J. Ruben Rivera
"Memorabilia for the Adventurous Sports Fan"
Spring 2002 Catalogue
My hardy buyers have again braved the tiger-populated jungles of Myanmar, the
icy mountain-tops of the Himalayas and the unguarded lockers of the Yankees
spring training clubhouse in Tampa to bring you the very best in sports
memorabilia. All items are fully guaranteed to be 110 percent authentic ... just don't ask too many questions.
(Sorry - due to the extraordinary nature of this sale, I cannot accept credit cards, checks or money orders.)
Roger Clemens game-worn jersey: The difference between a major-leaguer
and the right fielder on your company softball team? Talent, yes, but the
quality of the uniform, too. Your jersey is a thin T-shirt with the name of a local sports bar cheaply stenciled across the front. Theirs is a superbly
crafted garment of breathable cotton that keeps you cool during those August doubleheaders and warm during those cool October nights. The
hand-stitching will last through repeated seasons and the pinstripes provide a natural slimming effect. Your heart will beat just a little faster under
the classic Tiffany-designed NY logo on the breast. And when people see the 22 on the back, they'll remember Mike
Piazza face down in the crimson-tinted dirt on a hot July evening, and give
you room to pass, never knowing that you earned this rugged cloth not with a
97-mile heater but with just $700 in tens and twenties.
|Cartoonist Kurt Snibbe finds a steal of a deal online.|
Derek Jeter's World Series rings: Terra-cotta façades. Shadows
creeping across the infield. A sellout crowd shouting and stomping its feet
as the Bombers cross those alabaster chalk lines. Is there a more spirited
place than Yankee Stadium in the autumn? Now you can enjoy that feeling
year-round with one of these diamond-encrusted gems on your fat little
fingers. Ernie Banks played two decades and went deep 512 times without
coming close to a World Series ring, but now you can have one for just $50,000.
Bernie Williams' American Express card: A late night in a steamy
Atlanta strip club. Your friends are enjoying another round of micro-brews.
Then a lingerie-clad woman sidles up and whispers phrases into your ear that
would make a cheap whore on the backstreets of Bangkok blush.
Suddenly, the swarthy manager pulls you aside and tells you you're over your
credit limit and directs his Burmese gorilla bouncers to escort you into the vomit-speckled alley. But you need never endure this embarrassment again because Bernie's Amex card doesn't have a pre-set spending limit. Best of all, the bills never show up in your mailbox, so no monthly payments -- and no prying questions from a suspicious spouse. Is $16,000 too much to ask for peace of mind?
Brian Cashman's checkbook: A left-handed setup man? A home-run
slugging free agent first baseman? Or just a flat-screen television set for
your crib? Buy them all -- no item is beyond your price range. Spend like a
drunk Arab sheik on the oil-rich streets of Kuwait -- or at least until the
blank checks run out. Is $12,000 too high a price for unlimited wealth?
Joe Torre's wallet: Sure, you'll stand taller and walk with a
confident strut when you feel this hand-crafted leather gem filling your
backpocket. But it's when you sit down that you'll truly appreciate the
Corsican calf hide and Patagonia silk lining -- it will be as if you're sitting alongside Joe in his office, filling out the world's greatest lineup with him. And just think how impressed people will be at parties when you open this wallet and show them photos of Joe's family. Bobby V. would hire a desperate band of Kashmir assassins for this wallet but it's yours for just $800.
Orlando Hernandez's car stereo: Just like El Duque himself, you'll
feel the years melt away as you drive up to a South Beach hotspot with salsa
music spilling from the speakers of this 45-watt, four-channel Blaupunkt
black beauty. Mini-skirted hotties will go weak in the knees and
valets will line up to park your car when they hear the sound quality provided by the state-of-the-art CD DigiCeiver, CD Changer Control, DSA Digistal Sound Adjusting and DNC Noise Covering. Comes with El Duque's personal collection of Latin disks. Listening to the
Buena Vista Social Club, it will be as if you're back in 1950s Havana, drinking mojitos and enjoying the riches of the corrupt Batista government. Best of all, it removes quickly for easy transport. That's good, because I won't install it, not when I'm asking only $500.
George Steinbrenner's hubcaps: Your ego will swell so much that
you'll barely be able to fit behind the wheel when driving your car with
these silver-plated, custom-designed jewels. Each is embossed in 14-carat
gold leaf with the Steinbrenner family crest -- a $100 bill rising grandly
over an open mouth. Perfect for the limo. Take a spin through the
mean streets of the Bronx with these on and you'll feel an irresistible urge
to fire the manager and harass Dave Winfield. All in near-mint condition,
other than a few scratches from the crowbar. A miserable small-market owner from the beer-soaked streets of Milwaukee could never afford such opulence but you can have them for just $1,000 apiece or the set of four for $3,300.
Jim Caple is a senior writer for ESPN.com.