|Ferris Bueller's Night Off|
By Jim Caple
Page 2 columnist
Chicago reacts to Tuesday night's Cubs game . . .
"FERRIS BUELLER'S NIGHT OFF''
INT. BILLY GOAT TAVERN. SERVICE COUNTER
[The Billy Goat is filled with Cubs fans gathered to celebrate their team's imminent victory. A very beleaguered high school principal, EDWARD R. ROONEY, squeezes his way to the bar and signals for a beer. He glances at the TV screen just in time to see LUIS CASTILLO'S flyball down the left-field line. Just as MOISES ALOU is about to catch the ball, a dark-haired teenager leans out and grabs for the ball. The ball bounces off his hand and drops to the ground in front of an enraged ALOU. The Cubs fans groan loudly while ROONEY growls under his breath.]
ROONEY: Bueller . . .
EXT. WRIGLEY FIELD. STANDS.
FERRIS: I think I broke my thumb.
NEARBY FAN: That's not the only thing that's gonna get broke, creep!
SLOANE: Can we leave now?
FERRIS: You want to leave? The Cubs are about to win the pennant.
[PUDGE RODRIGUEZ singles to make the score 3-1.]
NEARBY FAN: Kill the guy who interfered with that flyball!
SLOANE: Ferris, I really think we should get out of here . . .
FERRIS: Yeah, maybe you're right. I think it's almost time for the victory parade, anyway.
INT. BILLY GOAT'S. THE SERVICE BAR.
[Various fans react at the bar as the TV shows BUELLER being showered in beer in the stands.]
LEE ELIA: Get a job, you stupid SOB!
DR. PHIL: They ought to kick his friggin' ass!
ELIA: Parents coddle their kids too damn much today! That's why they all end up drunk, on unemployment and sitting in the bleachers booing the Cubs.
DR. PHIL: A good thick belt across the ass is a great disciplinary tool. They'll think twice when they can't sit down for a week!
[The TV shows ALEX GONZALEZ botching a double-play grounder.]
MICHAEL JORDAN: I think I tried out for the wrong team.
EXT. WRIGLEY FIELD. STANDS.
WILLIAMS: So, Billy, how much do you think we'll be able to get with our lawsuit against Jeff Nelson? A million? A couple hundred grand? Billy? Billy? Billy?
FLYNN: Whatever you say, Phil. But don't call me, I'll call you.
[FLYNN walks down to BUELLER and hands him his business card.]
FLYNN: Nice to meet you, young man. My name is Billy Flynn. And I would like to represent you in your upcoming personal injury suit.
BUELLER: Personal injury suit? I don't need to file a personal injury suit.
[JEFF CONINE hits a sacrifice fly to put the Marlins ahead, 4-3.]
FLYNN: You will, kid. You will.
INT. BILLY GOAT'S. BACK ROOM.
[BOB SWERSKI and his fellow Chicago Superfans sit at a large table, eating an enormous plateful of cheeseburgers.]
SWERSKI: Now, gentlemen, let me ask you this. Say Barry Bonds used an aluminum bat and took steroids and was subjected to gamma rays, and Sammy was only 14 inches tall. Could Barry beat Sammy in a home run derby?
PAT ARNOLD: Only if Barry got to bat off Gil Heredia and Sammy had to bat off Kerry and Prior.
TODD O'CONNOR: Would mini-Sammy have to use a little bat, too, or could he use his regular bat?
SWERSKI: His regular bat.
O'CONNOR: Then I gotta go with Sammy.
SWERSKI: Good. Now, who's going to kick the Marlins' butts?
SUPERFANS: Da Cubs!
SWERSKI: Who's going to the World Series?
SWERSKI: Who's the best team in Chicago?
[The TV shows MIKE MORDECAI clearing the bases with a double to give Florida a 7-3 lead.]
SUPERFANS: Da Bears.
INT. BILLY GOAT'S. TABLE NEAR BAR.
[The TV monitor shows fans pelting BUELLER with beer bottles.]
MAYOR RICHARD DALEY: If that guy did that in New York, I'd have him arrested.
OPRAH: This si so sad. All these people overreacting to a baseball play. It's not like the fan did it on purpose. He didn't even lean onto the field. The ball was in the stands! Everybody els would have done the same thing. And just because he touched the ball, does that mean the Cubs can't get anyone out. Please, people. This sort of reaction is unwarranted. Save that passion for something that really matters in life.
[The TV shows JUAN PIERRE singling to make it 8-3, then another shot of BUELLER being mobbed.]
OPRAH: Get that miserable @$$*@#! He has it coming to him!
INT. CHICAGO GENERAL HOSPITAL. EMERGENCY ROOM.
[Ambulance roars up and paramedics, along with CAMERON and SLOANE, rush BUELLER into the ER.]
PARAMEDIC: We've got a teenage male with severe head trauma!
DR. JOHN CARTER: How did it happen?
SLOANE: I don't know! He tried to catch a foul ball and then everyone went crazy and started attacking him!
DR.ROBERT ROMANO: You mean he's the kid who screwed up that flyball for Alou?
DR. ROMANO: Forget it, Carter. Don't waste a bed on this creep.
CAMERON: Wait! What about the Hippocratic oath!
DR. CARTER: Hippocratic oath? What, do we look like Sox fans or something?
SLOANE: Please! You have to do something! He could have brain damage!
ROMANO: Trust me, kid, if he reached out for a foul ball and screwed up the Cubs chances of reaching the World Series, he must have already been brain damaged.
INT. BILLY GOAT'S. FOOD COUNTER.
COOK (Yelling toward kitchen): Cheezborger, Cheezborger, Cheezborger.
[The TV shows the final out of the Cubs 8-3 loss.]
COOK: What do you think?
EBERT: I think I'll have a rum and Coke. And make it a double.
COOK: No Coke, Pepsi.
INT. O'HARE AIRPORT. UNITED TERMINAL.
[While waiting for his red-eye flight to New York, 19-year-old JEFFREY MAIER watches the SportsCenter highlights of the Cubs game. As he sees BUELLER drop the ball again, he shakes his head with disgust.]
MAIER: At least I held on to my ball.
Jim Caple is a senior writer for ESPN.com.