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A Gentler General
Charms Texas (SURE)

Page 2

The saga continues. Six months after his dismissal from Indiana, Bob Knight fired up his coach's whistle and put the red sweater back on again when he signed on with Texas Tech Red Raiders. The school had news conference Friday to announce Knight's hiring. Page 2 spy Robert Hanssen obtained a copy of Knight's speech, and although he strayed from it here's what Knight had planned to say.

Bobby Knight
Bob Knight and Texas Tech -- could it be a happy marriage?

"Ladies and gentlemen, players and students, faculty and fans, and reporters [HISS], I want to welcome you all and thank you for coming here today [EXCEPT FOR JOHN FEINSTEIN. HE BETTER NOT BE HERE. I SPECIFICALLY WARNED FEINSTEIN ABOUT THIS].

"I've learned a lot in the six months since I voluntarily chose to leave Indiana [LIKE HOW TO FILE A LAWSUIT FOR EMOTIONAL DISTRESS]. I know I have a checkered past, but I've searched deep into my soul the past half year and emerged a new man. And, I hope, a better man. This is a new century, and you see a new Bob Knight standing before you [THAT IS, IF YOU HAVE BETTER EYESIGHT THAN THE AVERAGE NCAA REF].

"And while I have the podium, I have a few things I need to say to a lot of people.

"To the returning Tech players [LOSERS]: I know you've heard the horror stories. I know you're wondering what you're in for next fall [THAT'S WHEN WE'LL SEE WHO HAS 'EM AND WHO DOESN'T]. But let me assure you that I have mellowed with age. I remain a stickler for obeying authority, but I plan to be a kinder, gentler coach, a coach who is a compassionate conservative when it comes to discipline [NO MORE WHIPS, AND I ALWAYS APOLOGIZE AFTER I GRAB YOUR THROAT].

"To the student body [SLACKERS]: You are Texas Tech. I work for you. I don't want to be just your coach, I want to be your mentor and your friend. If you have a complaint or even an idea for running a zone defense, let me know. My office door is always open (JUST REMEMBER, IT'S "COACH KNIGHT" OR "MR. KNIGHT" TO YOU -- NOW, DROP AND GIVE ME 20!).

"To the faculty members who signed a petition to prevent my hiring [SELF-RIGHTEOUS MEDDLERS]: I must admit, as a newly sensitive man in touch with his inner child, that hurt. But I also understand where you were coming from [JUST LIKE I KNOW THE ADDRESS OF EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU]. And while you occasionally may disagree with my methods, let me stress that it has always been my number one priority that every player I recruit leaves my program with a diploma that means something [THAT MEANS THEY WON'T BE TAKING ANY OF YOUR LIBERAL LESBIAN STUDIES CLASSES]. If one of my players misses class, I want to hear about it. If one of my players is struggling in class, I want to hear about it [BUT NOT UNTIL AFTER THE SEASON]. Let's work together to make these players scholar-athletes in the truest sense [AND YOU CAN JUST FORGET ABOUT ANY COMP TICKETS].

"To the distinguished members of the media [MAGGOTS]: What can I say? You know my reputation, but I assure you, I am a changed man [ARE YOU TALKING TO ME? YOU TALKIN' TO ME?]. I will be far more cooperative with the press in the future [I'M THE ONLY ONE HERE, YOU MUST BE TALKIN' TO ME]. We all have a job to do. Yours is to ask me questions, and even though it may be unpleasant at times, my job is to answer them with the courtesy and respect their positions deserve [ONE DAY A REAL RAIN WILL COME AND WASH ALL THE SCUM OFF THE STREETS . . .].

"I look forward to working with Tech president David Schmidly, chancellor John Montford and the board of regents [PENCIL-PUSHING BUREAUCRATS]. Gentlemen, thank you for this wonderful second chance to do what I love most [AND FOR SHOWING MORE BACKBONE THAN MYLES BRAND EVER DID]. I will never forget your compassion and wisdom. You will have no problems with me. I will bring only honor to this fine university [GET YOUR STINKING PAWS OFF ME, YOU DAMNED, DIRTY APE!].

"I look forward to working with everyone on the Texas Tech athletic staff, from director Gerald Myers to my receptionist and secretary (AND HONEY, YOU EITHER BETTER HAVE MY COFFEE READY EACH MORNING OR HAVE NO VASES NEAR YOUR DESK).

"And mostly, I look forward to continuuing the proud Texas Tech basketball tradition [DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH].

"Let me finish by saying that there is nowhere in the world I would rather be right now than here in Lubbock, Texas, standing in front of all you wonderful people [I COULD BE IN THE TOURNAMENT RIGHT NOW INSTEAD OF THIS HELLHOLE IF ONLY NEIL REED HAD KEPT HIS FAT MOUTH SHUT].

"Now, let's get to work. We have a lot of work to do before we play in next year's tournament [WHICH IS WHY I BETTER NOT HEAR ANY DAMN CRITICISM WHILE I CLEAN UP THE MESS DICKEY LEFT BEHIND].

"Thank you." [REDRUM! REDRUM! REDRUM!]

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