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Longing for the playoffs? Don't bother

Updated: April 19, 2005, 9:53 PM ET
By Ray Ratto | Special to ESPN.com

The Stanley Cup playoffs begin this week – somewhere. On some alternate Earth, with red kryptonite, telekinesis and universal health care.

Here, the sound of rusting blades, disconnected propane tanks, Zambonis being converted for pony rides, and Gary Bettman and Bob Goodenow taking on babysitting jobs:

"Look, if you don't go to bed, I'll negotiate with your parents about an allowance cap tied to revenues."

"OK, OK. I wish my parents would let me stay at home by myself, ...

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