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Monday, March 12
Pools filled with perilous pitfalls
By Ray Ratto
Special to ESPN.com
The nest sporting news of the weekend was delivered, surprisingly
enough, by our pals at Home Box Office, who reminded us of that most
fundamental of truths, "If you're making the book, don't take a side."
Now we can tell by those blank expressions on your faces (and yes, we
can see you from inside your monitor, and you really
shouldn't browse the Internet in your drawers with the shades up) that you
have no idea what that sentence means. "Making the book?" "Take a side?"
Que?
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Planting a seed
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Which seeds advanced to the Final Four, over the past 10 years.
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Year
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Seeds in Final Four
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2000
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1, 5, 8, 8
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1999
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1, 1, 1, 4
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1998
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1, 2, 3, 3
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1997
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1, 1, 1, 4
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1996
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1, 1, 4, 5
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1995
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1, 2, 2, 4
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1994
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1, 2, 2, 3
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1993
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1, 1, 1, 2
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1992
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1, 2, 4, 6
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1991
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1, 1, 2, 3
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Well then, let us explain. On Sunday's episode of "The Sopranos,"
Chris (Michael Imperioli) has just been given the job as the family bookie,
hence, "making the book." But unlike your top-quality bookies, he has
fallen into the trap of forgetting the bookmaker's job by trying to guess
which teams will cover the spread, hence "taking a side."
And of course he ends up losing, and of course he ends up taking up a
life of armed robbery to correct the errors of the rest of his life of, well,
crime.
Now the first thing that struck us was, "Oregon laying five to USC?"
The second was, "Can we stop hearing all this whining about 'Why didn't
UConn get in the tournament,' and 'Boston College should have been a
two-seed.' "
And the third was, "What a great and good public service has been done
the degenerate gambling community by showing us a slice of the bookmaker's
art, as plied by someone who isn't very good at it?"
You see, with all the office pools that proliferate this time of year,
people forget the real professional gamblers ... the ones who have to use a
phone to get their action, the ones who would rather bet a game between two
teams with no players he has ever heard of rather than lay off.
You know, the guys who sound like they know what they're doing but are
one misplayed parlay from selling the kids' teeth back to the orthodontist to
settle the bill.
And since the real games don't start until Thursday morning (and no, the
play-in game doesn't really count), the gambling community has time on its
hands.
Thus, a few handy tips to keep your spouse from binding and gagging you,
stuffing you into the back of the Suburban and driving you to the Gamblers
Anonymous meeting at the Grange Hall:
Do not bet a game in which you have never heard of a player on either
team.
Do not bet an underdog you do not believe has a chance to win the game.
Do not bet a game in which your wager is more than the cost of the
satellite dish you will have to install to see the game you are betting on.
Do not bet on a 16-seed.
Do not bet a two-team, 16-seed parlay.
Do not bet more than you have lost at breakfast by leaving your wallet near
your teen-age son.
Do not bet UCLA because you like Steve Lavin's hair. In fact, do not like
Steve Lavin's hair for any reason.
Do not bet Indiana because you like what happened to Bob Knight.
Do not bet against Indiana because you don't like what happened to Bob
Knight.
Do not bet on coaches, period. They're still shooting
0-for-the-postseason.
Do not bet your favorite team, because you may forget to enjoy their win if
they don't win by enough.
Do not bet against your favorite team because the best you can do is break
even, and trying to break even is no way to live your life. I mean, hell, the
juice alone'll kill you.
And if you're taking bets rather than making them, watch one of the
eight reruns of "The Sopranos" this week, and do none of the things you see
our man Imperioli do.
And yes, that includes doing business with Paulie Walnuts, or anyone who
thinks "Walnuts" is a suitable surname for anyone not currently a squirrel.
He does not seem by nature to be a particularly forgiving man.
Ray Ratto of the San Francisco Chronicle is a regular contributor to ESPN.com Send this story to a friend | Most sent stories
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