It's Mascot Madness
By Jim Caple
Page 2 columnist
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It's Mascot Madness By Jim Caple Page 2 columnist | ||||
Forget Bobby Knight's advice and the NCAA's sancitimonious criticism. I've got the secret to winning your office pool, and it doesn't involve watching game videotapes, studying season results or placing a 1-900 phone call.
No. 1 Duke Blue Devils vs No. 16 Monmouth Hawks This reminds me. Apparently bowing to pressure from some people who are way, way too uptight, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays dropped the word "Devil" from their jerseys this year. C'mon, people, get a life. If Tampa Bay receives supernatural aid, why did they sign Wilson Alvarez and Juan Guzman for so much money? Blue Devils by 42.  No. 8 Georgia Bulldogs vs. No. 9 Missouri TigersThere are a lot of bulldog mascots out there and most look like they would rat out their best friend after a five-minute interrogation from McGruff. Georgia really makes its bulldog work though, with a terrific costumed tough who comes complete with protruding bottom tooth, plus a long line of live dogs named Uga (they bury the dead ones behind the Sanford Stadium end zone, along with their Sugar Bowl hopes). Bulldogs by four.  No. 5 Ohio State Buckeyes vs. No. 12 Utah State AggiesGranted, Aggies is a stupid name and the mascot has no apparent relationship to the name. But have you seen this guy? Check out the logo and tell me this isn't a Final Four mascot. I swear, he's enough to make John Thompson wet his pants. Aggies by 13. No. 4 UCLA Bruins vs. No. 13 Hofstra Pride I can put up with the Bruin, even if he does look a little too much like Sugar Bear from the Super Sugar Crisp cereal box. But that Bruiness in the lame jumper has got to go. Pride by three. No. 6 USC Trojans vs. No. 11 Oklahoma State Cowboys Heh-heh. Trojans. Vitale said Trojans. Heh-heh. Trojans by six, Beavis. No. 3 Boston College Eagles vs. No. 14 Southern Utah Thunderbirds An eagle against a thunderbird. What we have here is a pretty even match. Sort of like 'N Sync and the Backstreet Boys, except these two mascots don't make you want to ram redhot pokers into your ears. Eagles by five. No. 7 Iowa Hawkeyes vs. No. 10 Creighton Blue Jays There are two basic approaches to mascots. One, you make them look as fierce as possible (the Utah State Aggie). Two, you make them so ridiculously harmless that you expect to see them posing for pictures at the Knott's Berry Farm entrance (Herky the Hawkeye). Ridiculously harmless almost always wins. Hawkeyes by 12.  No. 2 Kentucky Wildcats vs. No. 15 Holy Cross CrusadersAnd following the game, you can find the Crusader performing the late-dinner joust at the Medieval Knights Round Table Buffet along I-75. Crusaders by four. West Region No. 1 Stanford Cardinal vs. No. 16 UNCG Spartans Either you love that goofy dancing tree or you hate it. Me, I love it. But put Oskie, the Cal Bear in the hate group. During a 1995 game, he beat up the tree. Apparently, things have changed at Cal since the '60s. Cardinal by 20. No. 8 Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets vs. No. 9 St. Joseph's Hawks  The Hawk is probably the hardest-working mascot in the tourney. That boisterous bird flaps its wings throughout the entire game. Gotta applaud that energy, but I still gotta go with the nasty Yellow Jacket. Wreck by five.
No. 5 Cincinnati Bearcats vs. No. 12 BYU CougarsOn sheer originality, it's the Bearcats by five. No. 4 Indiana Hoosiers vs. No. 13 Kent State Golden Flashes I've never much cared for Indiana's mascot, what with his arrogance, attitude, intimidation technique and that fire engine-red sweater barely covering his belly. No, wait, I forgot. IU canned him last summer. Golden Flashes by one. No. 6 Wisconsin Badgers vs. No. 11 Georgia State Panthers With that fierce look in his eye, collegiate sweater covering a puffed-out chest and that purposeful swagger, the Badger is about as cool a mascot as the NCAA offers. I bet he could even stop Ron Dayne dead in his tracks. Badgers by 11.  No. 3 Maryland Terrapins vs. No. 14 George Mason PatriotsRemember the old New England Patriots logo, the one with the Minuteman hiking the football between his legs? And Pats fans wondered why their team never won. Who could play with such an embarrassing thing on their helmets? But at least they didn't use a friggin' turtle as the symbol for their athletic team. Patriots by five. No. 7 Arkansas Razorbacks vs. No. 10 Georgetown Hoyas  Oh, man. This is a complete mismatch. For my money, the Razorback is the best mascot going in sports. Fierce, distinctive and you have to love those hoghats. I wanted one so badly several years back that I called long-distance to a store in Fayetteville and asked, "Do you have hoghats for sale?" "No," the woman replied, "they're the same price as always." The Razorback also whupped ass on Wilbur the Arizona Wildcat during the 1994 Final Four, forcing knee surgery. This guy doesn't take any crap. Razorbacks by 16.
