So erstwhile Bash Brother Jose Canseco has threatened to write a tell-all tome about steroid use in baseball. Save your money. Here are some sure signs a slugger is on the juice.

	The next great American author?

1. He hits the ball into McCovey Cove -- from Busch Stadium.

2. He promises Selig he'll take care of contraction, then proceeds to kill every Expo with his bare hands.

3. He lobbies his team's owners to relocate to "the former East Germany."

4. His relay throw from right goes through the cut-off man. Literally.

5. The self-help book he just wrote? Don't Sweat the Small Stuff: It's a Common Side-Effect.

6. He's been buying some of Steve Howe's urine on eBay.

7. Last week, before a game, he injected 2,000 cc's of nandrolone cicioheiproprianate and homered, and because he's superstitious, he's been injecting 2,000 cc's of nandrolone cicioheiproprianate before every game since.

8. Just hit his 74th dinger -- and it's only the top of the sixth.

This article appears in the June 10 issue of ESPN The Magazine.