We're riding the 7 train right on through till midnight, saying goodbye to 2000 the only proper way. John Rocker is at the controls, head out the side window, howling at the tunnel walls.

In the dining car, Allen Iverson the artiste is doing a few numbers from his latest release. Dennis Miller is calling everyone by their nicknames. Pedro Martinez is laughing at the rest of the American League.

C.J. Hunter is crying.

Sammy Sosa is telling half the car he wants to be a Cub forever and the other half he can't believe how horribly they're treating him.

Marshall Faulk is weaving his way through the crowd, and nobody can get a hand on him.

Bobby Knight is taking tickets, making sure everyone brings their manners.

Roger Clemens is sitting by himself, and to be honest, he looks a little scary.

And in the very back, standing in front of a group of sleeping, sprawling riders, there's a man reading from the script of NBC's Olympic coverage: "And there's a chill in the air," he's saying, "and the chill is the sound of death, and the sound of death must mean winter is near, and winter is when (insert Olympic athlete's name here) remembers the longest day, the day (Grandma/Coach/Auntie) first began to feel that slight ache in the lungs ..."

And then God told him to sign with the Packers, retire, and then unretire to play for the Panthers: The winner of the national spelling bee explained that he wasn't surprised by his win because God told him he was going to win.

I guess it depends on what the definition of "we" is: Three Braves announcers were barred from flying on the team charter after they revealed that the players have a habit of altering the catcher's box.

They also changed the lyrics to read, "Come to me with those slightly effeminate tendencies ...": Hoop magazine, an NBA publication, airbrushed out tattoos and earrings from a cover photograph of Allen Iverson.

One man's version of "compassionate conservatism": Mark Chmura, who refused to go attend the White House celebration in honor of the Packers because of President Clinton's immorality, was charged with forcing his 17-year-old babysitter to have sex during a drunken prom party.

You can quote me on that: Asked around midseason whether he could see himself finishing the season as a Cub, Sammy Sosa said, "Probably yes, probably no."

And could someone please tell that Peter Gammons to do something about his hair?: A St. Louis newspaper reported that Ken Griffey Jr. called ESPN headquarters to complain about the frequency of Jim Edmonds highlights. (Griffey denied it.)

The first marketing campaign directed at aging, overweight males and pre-acne middle schoolers: The WNBA's new slogan was "We're Better Than You Are."

Not to get off on a kindly, gentle rant or anything, but ...: The biggest disappointment of Dennis Miller's first year as a football announcer was how damned much he liked everybody.

Seller: STILLBROKEANDSTUPID (3): A school-hall monitor from Albany, N.Y., was charged with possession of stolen property when he attempted to sell two of Mike Tyson's championship belts on eBay.

From now on, Tagliabue has ordered all confessions to take place under seal: Three times the NFL found it necessary to apologize to the Steelers for incorrect calls made by officials.

And it would have been Jets-Giants, too, dammit!: After the Jets lost to the Ravens last Sunday to eliminate themselves from the playoffs, a New York Post writer termed it "The Day He [Vinny Testaverde] Threw Away the Super Bowl."

Giving Madison Ave. a new appreciation for men in Lycra: Lance Armstrong, winning his second straight Tour de France.

As clinical tests have proven, it's still no guarantee you won't fall down: John Daly recorded his first country song, "You Can Lean On Me."

We're not quite sure what he did, but we all love him just the same: Rulon Gardner.

But hey -- if Cousin Dubya says one more word about the burned hot dogs so help me God: Several pro wrestlers went on a media tour to promote a cause they called "Just Say No to Backyard Wrestling."

Meanwhile, on the field, men repeatedly grab their crotches and pat each other on the ass: Dodger Stadium security guards ejected two lesbian fans after other fans complained that the two had kissed.

Sure sign the end is near: Crucial.com Humanitarian Bowl.

Reached at his summer home, Allah angrily denied responsibility: Speaking of Lennox Lewis, Mike Tyson said, "I want your heart. I want to eat your children. Praise be to Allah."

He perfected his form doing "YMCA" during many, many seventh-inning stretches: Larry Johnson and the Big L.

So, the answer to that old question is, 332 licks and 12 1/2 games out of first: Dodgers center fielder Todd Hollandsworth played the outfield with a Tootsie Pop in his mouth.

After that, they played Jeff Van Gundy expressing his opinion of Big Chief Triangle: The Pacers used video clips from Phil Jackson's press conferences to incite the crowd during the Finals -- until Phil asked them to stop.

Just for the heck of it: The Bluebonnet Bowl on the Mizlou Network, live from the Houston Astrodome on New Year's Eve.

The next day, Eddie learned that D-Con is not short for decongestant: Eddie Belfour blamed his poor performance in goal for the Stars in Game 1 of the Stanley Cup finals on an over-the-counter cold medicine.

And, oh yeah, that was twenty-six straight games: A biography of Joe DiMaggio revealed that the Clipper hit Marilyn Monroe, consorted with organized-crime figures, hated the Kennedys and was very, very cheap.

In the Seventh Circle of Hell, roommates: Rocker and Iverson.

All this time we were concerned for his well-being and he was just auditioning for a spot on Ally McBeal: Todd Marinovich.

Yet another example of the mainstream media's obsession with negative reporting and reliance on lurid half-truths: A midseason article on Todd Helton in USA Today included this bombshell -- "Helton said he won't stop working at being good."

Future historians will note it as the day the dot-com revolution took an irreversible downward turn: Barry Sanders launched a web site to sell his own merchandise and -- oh by the way -- to announce to his fans that he won't be playing again.

Reason why people in their 30s will someday look at pro sports and say, "Man, wouldn't it be nice if we had a few Steinbrenners around to calm things down?": Daniel Snyder.

The kid was lucky, because only the savviest street warriors know those three words can get you killed in many American cities: What's up, Knight?

Hi, honey, dinner's on the table, the kids are at my mother's and I just alienated most of your fan base: Jerry Rice's wife called a San Francisco radio talk show to complain that Jeff Garcia's throws don't lead her husband the way Joe Montana's and Steve Young's did.

It all started when his girlfriend phoned a call-in show to complain about the price of premium unleaded: Tiger Woods told a golf magazine he feels underappreciated and might want a piece of the PGA's TV money.

So ... OK ... like ... who throws a better ball -- Young or Montana?: askOJ.com.

And finally, three words we hope we never see connected again: Bat-throwing incident.

Tim Keown is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine. E-mail tim.keown@espnmag.com.