Today's spit take: Buddy Ebsen has written a novel.

Yes. The patriarch of the Clampett clan, the one and only Barnaby Jones, 92-year-old Christian Rudolph Ebsen has written a love story about a quick-tempered woman (Miss Hathaway?) who flees Hollywood for the arms of several men (scratch Miss Hathaway), including her minister, a young filmmaker and a bad guy named Jack Slade.

Personally, I'd rather read about the guy who was supposed to be the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz, but had to drop out because of makeup poisoning nine days into the filming: a dancer by the name of Buddy Ebsen. Still, you have to hand it to him, especially if you didn't even realize he was alive. (Or you could be hard and say, "Heck, he hasn't done anything since Matt Houston anyway.") The book may not be any good -- you can check out an excerpt on, yes, buddyebsen.com -- but ask yourself this: Could John Updike hold up a sitcom for 10 years?

Why, at the dawn of a new millennium, when the possibilities stretch out before us, do we get the Beatles at No. 1, Mario Lemieux averaging three points a night, George Bush in the White House, Dick Vermeil on the Most Wanted List, new movies based on the writings of Edith Wharton and the Marquis de Sade, Harold Baines signing with the White Sox, Louis Armstrong blowing his own horn on PBS, Stockton dishing off to Malone, and Buddy Ebsen hoping for the New York Times Best-Seller List? Just when you thought they were through, cold, kaput, finis, over, dust, they turn up on a dust jacket. So for your edification and amusement, let's play catch-up in the world of sport.

Jay Berwanger. (Alive.)

Jay Fiedler. (Passed away.)

Juan Gonzalez. (Presumed dead, but put him down for 50, 150 and .325 next season.)

A-Rod. (D.O.A. -- unless he can pitch every other day.)

Bill Parcells. (You Jets fans may want him dead, but he's alive and really, really sorry about the mess he left you in. Just to make it up to you, he likes the 6 horse in the eighth at Gulfstream.)

Rick Pitino. (Alive, camped outside of Assembly Hall in Bloomington, Ind.)

Michael Jordan. (Despite sightings at a casino in the Bahamas, a golf course in Florida and a vomitory in the MCI Center, he's missing and presumed disinterested.)

Wayne Gretzky. (Dying -- inside -- that Mario can own both a team and the league.)

Andre Rison, Tyrone Wheatley, Rich Gannon. (Resurrected.)

Ken Burns. (The chronicler of The Civil War, Baseball and Jazz is now hard at work on another subject with a historical tapestry. Look for his 10-part series on The Vikings. Episode 8: Wide Right.)

Juan Antonio Samaranch. (What's it worth to you?)

Marion Jones. (Who?)

Montreal Expos. (Mort.)

Kobe Bryant. (Alive.)

Shaquille O'Neal. (Alive.)

Kobe and Shaquille. (Dead.)

Boxing. (... 7 ...8 ... 9 ...)

New York Giants. (Alive.)

New York Giants offense. (Dead.)

Dennis Miller. (Zoetic.)

Dan Fouts. (Dead as a Dierdorf.)

Allen Iverson. (Working on some new songs with his lyricist, Buddy Ebsen.)

Steve Wulf is executive editor of ESPN The Magazine. If you don't know what "zoetic" means, E-mail steve.wulf@espnmag.com.