HELP WANTED: Flushing, N.Y.-based company seeks house-cleaning assistance. Fax resume to 1-888-LETSGOMETS.
HELP WANTED: Awesome lawyer who can get me into the women's bracket for next year's French Open. Willing to introduce perfect candidate to Mandy Moore's friends as compensation. Call Andy Roddick.
HELP WANTED: Talented resume writer needed to offset imminent job loss. Experience writing for coaches/broadcasters is desired. Phone Doug Collins.
HELP WANTED: Established Western franchise seeks goal-oriented individual to keep nets clean. Must have excellent hand-eye coordination, be able to fill very large skates, and be willing to relocate to Colorado. 19+ years experience preferred. $1-2 million/year. Send resumes to Pepsi Center, 1000 Chopper Place, Denver, CO 80204, ATTN: Pierre or Tony.
HELP WANTED: PGA Tour golfer looking for tough-as-nails male to kick the ass of everyone who is making fun of me for finishing below Annika at the Colonial. Willingness to carry my golf bag on weekends mandatory. Call Bob Estes.
HELP WANTED: Youthful entrepreneur requires professional in the management of recently acquired funds. Ability to help with social studies homework and knowledge of PS2 also a plus. Send resume and salary info to Adu in Washington.
HELP WANTED: Men's tennis player. American preferred, but not required. Must have enough physical dominance and charisma and to rescue an entire sport from oblivion. Experience on clay a must. Contact: French Open, Roland-Garros.
HELP WANTED: Super Bowl-winning coach with Super Bowl-caliber organization seeks quarterback, running back, defensive backs, wide receivers, offensive and defensive lineman and linebackers. And a punter. (Family men a plus.) If interested, send resume to B. Parcells, Irving, Texas.
HELP WANTED: Resurgent small-market baseball team seeks bullpen. Lefties a plus. Contact Allard Baird immediately.
HELP WANTED: "The Greatest Spectacle in Racing" seeks American drivers and American fans. No NASCAR reps need apply.
SITUATION WANTED: Suspended professional with too much idle time, looking for work. Skills include terrible judgment, inappropriate comments, and 1,500-word columns that meet tight deadlines. Availability is wide open for two more weeks. Call Bob Ryan.
SITUATION WANTED: Experienced reporter with imaginative style seeks full-time journalist position. Most recently employed by the world's most prestigious newspaper. Equal opportunity workplace a must.
SITUATION WANTED: Basketball legend seeks executive position with NBA franchise, preferably within a helicopter ride of Chicago. Salary must be commensurate with ego.
SITUATION WANTED: Top-notch GM ready for new opportunity outside of New York. Are you ready to win? If so, $150 million a year for five years and my services will get you that one (1) pennant you deserve. I can take you almost to the top! Contact Steve Phillips.
SEEKING EMPLOYMENT: Leaderless? Lacking in knowledge? In need of a publicity stunt to revive moribund program? Basketball legend is available to coach, mentor, and reach objects on high shelves to accommodate team owner or school athletic director. Ask for Kareem or Lew.
SERVICES OFFERED: Betting tips from a proven winner! Get the skinny from our "pro in the know." Log on now to williambennett.com or dial 1-900-HYPOCRT for the best sports book in the biz!
SENSITIVITY COUNSELING: PGA Tour golfer, turned sensitivity trainer, specializing in gender workplace issues. VJ Enterprises, Lautoka, Fiji.
BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY: Make money from home! I made millions from my house, without doing anything. You can, too! For more info, contact Albert Belle Enterprises
BABYSITTER WANTED: Candidates must be patient, patient, patient! Experience as scapegoat and knowledge of basic defensive basketball strategy are mandatory. Call Gordon Gund.
CHILDCARE NEEDED: Orlando professional looking for help in the daily care of nine, possibly more, children. Send information, references and full body photo to S. Kemp.
WANTED TO PURCHASE: Used DeLorean -- with flux capacitor -- that can handle 88 MPH to take me back to September 2002. Call Mike Price.
WANTED TO PURCHASE: Customized body armor in compliance with NBA rules and regulations. Willingness to share knowledge of free-throw shooting a plus. Call Bruce Bowen.
FOR SALE: Questec Umpire Evaluation Camera. Had to cough up money for new one, looking to get rid of old one. Excellent condition except for smashed lens. Two cans of Skoal Wintergreen or best offer. Email inquiries only to email@example.com.
