When Rep. Robert Wexler, D-Fla., asked Selig to say whether the Florida Marlins would survive for several more years, Selig responded, "We're there now and let's hope it all works out."
-- Associated Press, Dec. 6

Voice over: Thank you for tuning in to Existentialist Bud, a first-of-its-kind docu-drama about one powerful man's uncanny inability to connect with the outside world. Let's listen in as Existentialist Bud speaks to a congressional panel examining baseball's anti-trust exemption.

Existentialist Bud: We have nothing, but what we do have is hope. Hope is important, vital even, to being somewhere and having it all work out.

So when you ask me, Mr. Representative, about such things as plans and specifics, I give you what I have. I have these numbers, which show exactly what they show. The money that has been lost has not been found. The teams that are there now are there now.

They are losing money faster than they can make it, that I assure you. Cross my heart and hope to die. That's the point of these numbers. That's the point of me. The game is not the point. The game is in dire, dire straits, and dire is not a word I think of when I turn my thoughts toward the warm, sunny beaches of South Florida.

Wexler: But Mr. Selig, you're avoiding the question. Can you tell the people of South Florida they will have a baseball team in the future?

EB: It's a broad question, of course. Baseball is such a large entity, with many subentities. The entities we have are there now, as are many subentities that are there now and might be there in the future. The future is out of our hands. We have made no decisions other than these numbers, which are very, very dire numbers. Hundreds of millions lost, in addition to stuff the accountants haven't found yet. I repeat, dire. The numbers, I think, speak for themselves, speak for me, speak for all of us.

Wexler: So baseball, in your view, is about ... what?

EB: Yes, that's right. It is. Anybody can see that.

This Week's List

And now, for his next trick, Bud Selig will do what was previously thought impossible: Make Jesse Ventura sound sensible.

It was sort of like playing with a sprained ankle, only this time the pain was somebody else's: A headline this week read, "Olowakandi has double-double amid felony charges."

The most impressive part is: Usually the double-double is overrated, but Olowakandi brought back some much-needed legitimacy.

The Yankees' projected starting lineup, for use whenever they get around to playing again: RF Johnny Damon, SS Derek Jeter, CF Bernie Williams, 1B Jason Giambi, DH Juan Gonzalez, LF Moises Alou, C Jorge Posada, 3B Robin Ventura, 2B Alfonso Soriano.

Steinbrenner might be the death of baseball, and it's too bad Jason Giambi had to follow the green, but remember one thing: With a little foresight and a minimum concession, Oakland's owners could have locked up Giambi in spring training.

The university has chosen Bud Selig, patron of the lost cause, to give the opening statement: The Salt Lake Tribune reported the following -- "Upset at having been shut out of college football's Bowl Championship Series despite having one of the nation's only two undefeated teams, Brigham Young athletic director Val Hale said Tuesday that the Cougars might consider suing the BCS for alleged anti-trust violations."

By now we realize the truth about the BCS: We were better off with the old arguments than the new solution.

Good thing they're in the NBA, because Commissioner Selig would have them contracted by Jan. 1: The Rockets lost to the Bulls and the Wizards in the same week.

This week on the Hallmark Hall of Fame: The Return of the Zendejas Brothers, starring Marty and Bill Gramatica.

For more information: Go to gramaticabrothers.com, where you will learn of the existence of a third kicking Gramatica, Santiago, adding further credence to the Zendejas theory.

This week's poll question: What makes you most jealous of Randy Moss? A) suave way with words; B) complete leverage over his bosses; C) ability to live in parallel universe, wholly unencumbered by everyday concerns.

(Reader alert: Weak, cheap and too-easy joke contained in next item.)

He said later that he saw the player in question approaching, but he couldn't make heads or tails of him: Back judge Phil Luckett (formerly referee Phil Luckett) on Joe Horn.

And finally, the dancing dogs and fire-eating preschoolers are going through two-a-days, just in case: A little fluid on the knee has management of weak NBA teams everywhere making contingency plans in case Michael Jordan opts out of their home game with the Wizards.

Tim Keown is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine. E-mail him at tim.keown@espnmag.com.