I have to hand it to Steve "One-A-Day" Phillips. He's got people talking about the Mets.

Hell, he's got me talking to myself about the Mets.

"Gotta love the Robbie Alomar trade."

"Yeah -- Matt Lawton, we hardly knew ye. But I hate the other deals."

"What's not to like?"

"I'll buy Ventura for Justice. But then he turns around and trades Justice for Mark Guthrie. Like we need another aging left-handed setup man. Are you telling me the Yankees would trade Ventura for Guthrie even up?

"You're missing the big picture here. Trading David was all about freeing up money so they could go out and sign a big bat."

"I'll believe it when I don't see Zeile batting fifth behind Piazza."

"You don't like the Roger Cedeno signing?"

"I just wish we hadn't traded him and Dotel in the first place for Hampton. That one worked out real well."

"How about getting Shawn Estes for Shinjo and Desi? If Shawn returns to form, that's the steal of the offseason."

"And if he doesn't, Steverino traded his one decent outfielder and a useful utility guy for another head case with a left arm."

"What if he turns around and trades one of the lefties for an outfielder?"

"Yeah, I hear he wants to get Bubba Trammell or Jeromy Burnitz back. Trammell, Burnitz, Cedeno ... Why doesn't he just bring back Tommie Agee?"

"He's dead."

"I know that. I also know that in his current state, Agee's a better outfielder than Jay Payton."

"No need to get nasty. Jay's gonna have a big comeback year."

"For the Seibu Lions, maybe."

"So you don't buy what Al Leiter's saying, that the Mets are now the team to beat in the NL East? That they have the best 1-4 hitters in the league?"

"And the worst 5-8. Zeile, Payton, Agbayani, Ordonez. Opposing pitchers will shudder -- with laughter."

"What do you think about picking up Mo Vaughn?"

"The only team that can pick up Mo Vaughn is the Bulgarian Olympic weightlifting team."

"Alright, so you're the general manager. What do you do?"

"First thing I do is trade catcher Mike Piazza for first baseman Mike Piazza. Then I go out and get a good defensive catcher like Mike Matheny or Dan Wilson ..."

"You don't think Piazza deserves to make that call himself?"

"You're interrupting me, but I'll answer your question. Piazza shouldn't catch if he's just staying behind the plate to set the home run record for catchers. It's all about winning, and there were only two regular catchers last year who were worse than him in throwing out runners. Let me finish: Then I'd trade one of the lefties, Benitez, Zeile and Zeile's salary to the Expos for Vlad Guerrero. If you can find anybody in the Expos offices."

"Armando? Who's gonna close?"

"Whoever it is won't give me heart attacks on consecutive weekends in September."

"You're a moron."

"I know. But so are you."

Steve Wulf is executive editor of ESPN The Magazine.