To the victors, go the spoils. To the spoilers, go what? Depends on the party they pooped.

To Corey Patterson, Eric Young, Geoff Jenkins and Desi Relaford -- who foiled the no-hit bids of, respectively, Odalis Perez, Shawn Estes, Pedro Astacio and Ted Lilly -- we offer admiration, for playing the game the way it should be, and preventing a surplus of gems on the market. (Thus making Derek Lowe’s no-hitter that much more valuable.) To the Vancouver Canucks and Toronto Raptors, our good-natured hexes for trying to eclipse the covers of The Mag’s last issue (Red Wings) and current one (Jerry Stackhouse). To Billie Jean King and Jennifer Capriati, whose spat over practice protocol lost the U.S. the Federation Cup to Austria, one small question: Happy now?

Some spoilers deserve one another -- say, the Yankees television network (YES) and Cablevision (NO), whose disagreement over subscriber fees is costing each other millions while keeping millions of Yankee fans in the dark. (Not necessarily a bad thing.)

Commissioners always pour water on the fun -- it’s part of the job description -- so we won’t waste much breath on Paul for making them tuck in their shirts, or David for giving … pause … to … the … first postseason round, or even Bud for his lead in Honey, I Shrunk the Leagues.

But Gary, you’d better do something -- quick -- about the cheap-shotters who are giving the NHL a black eye just when it’s readying for a close-up. Know what we’d like to give Kyle McLaren for his flying elbow and the Leafs for gooning it up with the Islanders? A clothesline right out of the playoffs.

This article appears in the May 13 issue of ESPN The Magazine.