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Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Mardi Gras vs. Final Four

Page 2 columnist

The Big Dance: For some, it means a berth in the NCAA Tournament. For others, it means grinding up against a stranger on Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras.

Both events give us something to live for in late February and early March, inspire extreme behavior, and create their share of double dribbles -- but which one deserves to be named king of the parade?

Mardi Gras vs. the Final Four: Let the good times roll, let the illegal booster money flow, and let's see how they stack up at the Tale of the Tape ...

Mardi Gras vs. Final Four
Category Mardi Gras Final Four Advantage
At stake Your liver A national championship Push
Location New Orleans -- the enablement capital of the world Minneapolis -- home of the Humperdome Mardi Gras -- Isn't "Humperdome" a subgrouping of enablement?
Keys to winning Pukin' Passin' Final Four
Battle cries "Show us your T**S!" "Rock Chalk Jayhawk" Mardi Gras, and the dreams of lonely men everywhere
What you have to go through to get there The Big Easy The Sweet 16 Push -- Put 'em together, and you're looking at jail time
Take it to the bank Pickpockets make A-Rod money The coach makes A-Rod money by forcing his amateurs to wear Nike Push
Po' boys A fried oyster sandwich Any juniors who haven't turned pro yet Final Four
Contributions to popular culture "Girls Gone Wild!" The last time Christian Laettner didn't irritate us Mardi Gras
Favorites Cirrhosis Michigan State Push
It's amazing what some women will do For two bucks worth of shiny beads To appear competent in the office pool Mardi Gras
Overrated A Hurricane -- liquor's answer to a Cepacol throat lozenge Kansas Push
Elimination The reason you're hugging the porcelain throne The reason you can finally fly Pitino in for a visit Push
Red beans and rice The breakfast of champions What the coach yells out when he wants you to set an illegal pick Mardi Gras
Proof of voodoo You're legally blind from the grain alcohol in the Hand Grenades, yet you make it back to your hotel Gene Keady's hair Push
Rebounds The woman you brought with you to celebrate your divorce The reason you imported that 7-4 Lithuanian who is actually 39 years old Mardi Gras
Inexplicable icons Emeril Vitale Mardi Gras

So, there you have it. It's so simple when you break things down scientifically -- in a no-look pass at the girl on the barstool next to you, the advantage goes to Mardi Gras. But hang in there, Final Four; at least you don't have any Bobby Knight press conferences this year.

Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a Web site at

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