You’ve just hit the most amazing shot of your life, an off-balance baseline three from directly in front of the opponent’s bench to put your team up by two with 3.2 seconds left in the seventh game of the conference finals.

The other guys disgustedly call timeout. The game’s in your building, so the fans are loving every bit of you as you begin the long, satisfying hero walk to your own bench.

Stop it right there:

Who do you want to see first? Who do you pick as your designated greeter? You’re doing the cool thing, pretending it’s no big deal, there’s more game to play, nothing matters till it’s over. You’re looking up at the scoreboard to check score and time, even though you’ve memorized it already. You know the cameras are trained on you, but you’re pretending it doesn’t matter.

You, like Kobe, are a poor actor, but that’s beside the point.

This is where the greeter comes in. The greeter is the one who hops off that bench to turn your private joy into a public spectacle. He’s the guy who acts on the outside the way you feel on the inside. You know how hard it is for a professional athlete to subjugate his own cool to make you feel good?

It takes a special man, that’s for sure. Jack Haley was the master, the originator and still champion. Everyone who follows can hope for nothing more than a favorable comparison. When the Greeter’s Wing of the Hall of Fame is opened, it will be named after Haley. Case closed. The only flaw in his game was that he played favorites. In other words, he didn’t treat big shots by Bill Wennington with the same verve as he treated big shots by, say, Michael Jordan.

A minor quibble, though, because first and foremost the greeter has to be smart about picking his friends.

M.L. Carr was awfully good, but he wasn’t quite as focused as Haley. Carr would wave that towel and work the room and sometimes he’d forget to be the first one off the bench when the timeout was called. He’d get there, and he’d get there in a big way, but he didn’t always get there first.

Saturday, an epic matchup of upstarts will begin in Sacramento. It figures to be huge, potentially a seven-game showdown for the top spot among active Greeters. You’ve wanted it, you’ve got it: Mark Madsen vs. Mateen Cleaves.

	Mark Madsen: The NBA's greatest greeter?

Madsen comes in as the favorite. He has the best first step in the business, able to anticipate the crucial timeout and get to the hero first from the far end of the bench. He’s a five-tool Greeter: Attentive, quick, loud, happy and without a trace of self-consciousness.

Cleaves is good, too, with a huge upside, but he could be hurt by his gregariousness. He spends a lot of time laughing and goofing with his teammates and the fans, which often costs him precious seconds.

This is a vastly underappreciated aspect of today’s game. After all, you know you’re cool, and you know you’re amazing. Still, it’s always good to have someone around who's not afraid to tell everybody for you.

This Week’s List

I considered placing a bid, but then I decided to save up for Richie Zisk’s gall bladder: Jeff Nelson, selling his bone spurs on eBay.

It’s Trotters-Generals, only without the laughs: It’s Yanks-Devil Rays, just about every night.

Word is Manute’s been lifting, so you never know: Manute Bol will be fighting Refrigerator Perry in the next installment of Celebrity Boxing.

Rationalizing his season so far, Livan says it is only the mediocre man who is always at his best: The Giants’ Livan Hernandez, from 4-0 to 4-4 by mid-May.

The winner gets Manute: Tyson-Lewis

Just for the heck of it: Manny Sarmiento.

When he first heard the news, Pete said, “Oh yeah, that’s right -- the No. 4 horse in the third”: In an attempt to make a comeback, the Pony shoe company has signed Pete Rose as an endorser.

Speaking of shoes: Remember when Asics used to be called Tiger?

Even considering the source, it raises questions: In court documents, Tawny Kitaen says Chuck Finley uses steroids, which makes you wonder, “Okay, then who doesn’t?”

You can change it back the next time someone from a non-playoff team gets higher than a 10th-place vote for MVP: Is there any rational reason why the NBA couldn’t wait till after the Finals before voting on the MVP award?

One guy sets a screen, the other guy uses it, the screener rolls … hey, we’ll revolutionize this game by June: The lasting image of the Kings-Mavs series is Shawn Bradley and Raef LaFrentz looking confused every time the Kings ran a pick and roll, making it look like Mike Bibby and Chris Webber thought up this crazy new play before the series.

In a crazy bit of casting, the part will be played by Harvey Keitel: Bradley’s role as Mavs’ situational cheap-shot artist is the oddest individual transformation in recent sports history.

And finally, rumor has it they’re traveling between Sacramento and Los Angeles by horseback, live on NBC: Game 2 between the Kings and Lakers is Monday in Sacramento; Game 3 is Friday in Los Angeles, and so much for momentum.

Tim Keown is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine. E-mail him at tim.keown@espnmag.com.