SALT LAKE CITY -- The biggest surprise at the Olympics is the talk. Not the incessant and insufferable talk about the skating judges, but the incessant and insufferable talk at the Olympic venues.

There are emcees everywhere, telling you what’s happening while it’s happening. The problem is, it feels like they rounded up all the rejected resumes from Good Morning Utah! and gave all of them jobs. They’re all stoked, and they’re all pumped, and every ride is awesome and every competitor is gnarly. And while we’re at it, let’s show some love to the people of Finland.

Before it’s over, somebody’s going to pull something straining to be hip.

This is true at the speedskating venue, where the emcee takes us around the track with every racer, telling the folks in the north stands to "Give it up for them, right now!" It’s true at the alpine skiing events, which is a little more understandable since the spectators don’t get to see the downhillers until they’re in the final few seconds of their run. It’s true at the luge run, where your eighth-of-a-nanosecond view of the racers is supposedly offset by the high-decibel yammering of the guys in the booth, who are probably watching the same big screens the rest of us are.

The phenomenon is a spillover from our regular sporting events, especially the NBA, where forced drama and loud music and dancing hyenas make the bad-act PA announcers seem almost tame.

So, by all means, come to the Olympics. It’s a tremendous spectacle and a feat of logistical improbability. It’s beautiful, too, with bright sun and beautiful mountains and friendly locals.

Don’t forget: Bring your Visa -- and your earplugs.

This Week’s List:

Winter events we’d like to see: The cafeteria tray, in the luge run.

Because, after all: Many of the events here appear to be the result of two bored 12-year-olds in Vermont, trying to figure out what to do in a blizzard.

And then, after approximately five seconds of consideration, the skeleton was born: "Hey, dude -- let’s go headfirst this time."

A rule that fits just about anywhere, but especially in sports: Competitions that are decided by either clocks or scores are far superior to those decided by someone wielding a pencil and a grudge.

Sample commentary from Scott Hamilton: "Triple toe loop coming up … a double. Here’s a double lutz … he singled it."

It might not be a perfect analogy, but: Isn’t that like calling ball or strike before the ball is thrown?

Shocking report leading the 10 p.m. news Thursday night on the NBC affiliate in you-know-where: "It seems the whole world is in love with Salt Lake City."

Call it the Pete Rose Principle: David Pelletier and Jamie Sale wouldn’t be getting five percent of this attention if they had won this thing outright.

One question remains unanswered: Has NBC completed the adoption papers for Pelletier and Sale?

Oh, and one other: Do the cities that lost out on these Olympics because of Salt Lake City’s successful bribery efforts have a chance to appeal on the same grounds as Sale and Pelletier?

Just for the heck of it: Eddie the Eagle.

Olympiad after Olympiad, there’s one thing that always manages to remain funny: Biathlon.

One thing the Winter Games are not: The Diversity Games.

And, thankfully, one other thing they are not: The Mormon Games.

In fact: The loudest and most obnoxious proselytizers are the anti-Mormon proselytizers.

In this day and age, this is a remarkable feat: People from scores of countries can get together and everybody can still manage to look just about the same.

Then again: The locals aren’t adding much diversity to the mix, either.

So you paid $100 for a ticket to U.S. vs. China, and it’s 10-0 in the first: There’s nothing wrong with women’s Olympic hockey that a two-team tournament (Canada and U.S.) couldn’t solve.

X-ray fashion: The Canadian speedskating uniforms.

Good for Sale and Pelletier, but don’t forget the truth: If the Russians were the ones who got jobbed, there wouldn’t have been the uproar, or the reversal.

Apparently they weren’t crooked, just stupid: Why was the French judge not allowed to choose the Russians, but four other judges were?

Stand up dude: IOC President Jacques Rogge.

In the spirit of international goodwill and moral outrage, why stop there?: Golds for everyone!

Figure skating: Pro wrestling with better diets and busier hairdressers.

And finally, just because there’s more to life than snow and ice: As we speak, there are pitchers half-heartedly covering first base while pondering their tee times.

Tim Keown is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine. E-mail him at tim.keown@espnmag.com.