FOR SALE: Baseball glove, barely used. This collector's item is a real conversation starter with a "Dewey Defeats Truman" appeal. A large patch on its side commemorates a phantom 300th win.
FOR SALE: Buy bulk and save! Hideki Matsui t-shirts, caps, bobble-heads and assorted memorabilia. Deep Discounts!
ANTIQUE FOR SALE: Rare find! Utah-based firm willing to sell 40-year-old gem. Piece has aged well and is still fully functional. Willing to listen to any and all offers. Call 1-800-UTAHJAZZ for more information.
WANTED: Industrial strength, battery-powered shoe horn for removal of foot from mouth. Must have item before U.S. Open in June. Will pay double for antique shoe horn made in pre-suffrage America. Please contact Vijay.
NEEDED: Twice-daily ride to and from The Coliseum in Nashville. In exchange, driver will receive seats on the 20-yard line, guaranteed car-jacking protection, and whatever remains in the Stoli bottle at the end of each trip. Occasional stops at physical therapy center may be necessary. Phone S. McNair.
MOVING SALE: Large-screen plasma TVs, humidors, pool tables, ping-pong tables, gaming equipment (craps table, slots, roulette wheel -- like new!), air hockey, foosball, etc. Also: Hundreds of pairs of NEW basketball shoes in stylish plastic carrying case CHEAP. All prices WILL BE negotiated. Contact Michael Jordan, Washington, D.C.
MEN SEEKING WOMEN: Got 'Girl' Power? Have Martha Burk on speed dial? Have an impressive short game? Low-profile PGA Tour tournament organizer seeks woman golfer to create buzz around otherwise-ignored event. Call 'B.C. Open Tournament Organizers'
MEN SEEKING WOMEN: Soon-to-be SWM with a love for hockey and polygamy ISO SWF 25 - 34 with several hot sisters. Call Martin Brodeur.
MEN SEEKING MEN: You: Greatest player of all-time who received unjust punishment in the Capitol. Me: New NBA owner with deep pockets and an even deeper affection for big names in the North Carolina region. I'll give you a piece of the pie if you agree to come to Charlotte and fly. Call Bob Johnson.
MEN SEEKING MEN: Newly-unemployed man seeks fraternity with flexible age requirements for intitiation. Willing to provide cheap beer, pretzels, mock turtlenecks. Call Larry.
LOST: Looking for misplaced Zoltar machine that turned me into my brother, Jeremy. Can't wait much longer; getting too much heat from the Boss. Must have now. Call Jason Giambi.
LOST: The ability to sustain a lead after three quarters. May have been misplaced in Los Angeles, Sacramento, or Dallas. Efforts to compensate have already failed, including media bashing, short-handed opponents and lure of a ring on a silver platter just begging to be taken. If found, call San Antonio and ask for "Pop."
LOST: Corners. One inside, one outside. Please return to 'Greg' in Atlanta ASAP.
LOST: The heart of a champion. Possibly left on floor of Alamo Dome. If found, contact Dr. Jerry H. Buss immediately.
LOST: Dignity. Somewhere on Midwest college campus. Please contact Larry Eustachy in oblivion.
RELOCATION OPPORTUNITY: Major metropolitan area seeks qualified athletes to form competent professional baseball club. City provides fantastic new stadium, clean uniforms, rich history. Must provide own gloves, shoes, be able to hit above .220. Call 'City of Detroit.'
ROOMMATE WANTED: 18-year old SBM looking to share two-bedroom apartment in greater Cleveland area starting late June. Space has extra-wide doorways to accommodate rapidly expanding head and sufficient closet space to house 5,000 pairs of Nikes. Applicant must be clean, drug-free and like Mom's home cooking. Call 216-420-BRON. Ask for the King.
SUBLET/TEMP ROOM WANTED: Month-to-month acceptable. Contact Rickey Henderson, Newark, NJ.
OBITUARIES: East, Big. May 13, 2003, 24 years of age, beloved mother of Patrick Ewing, Pearl Washington, and Chris Mullin; survived by ACC, SEC, Big Ten, and Pac-10. Friends and relatives are invited to a viewing at the Greensboro Coliseum March 11-14, 2004. In lieu of flowers, please send boxes of tissues (with aloe preferably) to Mike Tranghese, 222 Richmond Street, Suite 110, Providence, RI 02903.