ESPN Network: | | ABCSports | EXPN | FANTASY

Tale of the Tape:
Graduation vs. Ozzfest

Page2 columnist

You can blow a save any ol' time, but how often does Black Sabbath get back together?

Apparently that was John Rocker's logic when he chose flying to Atlanta for Ozzfest over a controversy-free start with the Cleveland Indians.

Following on the heels of Vince Carter's decision to grab his diploma over sinking a series-winning jumper in the playoffs, athletes and their off-days and free time are officially a hot topic.

Now, on the surface it would appear more valid to squeeze your commencement in between games than to blow a save because your ears are still ringing from the 12th encore.

Then again, Rocker took his chances on a regular-season game, while Carter rolled the dice with the season on the line. So, it's time to get to the bottom of extracurricular risk versus reward: Attending your graduation, attending Ozzfest. Who really had the best destination?

Let's see how they stack up at the Tale of the Tape ...

Graduation vs. Ozzfest

Your big moment The school president hands you your diploma Ozzy hands you a flailing, headless dove Graduation, unless the parchment is infectious
Toss Your cap Your cookies Graduation
Androgynous opening acts The Whiffenpoofs Marilyn Manson Push
Hypocrisy The university awards an honorary doctorate to a celebrity with a ninth grade education Ozzy urges you all to drive home safely Push
Emotional moments Your parents realize they just spent $120,000 so you could learn how to tap a keg You realize the reunited Black Sabbath look like the Golden girls with a Marshall stack Push
Cliques Phi Beta Kappa I Phelta Thi Ozzfest
Encores Pomp and Circumstance War Pigs Ozzfest
The big three Reading, writing and arithmetic Sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll Ozzfest. In the current political climate, S, D & R are better qualifications if you want to be elected President.
Memories In your heart for a lifetime In your bloodstream for a week Graduation
The morning after You wake up to the reality of no job and massive student loan debt You wake up to the reality of a skinhead spooning you in the drunk tank Push!
"Oh, Dear!" The valedictorian considers his speech one last chance to kiss teachers' butts The mosh pit is sponsored by Zima Push
Second stage A humble barbeque for the kids who finished a few credits short The little stage with the bands no one has heard of Push
Clichés "You are the leaders of tomorrow ..." "Hello, Atlanta!" Push

So, there you have it. It's so simple when you break things down scientifically. In a race that finished tighter than Rocker's Shea Stadium security, the advantage goes to ... push!

I guess I'm in favor of any individual who chooses to let his freak flag fly in the face of conventional wisdom. That being said, I remain confident Rocker will give me a reason to regret this.

Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a website at

Send this story to a friend | Most sent stories

tale of the tape 

Tale of the Tape:
Mariners vs. Starbucks

Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Bill Walton vs. Anne Robinson

Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Tomb Raider vs. Mr. Raider

Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Tiger Woods vs. James Bond

Bakay's Tale of the Tape: L.A. Phil vs. Chicago Phil

Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Anna vs. No Anna

Nick Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Wilt vs. Shaq

Tale of the Tape: Dominator vs. Dominatrix

Nick Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Michael Vick vs. Mel Kiper Jr.

Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Tony Soprano vs. Bob Knight

Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Super Bowl vs. Survivor

Bakay: Baltimore vs. New York Tale of the Tape

Bakay: Shaq vs. Kobe Tale of the Tape

Copyright ©2001 ESPN Internet Ventures. Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and Safety Information are applicable to this site. Employment opportunities at