Behind the music
By Gino Bona
Special to Page 2

Every one of us shares the same dream: We want to be rock stars.

We want that lifestyle. The money. The fame. The videos. The Cristal. The posses. The harems. The license to wear ass-less pants.

Snoop Dogg
Didn't you see my hizzle on MTV Cribs? You know you want to be me.
Yeah, we want it all.

Athletes are no exception to this universally shared dream. Unfortunately, most athletes don't have the musical skills to go platinum. Even a reinstated Pete Rose can't beat the odds of turning from All-Star to rock star.

Sluggers have a better chance of hitting the Big Unit's fastball than hitting a high note on the big stage. Ballers have a better chance of breaking a full-court press than breaking 'N Sync's first-week sales record. Gridiron gods have a better chance of recording a sack than recording on a major label.

(You get my drift, right?)

But that doesn't stop athletes -- or any of us pathetic mortals -- from spraining a larynx at a nearby karaoke bar. I caught up with some rock jocks to see what they're crooning these days. What I discovered is quite startling: These athletes are pouring their hearts into every single word.

Florida State quarterback Chris Rix
(To the tune of: "Fight For Your Right To Party," by The Beastie Boys)

"You wake up late for school, man -- you don't want to go.

Now I can't play in the Sugar Bowl."

Washington Wizards forward Michael Jordan
(To the tune of: "Used To Love Her," by Guns N' Roses)

"I used to love her
But I had to pay her.
I used to love her, mmm yeah
But I had to pay her.
I had to write a humungous check
And I can still hear her complain."

NFL coaches Marty Morningweg, Mike Holmgren, Dave Campo, Dick LeBeau, Tom Coughlin, Mike Tice and Dick Jauron
(To the tune of: "Hot In Herre," by Nelly)

"It's getting hot in here.
So get your resume ready.
I am getting so hot, I'm gonna post it on Monster.com."

Alex Popov & Patrick Hayashi, co-owners of Barry Bonds' 73rd home run ball
(To the tune of: "How Can We Be Lovers," by Michael Bolton)

"How can we be partners if we can't be friends?
How can we share the ball when the fighting never ends?
Baby, how can we make a profit if we can't make amends?
Tell me how can we be partners if we can't be, can't be friends?"

Miami Heat coach Pat Riley
(To the tune of: "Janie's Got A Gun," by Aerosmith)

"Javie's got a gun.
Javie's got a gun.
My whole world's come undone.
And paying fifty grand is no f&#$@%' fun."

Wayne Chrebet
Wayne might as well go to the George Washington Bridge and jump.
New York Jets wide receiver Wayne Chrebet
(To the tune of: "Jump," by Van Halen)

"I get up. The Bears brought me down.
You got it tough? I dropped the ball on the ground.
You don't know, baby, just how I feel.
You've got to hang onto the rock to get to what's real."

Robert Johnson, BET founder and owner of newest NBA franchise in Charlotte
(To the tune of: "From The Chuuuch To The Palace," by Snoop Dogg)

"Who's the man with that dance? (RoJo!)
Who kicked Larry Bird in the pants? (RoJo!)
Get George Shinn's former land? (RoJo!)
Who's got MJ in the palm of his hand? (RoJo!)"

Larry Bird, NBA legend and almost-owner of newest NBA franchise in Charlotte
(To the tune of: "I Will Survive," by Gloria Gaynor)

"At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Kept thinkin' I could never live without Charlotte's team by my side
I spent so many nights thinking how Stern did me wrong.
And I grew strong and I learned how to get along."

For the past year, Gino Bona has petrified unassuming readers on his "Wink & The Gun" site, which can be reached at www.winkandthegun.com. E-mail him at gino@winkandthegun.com.





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