No. 2 Iowa State Cyclones vs. No. 15 Hampton PiratesAaarrrrrr mateys, Cyclones by 18. South Region No. 1 Michigan State Spartans vs. No. 16 Alabama State Hornets Angry insects versus Russell Crowe with a serious gland problem. All Hail, the Spartans (by 23). No. 8 Califonia Bears vs. No. 9 Fresno State Bulldogs Just remember what he did to that Stanford Tree, Dog. Bears by two.  No. 5 Virginia Cavaliers vs. No. 12 Gonzaga BulldogsVirginia's mascot always reminds me of that great movie, "My Favorite Year," in which Peter O'Toole stars as Alan Swann, an alcoholic matinee idol who agrees to appear as a guest on the King Kaiser Variety Show during the golden age of television. After many drunk, nervous moments, he finally shows up at the studio, fully costumed for the musketeer sketch, calm, cool and confident. And then he finds out the sketch is being broadcast live, sending him into an absolute panic. Mark Linn Baker tries to calm him down, reminding him he can perform the sketch because he's an accomplished actor. "I'm not an actor," O'Toole rages, "I'm a movie star." But I digress ... Cavaliers by eight. No. 4 Oklahoma Sooners vs. No. 13 Indiana State Sycamores Just so long as they keep that Sooner Schooner off the court ... Sooners by 12. No. 6 Texas Longhorns vs. No. 11 Temple Owls A several ton bull with a bad attitude and horns like the fins on a '57 Chevy? Or a fat, bookish bird? Hmmmmmm. Horns by 8. No. 3 Florida Gators vs. No. 14 Western Kentucky Hilltoppers  The Gator is sort of the reptilian version of the Wisconsin Badger. But what puts him over the top is that little freshman beanie he wears on top of his head. Though I'm told you almost never see alligators wearing their beanies in the wild. Gators by 13.
No. 7 Penn State Nittany Lions vs. No. 10 Providence FriarsIt's good to see Rick Majerus get into the tournament somehow. Friars by four.  No. 2 North Carolina Tar Heels vs. No. 15 Princeton TigersBirds and cats make up 23 percent of the mascots in the tournament. Which makes a distinctive mascot like the Tar Heel as welcome as a minute of silence during Billy Packer's analysis. Heels by 19. Midwest Region No. 1 Illinois Fighting Illini vs. No. 16 Northwestern State Demons Schools actually receive grief when they switch from Native American mascots to a generic nickname, but I'm all for it. White settlers chased Native Americans from their land, exposed them to smallpox, decimated their population, forced them onto barren reservations and stereotyped them worldwide as tomahawk-wielding savages who couldn't shoot straight. So, the absolute least we can do is acknowledge that they just might have a legitimate beef when they say Chief Wahoo or Chief Illiniwek is offensive. Demons by two. No. 8 Tennessee Volunteers vs. No. 9 Charlotte 49ers You probably are puzzled by the 49ers nickname, too. Alert readers, however, inform me that Charlotte was indeed the site of a gold rush in 1749. So that explains that. It's a tough choice, but I've still got to go with the war-ready Volunteer over C. Everett Koop with a pickaxe. Vols by two. No. 5 Syracuse Orangemen vs. No. 12 Hawaii Warriors You just don't see many half-naked, sword-wielding men in flowing red capes. At least not since Dennis Rodman has toned down his schtick. Warriors by one.  No. 4 Kansas Jayhawks vs. No. 13 Cal-State Northridge MatadorsNext opponent for the matador after he slays the Jayhawk? Toucan Sam. Matadors by 2. No. 6 Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. No. 11 Xavier Musketeers I don't know about you, but that little leprechaun is about the weakest mascot in the business. Give the leprechaun six months with a personal trainer, load him up with red meat and steroids, fire him up with Eminem songs until his ears bleed and I bet Robby Benson still kicks his ass. Musketeers by seven.  No. 3 Mississippi Rebels vs. No. 14 Iona GaelsNice image for a public institution of higher learning, huh? Four decades after Rosa Parks and 136 years since the final shot of the Civil War, and Mississippi still has Colonel Rebel for a mascot. What, was the Grand Wizard already taken? Gaels by five. No. 7 Wake Forest Demon Deacons vs. No. 10 Butler Bulldogs Let me ask you. When you think of a demon, you picture some guy with horns growing out of his head, blazing red eyes, a long forked tail, warts, a hunchback, green razor-sharp teeth and a mouth that alternates between breathing fire and projectile vomiting. You definitely do not think of an insane country squire in a silk top hat. Bulldogs by four. No. 2 Arizona Wildcats vs. No. 15 Eastern Illinois Panthers Arizona has a great program and I like Lute Olson, but where did they get that lame Wildcat costume? It looks like it should come with a "Kick Me" sign on the back. No wonder the Razorback sent Wilbur packing. Panthers by one on a buzzer-beater. Jim Caple is a regular contributor to Page 2.  Send this story to a friend | Most sent stories |
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