Funny how Bud Selig never mentions his Brewers as a contraction candidate. They're such an obvious choice.

How bad have the Brewers been? "Happy Days" was on the air more recently than the Brewers were in the playoffs. Yes, you could see the the Fonz in October primetime more recently than Bernie Brewer.

Oh, and Milwaukee's roof doesn't work. Well, it works but it leaks, is rusting and also makes this loud, very unpleasant sound when the Brewers open and close it. Sort of like when Bud explains how contraction would work.

But wait, it gets worse. The Brewers enter Wednesday's game with the worst record in baseball, playing so badly they fired their manager barely two weeks into the season. No team has gone longer without a winning record (that's 1992 in case you've forgotten). The Brewers play in baseball's smallest U.S. market, one that is within easy driving distance of two teams in Chicago.

So why are the Brewers not considered a candidate for elimination and the Twins are? Two simple reasons. One, Buds owns them (wait, I'm sorry, he doesn't "own" them because he placed the Brewers in -- wink, wink -- "trust'") and two, they play in a new taxpayer-funded stadium. And in Bud's new world order, victories aren't nearly as important as whether your luxury suites have gray Tennessee or white Italian marble.

Of course, that argument isn't quite so persuasive when you consider that Milwaukee's attendance is down 28 percent from last year (from over 34,000 per game to 22,280 per game) and the Twins are drawing nearly as well as the Brewers, even though Bud's elimination scheme prevented Minnesota from selling tickets until shortly before the national anthem played on Opening Day and even though the Twins have yet to host a marquee team.

Oh, and Milwaukee's roof doesn't work.

Well, it works but it leaks, is rusting and also makes this loud, very unpleasant sound when the Brewers open and close it. Sort of like when Bud explains how contraction would work.

The Brewers, the manufacturer and the stadium district say the roof is completely safe but the sound is so loud that the Brewers don't open or shut the roof when fans are in the park out of concern they would become alarmed by the noise. That means the team must make the decision whether to have the roof open or closed hours before the game starts. They base their decision on forecasts several hours out, and as anyone who has ever lived in the Midwest can tell you, summer weather is about as predictable as Carl Everett's mood ring.

Last Saturday, the Brewers closed the roof under sunny skies during batting practice because, they said, it would be too cold in the stadium otherwise. The team announced the temperature was 66 degrees at game time. And remember, this is in a state where 50,000-plus fans think nothing of sitting in Lambeau Field in mid-December.

Engineering firms are inspecting the roof to see what the problem is and how best to fix it as quickly as possible. They need to, because the Brewers are hosting the All-Star Game and it would be a major source of embarrassment to the commissioner if he couldn't open the roof. Or a worse embarrassment if he did and fans around the world heard this awful racket coming from the pivot that operates the whole thing.

Twins owner Carl Pohlad may moan about the Metrodome, but I'll say this for the old stadium -- at least that roof works.

(Milwaukee's grass isn't growing real well, either, but that's another story ... )

I've often heard Bud describe the pain he and Milwaukee felt when the Braves left town and listened to him go on at length about how important a team is to the fabric of the community. It all rings a little hollow. After all, he's the man who thought nothing of ripping the Seattle Pilots away from Seattle. And he's the man determined to rip it out of another couple cities.

Look, I don't want to see Milwaukee lose its team. The city has too much baseball history and tradition -- from Hank Aaron and Eddie Mathews to Robin Yount and Paul Molitor -- to deserve losing the Brewers. And besides, I don't want any community to lose its team.

I only wish the commissioner felt the same way. And maybe if it were his team he had to worry about, this elimination plan wouldn't appeal to him so much.

Box score line of the week
It was another wild week last week. Mike Cameron tied a major-league record by homering four times in one game and he and Bret Boone became the first teammates ever to each homer twice in the same inning. And after San Francisco starter Jason Schmidt walked the first two batters on 18 pitches, reliever Ryan Jensen took over and took a no-hitter into the seventh inning.

All impressive efforts but this week's award goes to Atlanta rookie and Australia native Damian Moss, who had a no-hitter through seven innings Friday night before manager Bobby Cox lifted him for a pinch-hitter. It was a tough decision but an understandable one. Because Moss had been so wild -- seven walks -- he had thrown 116 pitches, which was pretty much his limit and Atlanta is one team that doesn't risk a young pitcher's arm.

Moss's line:

7 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 0 ER, 7 BB, 6 K, 1 WP, 116 pitches

"I wanted to see him throw a no-hitter worse than you guys," Cox told reporters. "But he had so many pitches he wasn't going to make nine anyway, and he was, tired, he was done.

"I think he'd rather have a good arm next year than a no-hitter."

