There's a fat, unattractive man on television wearing his underwear and a pair of unattractive sneakers. There is music playing and he is dancing, extravagantly.

Defy reason, the screen tells us. These shoes and this man, apparently, defy reason.

We can accept that.

These shoes and this man, apparently, represent something for which we are expected to strive. And it is here, in the blind acceptance of the white noise of advertising, that we have a problem.

If these shoes and this man represent the defiance of reason, there is one question we must ask: Who decided reason was a bad thing, and when?

Defy convention, the screen also tells us, because Reebok wants you know that you're not just buying a pair of shoes. No, because just buying a pair of shoes would be boring and mundane. That would mean you are simply making a purchase in order to cover your feet. But in this case -- the case of the dancing fat man -- you're making a lifestyle choice, one that brings you closer to wearing a sumo-style diaper and dancing on national television.

It is not a purchase; it is a goal. It is not a purchase; it is an act of rebellion. It is not a purchase; it is an anti-establishment statement, defying all those who would deny you the right to be who you are.

So go ahead and dance in your underwear, but only in these activity-specific shoes. Defy, even if you don't know why.

This Week's List

It might mean nothing, but we'd prefer to believe it carries a significant message to all who follow: All the headband teams -- gone.

Or, if he wanted a completely free ride, he should have missed the playoffs altogether: If Vince Carter didn't want any criticism for his off-court activities, he should have skipped the graduation and gone to the Gold Club.

The moment we're all waiting for: When a player takes a private flight directly from the NBA Finals to his high school graduation.

Two questions to ask yourself in light of Carter's decision to attend his graduation on the day of Game 7 of the semis: 1) What Would Jordan Do?; 2) When does the Vince-in-cap-and-gown Nike commercial begin airing?

One guy the Lakers might consider giving at least a partial share: Juwan Howard, who made Derek Anderson largely irrelevant.

What's the closest -- Rick Barry in '75?: What Allen Iverson is doing -- attempting to take a team to the Finals as its lone legitimate scorer -- is damned near unprecedented.

And now we go Inside the NBA, the only place you get the kind of information you need to inform and delight: When the Bucks and Sixers take the floor, there is a disproportionately large number of interesting -- okay, just plain ugly -- mugs out there.

Take away those funny, insightful men and replace them with cardboard cutouts, please: With the TNT portion of the NBA Playoffs over, we get P.J. Carlesimo, Kevin Johnson and Ahmad Rashad instead of Kenny Smith, Charles Barkley and Ernie Johnson.

The word "begat" should be thrown in there somewhere: Pat Croce was Mark Cuban before Mark Cuban.

A headline that makes you think, "They couldn't really mean it that way -- could they?": "Chicago Bulls considering application for WNBA team."

At long last, the respect they so richly deserve: The Pennsylvania Valley Dawgs.

To summarize, we all know gay ballplayers exist, and we all know none of them will come out while they're playing, so can't we all move along and admit there's nothing to see here?: This editor of Out magazine is getting far more publicity than he deserves.

It's a dream matchup, filled with indirect insults, vaguely intellectual putdowns and high-decibel whining: Phil Jackson and George Karl.

Once again, our country faces its most painful truths through satire: This week the headline atop The Onion's "story" on Ray Allen reads, "Pro Athlete Lauded For Being Decent Human Being."

Actually, sir, they're booing because you bluffed with a pair of 3s: After being harassed at Shea Stadium, Rickey Henderson said, "I accept it as respect. You're trying to boo Rickey to get his attention."

In short, it's an electronic gathering place for those who could really, really use a free watch or a gift certificate to a music store: There is an unappreciated beauty to the baseball radio pregame show, where we hear from rookies up from the bushes, coaches who can handle a fungo and scouts who swear the kid at Double-A has a chance to be better than Mays.

And finally, airing next week on The Revisionist History Channel: Christopher Walken starring in On Principle: The Al Davis Story.

Tim Keown is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine. E-mail tim.keown@espnmag.com.