'Seinfeld: The Promotion Night'

The minor league Brooklyn Cyclones announced they are holding a Seinfeld Night promotion this July to honor the 25th anniversary of the hugely popular TV show's debut. Among the highlights are Keith Hernandez Magic Loogie bobbleheads, Cyclones players taking batting practice in puffy shirts and an Elaine dancing contest.


[SCENE 1: Monk's Diner. JERRY, GEORGE and KRAMER are eating lunch when they notice a woman who looks a lot like ELAINE enter the restaurant. JERRY gets up to greet her with a hug.]

JERRY: Elaine! Where have you been? I haven't seen you for years!

[Several dark-suited Secret Service agents rush over and grab JERRY, pinning him to the floor. Other agents surround the woman who looks like ELAINE and rush her out the door and into a limousine that speeds away.]

JERRY: Let me go! What's going on? That's my friend, Elaine!

SECRET SERVICE AGENT: Elaine? That's the vice president of the United States, you moron! It's the veep, Selina Meyer!

[The agents handcuff and drag JERRY out the door.]

JERRY: George! Kramer! Help me!

GEORGE: Sorry, Jerry, but I gotta get to the ballpark. We're holding a big promotion tonight against the Staten Island Yankees.

KRAMER: Yeah, Newman and I have to get in line for the Keith Hernandez "Magic Loogie" bobbleheads. There's gonna be a huge crowd. Jeter is playing a rehab assignment game there with Staten Island.

GEORGE: Maybe crutches would improve his range.

[SCENE 2: The Brooklyn Cyclones' stadium. It's "Seinfeld Night" for the Cyclones. DEREK JETER, rehabbing from yet another late-career injury, is talking to some Cyclones players at the batting cage.]

JETER: So how come you guys are wearing puffy shirts? I thought you were the Mets farm club. You look like Pirates.

CYCLONES PLAYER 1: It's part of some promotion saluting an old TV show that has been off the air for like 15 years. Steinberg or Feldman or something.

JETER: Wait a second. Who is that chubby, balding guy standing in your dugout? He looks familiar.

CYCLONES PLAYER 2: That guy? That's our assistant traveling secretary, George Costanza.

JETER: Oh, man. He used to be our assistant traveling secretary. Worst we ever had. One time he booked us into a Ramada in Milwaukee.

CYCLONES PLAYER 1: Ramada? We would love to stay at a Ramada. The guy usually has us sleeping on the team bus. If we even have a team bus. He had us hitchhike to our game in Scranton.

CYCLONES PLAYER 2: I got picked up by some freak who worked for a paper company. Made me sit in the backseat behind him, then spent the whole ride trying to sell me office paper and going on and on about "Battlestar Galactica." Worst ride I've ever had.

CYCLONES PLAYER 3: That was still way better than our trip to play the Albuquerque Isotopes. Four of our players got picked up in an old RV driven by a bald guy in a flat-brimmed black hat. Called himself Heisenberg or something. We haven't seen the players since.

[GEORGE wanders over to the batting cage and tries to give JETER a bro-hug. JETER pulls back and gives GEORGE a lukewarm nod.]

GEORGE: So, Jeets. Did you get my message about how to position your feet better? It's simple physics. It's the angle of your feet toward the batter depending on the velocity and location of the pitch. This would really help your UZR -- which is quite bad, you know.

[SCENE 3: Outside the Cyclones' stadium, where KRAMER and NEWMAN are waiting in line for Keith Hernandez Magic Loogie bobbleheads. A disheveled JERRY joins them.]

NEWMAN: Hello, Jerry.

JERRY: Hello, Newman. And thanks for rushing to my defense, Kramer. It took me two hours to convince the Secret Service that I just confused the veep with Elaine. They were going to waterboard me until I got them tickets for my next show.

KRAMER: I told you, Jerry. We had to get our place in line. We couldn't miss out on these bobbleheads.

JERRY: Well, it is a better promotion than your manssiere giveaway suggestion.

[As they wait in line, the vice president pulls up in a limousine. As MEYER gets out, KEITH HERNANDEZ suddenly rushes from the ballpark to greet her.]

HERNANDEZ: Elaine! It's me! Keith Hernandez, the 1979 MVP! We used to date!

[The Secret Service swarms HERNANDEZ and pins him to the ground while several agents rush MEYER into the Cyclones' ballpark.]

HERNANDEZ: Wait, don't you know who I am? I'm Keith Hernandez! I was the 1979 MVP! I won 11 Gold Gloves!

SECRET SERVICE AGENT: We know who you are, buddy. And we don't want you spitting on the veep.

JERRY: Better be on the lookout for a second spitter.

[SCENE 4: The Cyclones' mound. MEYER prepares to throw out the first pitch. The Cyclones play Pharrell's "Happy" and MEYER starts dancing embarrassingly awkwardly. Her chief of staff, AMY BROOKHEIMER, taps her on the shoulder.]

BROOKHEIMER: I told you never to dance in public. Your approval rating just went down two points.

[MEYER nods and steps in front of the mound. She takes an exaggerated windup and throws the pitch high and outside. JETER, waiting by the on-deck circle, is hit in the head by the pitch and falls to the ground.]

[HERNANDEZ listens to this on the radio in a holding room inside the stadium.]

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Oh, no. This is not looking good. Jeter is conscious but he looks dazed and confused. It could be a concussion. The team trainer is calling for an ambulance. They're going to take Jeter to the hospital. I wonder if he'll be able to play again.

HERNANDEZ: This is what happens when you let women on the field.

[Back on the field, MEYER is oblivious to JETER's injury. She waves to the fans, who boo viciously and shower her with the Keith Hernandez bobbleheads.]

BROOKHEIMER: Well, there goes any shot you had to win the New York primary. But on the positive side, you may have improved your chances in Massachusetts.

[MEYER wipes blood from several cuts on her head.]

MEYER: Maybe I should have stayed at J. Peterman.