup of the game's most entertaining radio combination (Millen and Boomer Esiaison).

It's not that surprising if you consider all the years he's been building up to it: Tony Delk -- 53 against the Kings.

And it's even less surprising if you consider one other factor: Jason Williams' defense.

To which you might want to ask, "Wait -- ain't that what got him in trouble in the first place?": Fired UNLV coach Bill Bayno was rehired by the university as a fund-raiser.

Proof that America has far too much free time on its hands: Tiger's blond hair was the subject of an Internet poll this week.

Many a man has learned the hard way not to doubt the wisdom of the oddsmakers, but still: The Saints are 7-1 on the road this season, the Vikings haven't won a game in a month, and Minnesota is an 8-point favorite.

It's shocking, of course, that Dennis Erickson's guys would stray even the slightest from the strictest of protocols: Oregon State Beavers -- hell of a team, but from a distance they don't appear to be an overly humble bunch.

You deserve the moment, sir, because you are so very much a part of the team's success: Sebastian, the Miami Ibis.

There are copy editors out there who wait their whole careers to write a headline as chillingly compelling as this: A USA Today head on Thursday proclaimed "Fire deal Kubik to Burn."

And finally, it's too late now, but let it be a lesson for us all: If Kubik knew he might not only be dealt but burned as part of the deal, you have to believe he would have demanded a no-trade clause.

Tim Keown is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine. E-mail tim.keown@espnmag.com.