I have a plea for Commissioner Selig, my newest and bestest phone buddy ...

Save the Twins, but kill the Royals.

Let's be honest here, folks. Milwaukee may be the worst market in the major leagues (Montreal notwithstanding), but the Brewers have a new ballpark so they're not going anywhere. And if you're looking for a franchise that's facing all sorts of problems, just look at Kansas City. The Royals have virtually no chance of generating significant revenues via their ballpark or their local broadcast rights, either now or in the future.

It's a matter of public record that I'm not a fan of "contraction" (which is a pretty word for "extermination"). The Twins just need to get healthy, and the Expos probably need to be moved. But if the owners are dead-set on killing a couple of franchises, take my Royals. Please.

Because if I'm forced to watch Allard Baird run the franchise for another year or three, I'm going to have a lot of tension inside me, and writing columns like this one isn't nearly as therapeutic as it used to be. I just might have to start watching football games again, or shoot small animals on weekends.

What am I talking about?

Just this week, in the space of 48 hours, the (supposedly) cash-strapped (but profitable) Royals committed more than $4 million to a pair of players, Chuck Knoblauch and Michael Tucker, who don't have any business playing for a team that's only hope is its young players.

In acquiring Knoblauch, Baird referred to the ex-Yankee as an "experienced leadoff hitter." True enough. But would you like to guess how many players scored more runs in 2001 than "experienced leadoff hitter" Chuck Knoblauch?

65

That's right. Leading off for a team that won 95 games, Chuck Knoblauch scored 66 runs, which coincidentally made him No. 66 in runs scored ... and that's just in the American League. The list of American Leaguers who scored more runs in fewer games than Knoblauch includes superstars like Cristian Guzman, Roger Cedeno, Kenny Lofton, Frank Catalanotto, Gabe Kapler, Damion Easley, Chris Richard, Jose Valentin and Tony Clark.

Chuck Knoblauch isn't a bad player. He can still run, and he'll take a walk (which certainly sets him apart from his new teammates). But he's not good enough to play every day in left field, especially given how poorly he actually plays in left field. A good team and a smart manager would figure out a way to use Chuck Knoblauch; in the lineup against left-handed pitchers, the occasional start against particular right-handers, pinch-hitting when a baserunner is needed.

Knoblauch's batting average will go up in 2002, but his OBP won't change much because Tony Muser doesn't like hitters who won't swing the bat. It's unmanly. The Royals are a bad team with a bad manager who thinks that stolen bases are more important than home runs and walks, so signing Chuck Knoblauch to a contract is roughly equivalent to dropping $2 million (plus incentives) into a wood chipper.

And then there's Michael Tucker, who is, if for no other reason, qualified to play for the Royals because he has played for them before. Tucker is due to make $2.25 million in 2002, which means that he and Knoblauch will account for $4.25 million, and that's assuming that Knoblauch doesn't reach any of his incentives. And then, at some point next season, the Royals will trade Mike Sweeney and/or Carlos Beltran, because they can't "afford" to pay them.

The other day, Allard Baird said, "In this market, we have a lot of young players who are on the verge of turning the corner. That's a very delicate developmental time ... Getting someone like this is very important. Getting a winner, a guy who's been there."

There are a couple of problems with that argument.

Baird and his predecessor have been saying that for years, using this "logic" to justify the acquisition of players like Jeff King, Hal Morris, Terry Pendleton, Chad Kreuter, and most recently, Roberto Hernandez. And yes, Mike Sweeney and Johnny Damon and Jermaine Dye and Carlos Beltran all matured into fine players with the Royals.

But they became fine players because they got to play. Unfortunately, both Knoblauch and Tucker play the same positions that the Royals' best young players play.

Dee Brown and Mark Quinn have both been huge disappointments, but both showed great talent in the minor leagues, and it's not too late for them to become solid major leaguers. Now, however, they're not going to get much of a chance to become anything, at least not in Kansas City. Because if Chuck Knoblauch is in the lineup every day (as planned) and Michael Tucker is in the lineup some days, then Brown and Quinn won't be. And that's not how you build a franchise.

So again, Commissioner Bud, if you're reading this, please, if you're in the holiday spirit at all, put me out of my misery. Kill my favorite team.

Rob can be reached at rob.neyer@dig.com, and to order his books, including the just-published Feeding the Green Monster, click here.