| | | Fresh off one of the great World Series of all-time, commissioner Bud Selig announced Tuesday that he will eliminate two major-league teams before next season. He wouldn't reveal the two unlucky teams, but the speculation is that they are the Montreal Expos and Minnesota Twins.
|  | | Unfortunately for the Expos, not enough people agree with this guy. |
Why the Expos? Because they play in Canada, where no one noticed or cared while owner Jeffrey Loria did more to destroy interest in the sport than the final three episodes of Ken Burns' "Baseball." Loria didn't even have a radio or TV contract for much of 2000, and baseball didn't lift a finger to protest. The way baseball figures it, as long as the only ones complaining are Canadians, it's OK.
Why the Twins? Because a team that was in first place as recently as late July is owned by Carl Pohlad, a heartless banker who got his start by collecting bad debts during the Depression. When it comes down to money or the community, he chooses his wallet every time.
But are those two teams the most logical ones for elimination? Not at all. In fact, you can make a case that there are 28 other teams that should go first. Or at least a case as sound as the ones against the Twins and Expos.
Arizona Diamondbacks: So what if they just won the World Series? In doing so, owner Jerry Colangelo ran up a mountain of debt faster than Ted Kennedy ever could, and then had the gall to announce this week that baseball needs a new economic model. Despite winning Phoenix's first championship in the four major professional sports, attendance keeps falling and Colangelo is so far in debt that the World Series trophy will be kept on display in a pawnshop window.
Anaheim Angels: Why? Forty years in the majors and still no World Series, that's why. There are lines at the DMV that progress faster than that.
Atlanta Braves: Because they've sunk more October prime-time series than Ted McGinley.
|  | | As Nomar Garciaparra says, no one wants to play in Boston anymore. |
Boston Red Sox: Nearly 500,000 American workers have lost their jobs since Sept. 11 and nearly half of them were fired by Dan Duquette.
What a mess. The team is for sale, management wants to replace the league's most loved and historic park, Nomar is hurt, Pedro is hurt and angry, and the club payroll is $110 million. And people wonder why the Red Sox haven't won a championship since 1918? Afghanistan is better run than the Red Sox.
Baltimore Orioles: I mean, what's the point anyway, now that Cal is gone?
Chicago Cubs: You want to talk about a team that isn't competitive? The last time the Cubs were in the World Series, there still was a color barrier. On the other hand, eliminating the Cubs means those North Side unemployment offices are going to be mighty crowded during summer afternoons.
Chicago White Sox: Why? They haven't won a World Series since 1917 and haven't been to a series during Mike Morgan's lifetime. They threw the 1919 World Series. New Comiskey Park. They're owned by Jerry Reinsdorf. Their most noteable player of the past 40 years now plays for the Washington Wizards.
Cincinnati Reds: On second thought, no. Ken Griffey Jr. prefers they be moved to his gated community of Isleworth instead.
|  | | Do we really need a team that sports the Chief Wahoo logo? |
Cleveland Indians: Two words. Chief Wahoo.
Colorado Rockies: The man who came up with this whole contraction idea in the first place is Rockies owner Jerry McMorris. Great idea, Jerry. Bad news, though. We're starting with you to see how it works out.
Detroit Tigers: Because they abandoned one of baseball's finest ballparks for another retro-park that no one really wanted. And they still stink.
Florida Marlins: Contraction would merely officially complete the process Wayne Huizenga began the day after winning the 1997 World Series.
Houston Astros: They're as old as Tony Gwynn, but they've never been to the World Series. And who would notice if they were disbanded? Seriously, have you ever come across a passionate Astros fan anywhere?
Kansas City Royals: Wait. You mean, they haven't already been contracted?
Los Angeles Dodgers: Baseball could vote to contract the Dodgers in 2004 and the fans would leave next July to beat the traffic.
Milwaukee Brewers: The Brewers haven't been competitive since Bob Uecker's punchlines were fresh. Under Bud Selig's capable stewardship, no team has gone longer without a winning record. And this is the man baseball chooses as its leader? No wonder Donald Fehr is so ticked off all the time.
New York Mets: You want to know the first step baseball should take to solve its financial problems? Place another team in New York. The area is certainly large enough to support a third team. And by doing so, you create competition for TV viewers and reduce the Yankees' unfair broadcast advantage. That means less money for George Steinbrenner, who spends less on free agents, which lowers the price for everyone and reduces costs throughout the league.
What are the chances of it happening? Less than that of noted fan Hillary Clinton giving you accurate directions to Shea Stadium.
|  | | Joe Torre's ridiculous Yogi Berra hat is reason enough to boot the Yanks. |
New York Yankees: Because it would bring so much joy to so many people.
(By the way, while Joe Torre might have been disappointed in his team's Game 7 loss, I suspect that deep down he was delighted that he never had to wear that ridiculous Yogi Berra cap ever again.)
Oakland Athletics: For no better reason than they lost to the Yankees when they had them down 2-0 in the division series. Not that that isn't reason enough.
Philadelphia Phillies: But the Phanatic stays.
Pittsburgh Pirates: Great new ballpark. Same awful team.
St. Louis Cardinals: Because they play in a great stadium, but they're bitching for another one.
San Diego Padres: I mean, what's the point anyway, now that Tony is gone? Besides, they could sell off their old uniforms to Burger King.
|  | | No matter how great Pac Bell Park is, we want to see the Giants back in the Polo Grounds. |
San Francisco Giants: They get a choice. Contract or return to the Polo Grounds.
Seattle Mariners: Did you know that the team's owner, Hiroshi Yamauchi, has never seen the Mariners play in person? It's true. And if the owner doesn't care, why should the rest of baseball?
(By the way, former Mariners owner George Argyros is now the U.S. ambassador to Spain. Out of habit, he threatened to move the embassy to Portugal his first day on the job.)
Tampa Bay Devil Rays: Fill in your own punchline.
Toronto Blue Jays: Because if the trend with the Canadian exchange rate continues, the team will be worth about $17.92 U.S. in about four years, anyway.
Texas Rangers: Ownership stupidity is nothing new, you know. The Griffith family owned the Washington Senators for half a century and the team was always one of the least successful in the game. Finally, in 1961, Calvin Griffith decided enough was enough, that he could no longer make a go of it in Washington, that it was a terrible market where no one could ever succeed, and moved the team to Minnesota. So what did baseball do? It immediately placed another team in Washington. And after 10 years of terrible attendance and mostly awful play, the team moved to Texas.
The Rangers are now owned by Tom Hicks, who signed Alex Rodriguez to a $252 million contract last winter when what he really needed was better pitching.
And Selig wants people to believe that Minnesota and Montreal fans are the problem?
Jim Caple is a senior writer for Page 2.
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