Just when my dream of pitching in the majors was about to flicker out, only a few days after I finally stopped practicing my autograph on a baseball, the most amazing thing happened. I think you know what I'm talking about. That's right. The New York Yankees invited Sid Fernandez to camp.

El Sid is, how to put it, advanced in years. He's, delicately phrased, well-tested. He's, euphemistically speaking, rounded. But the Yankees, world champions four of the last five years, seem not at all bothered by how old, rusty and fat he is. To the contrary, the Bomber brain trust obviously views what others might see as handicaps as the very reasons to sign Fernandez.

With age comes wisdom. With disuse comes freshness. With girth comes, well, a better chance to deflect any comebacker headed toward Chuck Knoblauch. No doubt Brian Cashman had this formula in mind: Karl Malone times Mario Lemieux over David Wells equals Sid Fernandez.

And that is why I am now announcing to any pitching-starved major league teams (about 28) that I am coming back. El Lobo is, after all, older, rustier and fatter than El Sid.

Fernandez opened a few eyes in Tampa the other day when he unleashed an 85-mph fastball and broke off his trademark roundhouse. "I was shocked and surprised," said pitching coach Mel Stottlemyre, his old mentor with the Mets. "He looks great."

Wait'll they get a load of me. See, I have the added advantage of mystery. There is no scouting report on me. At the risk of giving too much away, I've got 10 pitches -- two-seamer, four-seamer, cut fastball, split-finger, scroogie, curve, slider, circle change, knuckleball and a little concoction I call the Ray Milland -- which I can throw from three different arm angles. Yes, you're right, catchers don't have enough fingers to give me the signs, but I've worked out a three-flash system that I hope they'll understand.

How has Sid been spending his last four years? Well, he's been coaching Little League. What a coincidence! So have I! In fact, for the last eight seasons, I threw over 100 BP pitches every few days. Granted, my intent is usually to build the batters' confidence, but just ask Harley, Sergio, Laura, John, Dylan et al: My control is excellent. And every once in a while, I'll bust the little runts in on the fists just to let 'em know who's boss.

Sid also devoted part of his down time to trying to lure Japanese teams to a spring training complex in his native Hawaii. He found, though, that "political life really stinks." This is uncanny: I, too, am disillusioned by the political process.

What's more, my disillusionment has something to do with baseball. I trace my cynicism back to my days at the White House ... actually, it was one day ... actually, one afternoon. It was back in September of '94, and because I was a consultant on Ken Burns' Baseball, I was invited to a reception for the PBS senes on the South Lawn. There was a speed-pitch booth there, and I actually got it up to 88 mph. The radar gun may not have been totally reliable: my third-grade son got it up to 80. But I clearly had the best arm of anyone on the lawn that day -- I know because I was so intent on watching for possible challengers that I didn't actually get a chance to lobby the President on a pardon for Denny McLain, who come to think of it might be a better comeback candidate than either me or Sid.

Why, you ask, am I disillusioned with Bill Clinton? Because I was never invited back to 1600 to defend my title. I mean, it's not like Bo and I didn't clean up for the reception. And sakes alive, Bill pretty much let anybody have a sleepover there. 'Course, for all I know, I may stlll hold the White House record.

So if there are any interested GMs out there, call me at any hour. Give me a day or two, though, because I'm trying to get hold of Scott Boras first.

The other day, Sid told the press, "I didn't want to be sitting around two or 20 years from now and regret not trying a comeback."

Hey, is that me, or what?

Steve Wulf is executive editor of ESPN The Magazine. E-mail him at steve.wulf@espnmag.com, but we reserve the right to refer all queries to his agent.