Bullpen mess worthy of bigger stage
Calls to the bullpen apparently just aren't that easy to make anymore
Tony La Russa appears on stage with Bud Abbott in the classic "Who's In Relief?'' routine
LA RUSSA: Who is the reliever you warmed up when I called the bullpen in the eighth inning and told you to get a right-hander ready?
LA RUSSA: I mean, the reliever's name.
LA RUSSA: The right-hander.
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LA RUSSA: The reliever I told you to warm up.
LA RUSSA: The right-handed reliever you then told to warm up.
ABBOTT: Who is the reliever I warmed up.
LA RUSSA: That's what I want to know!
ABBOTT: And I'm telling you. Who is the reliever.
LA RUSSA: Look, all I'm trying to find out is what is the name of the right-hander I told you to warm up.
ABBOTT: No, What is the name of the left-hander.
LA RUSSA: Yeah, yeah, we all know Rzepczynski's name is hard to pronounce. But I just want to know what is the name of the right-hander you thought I told you to warm up.
ABBOTT: And I'm telling you -- What is the name of the left-hander. Who is the right-hander.
LA RUSSA: (Barely restraining his anger.) OK. Octavio Dotel is in trouble and Mike Napoli is coming to bat for the Rangers with the bases loaded. Napoli bats right-handed so I want a right-hander to face him. I call you in the bullpen and I tell you to get the right-hander ready. And you warm up who?
ABBOTT: Now, that's the first thing you've said right.
LA RUSSA: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!
ABBOTT: Now, don't get excited. Take it easy.
LA RUSSA: (About to explode.) Let me go over it again. Dotel is in trouble so I call the bullpen and tell you to get who ready. And so what is the name of the reliever you send in?
ABBOTT: Yes, that's all accurate.
LA RUSSA: I don't understand why you won't tell me his name, but no matter. He comes in and then Napoli hits a two-run double. He then strikes out Moreland to bring up Kinsler. I again ask you to get me a right-hander and so what is the name of the guy you sent in?
ABBOTT: No, What was already out of the game. And Who couldn't get his arm loose so I sent in Lance Lynn. I just don't know why you never told me to get Motte up.
Tony La Russa appears in a credit card commercial
[A BEARDED MAN WITH A THICK EASTERN EUROPEAN accent answers the phone in a snow-swept credit card call center shack.]
BEARDED EUROPEAN:Thank you for calling USA Prime Credit. My name is Peggy.
[LA RUSSA speaks into the dugout phone amid a very loud Rangers Ballpark.]
LA RUSSA: I want Rzepczynski then Motte.
BEARDED EUROPEAN: Yes, Mr. Rzepczynski. How can Peggy help you?
LA RUSSA: I said, Rzepczynski then Motte. The lefty and the right-hander.
BEARDED EUROPEAN: Peggy confused. Say again please, Mr. Rzepczynski.
LA RUSSA: RZEPCYNZKI THEN MOTTE!!!!
BEARDED EUROPEAN: You make Peggy sad. What address, Mr. Rzepcynzki?
LA RUSSA: DAMMIT!! I SAID RZEPCYNZKI THEN MOTTE!!!! THE LEFTY THEN THE RIGHTY!!!
[The BEARDED EUROPEAN turns to an assistant.]
BEARDED EUROPEAN: For crying out loud, Tony is making another pitching change. Tell Lance Lynn to get warm.
La Russa appears in an Off-Broadway production of "Waiting for Motte''
[LA RUSSA and his catcher, ESTRAGON, are waiting on the mound.]
ESTRAGON: What do we do now?
LA RUSSA: I don't know.
ESTRAGON: Let's go.
LA RUSSA: We can't.
ESTRAGON: Why not?
LA RUSSA: Because we're waiting for Motte.
[Long pause as they continue to wait on the mound. Finally, LANCE LYNN appears.]
LA RUSSA: What the hell are you doing here?
LYNN: I was told to come.
ESTRAGON: That is not Motte.
LA RUSSA: No, it is not. And this one cannot pitch tonight.
ESTRAGON: So what do we do? Continue to wait for Motte?
LA RUSSA: No, forget it. I'm tired of waiting. Just intentionally walk Kinsler. I'll look like an idiot, but what are you going to do?
La Russa appears in a commercial for a cellular phone service
[First Image: DOTEL gives up a hit and LA RUSSA is standing in the dugout yelling into the phone.]
LA RUSSA: Can you hear me now? Get Motte ready!
[Second Image: MIKE NAPOLI is walking to the plate and LA RUSSA is standing in the dugout yelling into the phone.]
LA RUSSA: Can you hear me now?!?
[Third Image: NAPOLI doubles. LA RUSSA is still standing in the dugout yelling into the phone.]
LA RUSSA: CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?!?!?!
[Fourth Image: A thoroughly exasperated LA RUSSA is standing on the mound next to LANCE LYNN.]
LA RUSSA: I need to get a phone with 4G. And probably unlimited texts.
Jim Caple is a senior writer for ESPN.com.
Follow Jim Caple on Twitter: @jimcaple
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