THE 10-STEP GUIDELINE FOR FINDING OUR TYPE OF TRAIL BLAZER:
1. Must possess thorough understanding of the bail-bond process in 20 states and the District of Columbia. Team representatives are always ready to assist in Oregon, but response time may be slower in the NBA's other ports of call. Comprehensive knowledge of Ontario's criminal justice system recommended, but not required.
2. Proper representation. Players should have the digits of at least three legal attorneys who like to use the phrases "bogus search", "preposterous findings" and "if the glove don't fit ..." Added bonus if they have rappers on retainer.
3. Specialized public relations skills. Disrespecting apathetic fans in a half-empty arena won't cut it on this team. Players must be able to annoy and disenchant one of professional basketball's most loyal fan bases. Ability to appear ungrateful and entitled both in print and at community events (such as holiday charity benefits) a requirement.
4. A basic understanding of directions. i.e, must be able to turn to your
left, turn to your right upon command.
5. Parenting skills. Must be willing to make statements like "we have to lead by example" and "this type of behavior will not be tolerated" and "if you do that again, I will beat the living crap out of you."
6. Possess knowledge of full array of hand gestures. Cursing in sign language an added plus. If you can flip the bird with one hand and slap a teammate with the other, sign immediately.
7. Must possess strong horticulture skills. Planting seeds in The
Rose Garden is a team tradition.
8. The ability to roll a joint while cruising down Interstate-5 at 80 mph in a $50,000 Hummer. Added points if the player can come up with creative excuses for law enforcement on a moment's notice or have a medical prescription for glaucoma.
9. Must understand the phrase: "There is no We in Team."
10. An Ivy League degree is always helpful. How we found Chris Dudley, after all.