Tiger balm
By Ira Fritz
Special to Page 2

They delighted their fans with a season that had them right in the thick of things all the way up 'til April 12. They found a truly unforgettable way to send broadcasting legend Ernie Harwell off into retirement ... this time, undoubtedly for good.

Mike Maroth
Here's to a fumbled season.
As yet another memorable season comes to a close for the Detroit Tigers, the team owes it to its hometown to find a few new, creative, and appropriate ways to give something back -- you know, a bunch of special promotional events during the last handful of home games at Comerica Park to let the people of Detroit know that they're the best darn fans in the land.

So as one more Tigers-less postseason draws near, here are a few ideas that simply say, "Thank you, Detroit! We couldn't have lost well over 110 games without you!"

Tee Ball Night
Reaching out to the community, especially children, has always been a cornerstone of the Tigers organization. So before their regularly-scheduled game, the Tigers will square off against the Oak Park Little League's six-and-seven-year-old Pee Wee Division for a three-inning tee ball match-up.

To make things fair, the Tigers will get a five-run handicap. And they have a chance to keep this one close, because 20-plus-game loser Mike Maroth can't pitch in tee ball.

Third Base Is Yours Night
One lucky fan will be picked randomly right before game time to start at third base for the Tigers. If the fan manages to find a way to get on base during the course of the game, he or she will be signed by the club to start at third for the Tigers next season.

Back in April, the Tigers got off to a 1-10 start. Page 2 quickly jumped on the Tigers' bandwagon as Jeff Merron produced a list of the worst pro teams of all time. Our thinking? We may soon have a new #1!

Fantasy Camp Giveaway Sweepstakes
The winner gets to spend three days at a baseball camp with players from any Major League Baseball team except the Tigers.

Have A Slurpee with Denny McLain Night
The first 100 fans through the gates will get to visit ex-Tigers great Denny McLain at his current place of employment, a Detroit-area 7-11 store. As part of a work-release program, Denny is finishing up his latest prison term at a halfway house and was lucky enough to land this plum job in the process. Winners will enjoy unlimited free slurpees with the fallen Tigers hero (while supplies last) as they discuss baseball, embezzlement, money-laundering, mail fraud and conspiracy.

Alan Trammel Ulcer Night
All fans in attendance will receive an autographed picture of the ulcer the Tigers manager has developed during the season. In addition, everyone who comes down to beautiful Comerica Park on this special night will receive an advance copy of his new book, titled, "If Lou Whitaker Really Loved Me, He'd Shoot Me."

Throw-Back Night
During the seventh-inning stretch, members of the Tigers will come up into the stands and shake hands with the fans. Fans will then have the opportunity to throw the players back onto the field.

'80s Night
After the game, fans 12-and-older will have the opportunity to climb ex-Tiger great Cecil Fielder. Professional mountain-climbing equipment and a three-day ration of food and water will be provided for all participants. Search parties will be sent out for the missing after the first 72 hours, but climbers will be asked to sign a waiver protecting the club in the event they can't be found and rescued. Those who succeed in scaling Mt. Cecil will receive an "I Climbed Cecil Fielder And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" T-shirt.

Fan Appreciation Day
The team will simply not show up for the game.


Ira Fritz Archive

The List: Worst Pro Teams of All-time

The List: Worst NFL teams of all time

The List: Worst college football teams of all time

The List: City sports, the worst of times

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