Lies, damn lies and statistics
Cameron was just the second major leaguer in the past century to step to the plate with a chance to hit a fifth home run in a game. The other was Chuck Klein. ... And what are the odds of this? The Reds traded Cameron and Brett Tomko for Ken Griffey Jr. The same night Cameron hit four home runs, Tomko allowed four home runs. By the way, since the trade, Cameron has 53 home runs, 204 RBI, 222 runs, one All-Star selection, four postseason series, one Gold Glove and one four-homer game. Griffey has 63 home runs, 186 RBI, 160 runs, one All-Star selection, no Gold Gloves and no postseason series. ... The one improvement the Mariners were looking for from Ichiro this season was a few more walks. And his walk total is up this year -- thanks to opponents who would rather pitch to Seattle's No. 2 hitter. Ichiro has more intentional walks (seven, an unheard of number for a leadoff hitter) than unintentional (six). No wonder manager Lou Piniella is worried about getting production out of the second slot. ... The Diamondbacks called up reliever Jose Parra last week, adding one more team to a resume that includes the Mexico City Reds, the Oaxaca Warriors, the Yomiuri Giants, the Samsung team in Korea and Nashville in just the past four years. As he said in spring training, he's like a reporter in Afghanistan. "I have to go where the job is." ... Seattle's Arthur Rhodes lost his first game since Sept. 23, 2000 last week. In between Rhodes' losses, Albie Lopez lost 22 games. ... The Devil Rays did not have an assist in last Thursday's loss to the Twins, just the sixth time in big-league history a team has not had an assist in a game. The last previous time was by Baltimore in 2000. ... Al Leiter has now defeated all 30 major-league teams, the only pitcher who can make that claim. ... One more attendance woe -- after selling out for two solid years, the Giants failed to sellout five consecutive games last week, including two weekend games.

From left field
An interesting question brought up by Cameron's four-homer game is why players don't do it more often. Four-homer games happen, on average, about once every seven years, which hasn't changed despite the huge increase in home runs. Three-homer games, which still were remarkable a decade ago, have gone up drastically in the past few years, with no corresponding increase in four-homer games.

The number of three-homer and four-homer games by decade:

Decade	3-homer	4-homer	The skinny
1920s	13	0	The lively ball era begins; Lou Gehrig and George Kelly hit 3 twice
1930s	37	2	Gehrig first since 1890s to hit four; Ruth does it in both leagues
1940s	19	1	WWII takes best sluggers; Mize and Kiner hit 3 three times each
1950s	50	3	Hodges, Adcock and Colavito hit 4
1960s	44	1	Mays hits his 4 in 1961; also hit 3 that year
1970s	52	1	Schmidt needed extra innings for decade's lone 4-HR game
1980s	47	1	TBS didn't air Horner's 4-homer game
1990s	87	1	6 3-homer games in '90; 16 in '99
2000s	32	1	22 players had 3-HR games in 2001

(Source: from stats provided by David Vincent, the home run guru)

Win Blake Stein's Money
This week's category is: The Maris Kids Didn't Hug Him, Either.

Question: Who hit his only career home run the same game Bob Horner hit four?

Off Base Power Rankings

1. Spider-Man Sure he can climb walls, spin webs and lift amazing weights -- but can he hit four homers in a game?

2. Red Sox Boston fans getting giddy -- they're only cursing Bucky Dent twice a day

3. Mariners Cameron heard from everyone after 4-HR game - including many from his hometown, Smallville

4. Mets LetsGos in first place. Bad: Plans in works for 24-hour Bobby V channel

5. Dodgers Ishii-mania. Not Fernando-mania, just an incredible simulation.

6. Eric Lindbergh Lindy's grandson retraces historic flight in 17 hours -- seven to fly, 10 to get through security

7. Yankees If losing stretch doesn't end soon, fans will complain when they can get YES network

8. NBA playoffs Moving so slow, you expect them to hand out the Irving R. Thalberg award at halftime

9. Brewers Good: ABC schedules big Milwaukee reunion. Bad: It's Laverne and Shirley, not Harvey's Wallbangers

10. Wall Street Dropping more steadily than balls from Chuck Knoblauch's glove

Answer: Minnesota third-base coach Al Newman, then with the Expos, hit his first big-league homer July 6, 1986 and it went completely unnoticed. Not only did Horner hit four home runs that day, the game was one of the few Atlanta games during the Turner era not televised -- TBS was showing the Goodwill Games instead. Newmie batted more than 1,000 more times and never homered again.

Infield chatter
"We brought him up for a cup of coffee. He's been a full cup of coffee. And he may become a Starbucks franchise."

-- Cincinnati general Jim Bowden on 21-year-old Austin Kearns, called up when Ken Griffey Jr. went on the disabled list

Jim Caple is a senior writer for ESPN.com. He can be reached at cuffscaple@hotmail.com