The NFL playoffs start this weekend, and there are two overriding themes as voiced by the respective combatants. They are conveniently separated by conference.

NFC: "Maybe we have a chance if the Rams throw 17 interceptions, drop every kickoff, forget to play their linebackers and leave Mike Martz boarded up in a skid row motel with eight cartons of spicy hot Cheet-os and a gallon of Strawberry Quik."

AFC: "Hey, why the hell can’t the (pick one: Ravens, Raiders, Jets, Steelers, Dolphins, Patriots) win?"

When it comes to inspirational themes, "It’s Gotta Be Somebody" doesn’t rank up there with Henry’s liberty-or-death, but that’s the AFC for you.

The AFC is like waking up on a Saturday morning, thinking you’ve got the whole day to do nothing but plan big projects you know you’ll never start, only to remember you promised to help your wife’s uncle clean his garage before the big move to the rest home.

The AFC is 11 hours spent in horrible traffic, sitting directly behind some guy in a ’72 Capri with a "Like What You See? Keep Dreaming" license plate holder.

Now, feel free to use this information while wagering. It is not -- repeat: not -- for entertainment purposes only. This is a special, one-time only offer. Free picks. That’s right -- free picks. Absolutely free. Call within the next hour and you’ll also receive my Final Four locks.

This Week’s List:

By the looks of Mark Cuban, there’s one more investment he’s going to have to make before he runs that Dairy Queen: A hair net.

Okay, we’re ready for the next installment: Next week on HBO, a no-holds-barred look at the relationship between Brian Billick and offensive coordinator Matt Cavanaugh.

Here’s what you saw if you’re a member of the Seattle Seahawks, watching Monday night’s game knowing you needed the Vikings to beat the Ravens in order to make the playoffs: 1) Spergon Wynn, making everyone reconsider every harsh thing they’ve ever said about Ryan Leaf or Deiter Brock, and; 2) Randy Moss, walking through another game.

What he was trying to say, we assume, is that it’s huge: Asked about something or other leading up to Sunday’s playoff game against the Packers, 49ers coach Steve Mariucci said, "The bigness of this game differs from the other big games we’ve played."

If he had intended to insult them, he would have said something about their washboard stomachs: The bigness statement came after Mariucci called Green Bay a "big hairy armpit" and then tried to pawn it off as a compliment.

Hey, that’s okay -- we’re all too stupid to draw any conclusions from this: The Minneapolis Star-Tribune reported that in 1995 Bud Selig secured a loan for the Brewers through a company owned by Twins owner Carl Pohlad.

Yep, that’s right: The same Carl Pohlad who will reap a $150 million windfall if Selig’s blithering contraction idea becomes reality.

Three things to remember about SeligGate: 1) the loan is a direct violation of Major League rules; 2) Bud was acting as commissioner at the time of the loan; 3) White Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf, asked to comment, said, "It was one of our rules, and if we chose to enforce it or not enforce it, that’s our thing."

In other words: Business as usual, and if you don’t like it you ... ah, who cares.

It’s kind of like the cell phone thing, where it’s now hip not to have one: College basketball crowds are in serious danger of diluting the impact of storming the court.

Most annoying cliché currently in vogue in sports: The next level, as in, "He’s good enough to play at the next level."

Or maybe even the Turkish League: When an announcer says a college hoops player is "good enough to play at the next level," wouldn’t that mean the NBA Developmental League?

And then, proving that meaningless drivel is not limited to sports: The term "comfort food."

Speaking of the NBA Developmental League, for those of us who are geographically challenged on matters of the Carolinas: Why, exactly, do we need the distinction North Charleston?

One guy who seems eminently capable of being fired and getting through it: George Seifert.

Predictable downfall: The Blazers, because whenever you look at a roster and think, "It’s going to be a good year for local bail bondsmen," you’re not thinking championship.

Play along with Bay Area talk-show callers as they posit reasons why the mysterious Sebastian Janikowski couldn’t kick last week: 1) as the Raiders say, he has a recurrence of cellulitis in his kicking foot; 2) barefoot and partying, he stepped on a wine glass and cut himself; 3) fighting with a friend in the back of a limo, he cut his foot by kicking out a window of said limo.

And, finally, just a question: If the Raiders were going to lie in order to protect Janikowski’s spotless image, couldn’t they have come up with something more flattering than cellulitis?

Tim Keown is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine. E-mail him at tim.keown@espnmag.com.