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Bakay's Tale of the Tape:
Tiger vs. James Bond

Page 2

As he plays his 101st tour event this week at the U.S. Open in Tulsa, Okla., it's getting hard to find people who can match up against Tiger Woods. He's suave. He thrives on pressure. He always gets the job done.

Men want to be him, women want to ... well, you know. Put it all together and only one name offers a suitable challenge: Bond ... James Bond.

The unbeatable golfer and the unflappable secret agent. Let's see how they stack up at the Tale of the Tape ...

Tiger Woods vs. James Bond


Weapons of choice:
Titleist clubs

Walther PPK
Bond, unless you attend a Jack Nicholson "Pitching Wedge Clinic"
Associations The PGA Her Majesty's Secret Service Bond
Casey Martin Former teammate, former schmeam-mate. I don't want to offend any potential consumers How do I know that cart isn't armed with harpoon guns? Bond
A green Master's jacket from the Lawrence Welk collection

A semi-automatic tux
Former secretaries: Fluff Miss Moneypenny Bond
Bad imitations
Greg Norman

George Lazenby
Occupational hazards Crazed autograph seek might debilitate him Odd Job might decapitate him Tiger
Provocative names they compete with
Steve Flesch (above), Dicky Pride, Frank Lickliter

Tiger, on sheer volume alone
Big breasted enemies Colin Montgomerie Pick 'em Bond
Names that are euphemisms for felines
His own

Pussy Galore
Also-rans Phil Mickelson, David Duval, Ernie Els The Saint, Our Man Flynt, Matt Helm Push
One-of-a-kind skills Can tee off with a broom handle and still reach the green in two Can wear a tuxedo under a wet suit Tiger
Records An unnatural Grand Slam Hit more homers in May than anyone ... oops, that's Bonds Tiger
Beverage of choice at 19th hole Sunny-D Martini Bond, shaken not stirred
Early signs of greatness Youngest Masters champion ever Bedded his first-grade teacher and got her to give him the answers to the pop quiz Bond
Things haven't been the same since He joined the Tour The Cold War ended Tiger
The Williams sisters

Pierce Brosnan (above), Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, Henry Kissinger
Producers Earl Woods Cubby Brocoli Tiger
Television events Prime-time one-on-one showdowns Annual movie marathon on cable Tiger
Favorite movie Caddyshack Caddyshack!!! Who knew? Push. Somewhere, Gov. Ventura beams with pride.

So, there you have it. In a miraculous escape from an impossible predicament, the advantage goes to James Bond. But hang in there, Tiger. I hear Jimmy can't even break 100 on a municipal par 3.

Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie ...

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a Web site at

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