Ms. Jennifer Lopez and Mr. Ben Affleck
Request the honor of your presence
At their wedding
On Saturday, you know when
At the agreed upon time
At you know where
Reception immediately following the ceremony
at that place we told you about on the phone.
(This message will self-destruct in 30 seconds or at the first mention of "Gigli," whichever comes first)
The wedding of the century is still on! Some would say we've sunk lower than the low, but we prefer to think we've scooped the scoopers. After careful research involving several trash bins, two maids and the kid responsible for the Blaster email virus, Page 2 has uncovered a cyber trail suggesting Wednesday's wedding postponement was nothing more than a remarkable ruse.
We intercepted the following email:
|The secret password at the chapel is "Gigli."|
Subject: Wedding postponement
matt -- you won't believe what's going on over here, bro. operation marriage overlord is a complete success. the press has been on us wicked bad about this weekend, but we're using them worse than puffy uses samples.
you should see these reporters clearing out of the hotels here in santa barbara -- you think "hard copy" or "access hollywood" is going to shell out for hotel rooms after hearing the wedding was postponed? hell, even ryan seacrest had to bolt with the rates they're charging here. but everyone is totally buying it. you should have heard J sobbing on the phone with the people she knew would squeal. and people say she doesn't have any range as an actress.
Subject: Wedding postponement
So it was all a feint? -- matt
Subject: Wedding postponement
completely. it's all part of the promotional package for "Jersey Girl" ... i thought you knew about it? the plan was we'd come out with this horrendously bad movie right before the engagement heated up -- think about it, how many romantic comedies got as much attention as "gigli"? then we catch everyone off guard with this secret wedding after threatening to postpone because of too many media leaks. people will be clamoring for stories about us and then we hit them with "jersey girl." throw all the hobbits you want at the screen, it'll be the biggest opening weekend of the year.
Leave a message at the beep
Our phone tapping also turned up the following voice messages left by the super couple:
To: Gwyneth Paltrow:
|Don't these two look incredibly happy together?|
(Whispered voice) ... Gwynie, this is Ben. I've got to make this quick, Jennifer is in the next room, and you know how she gets when I talk to any of my ex-girlfriends ... or Matt. You've got to ignore the message she left you about the rescheduled wedding. Whatever you do, don't follow her directions. The secluded natural vista off the Jersey Turnpike? It's actually an abandoned mining quarry. And Vinny and Tony? They aren't her cousins. Don't get me wrong, she really is warming up to you. It's just a stressful time for her right now. Anyway, hope to see you this weekend. You've still got that costume mustache from "Shakespeare in Love," right? Thanks for understanding.
To: Bruce Willis:
Bruce, this is Ben and Jennifer. We just wanted to make sure you were up to speed -- ooh, sorry, know you're still a little bitter about Keanu getting that part -- on the decoy postponement? We know you're hard at work on "Die Hard 4" -- or is it "Die Hard 5"? Anyway, don't worry about rescheduling, we know you've got a permit to blow up a small town the following weekend and wouldn't want to throw a wrench in the plans. And don't worry about running into Demi at the reception. We've asked the caterers to be very strict about carding guests under 21, so she'll probably end up with Ashton at the children's table.
To: Jack Nicholson:
Mr. Nicholson, sir, this is Ben Affleck. Loved you in "Anger Management," really thought you got cheated by the Academy on that one. We're thrilled you accepted the invitation to the wedding and hope you will still be attending this weekend. One question we did have was about this bill we got from your agent. We don't want to cause problems for anyone on his staff, but it must have gotten inadvertently included with your R.S.V.P. But how convenient for you that you're making a speaking appearance in Santa Barbara the same weekend! And $50,000. That's quite an appearance fee, congratulations. All right, we can't wait to hear your toast at the reception.
To: Christian Slater:
Hey, it's Ben. Just wanted to make sure the new date for the wedding works for you? Ha, who are we kidding? You haven't been busy since "Broken Arrow" came out in 1996. Speaking of which, have you had a chance to see "Gigli" yet? Say, if you have a few minutes at the reception, maybe we can talk. I'm curious how much you pull in for uncredited cameos. And have you gotten a firm figure from the people at "Celebrity Mole"?
To: Britney Spears:
|Britney already has a wedding dress, and she just might upstage the bride.|
Girl, this is Jennifer. Just wanted to make sure you got the word about the ceremony. By the way Brit, we noticed you're bringing someone named Sam with you. That's terrific, we're both very happy to hear you've found someone who makes you happy. And we want you to know that we're completely supportive of you, and think it's great that you're finding out who you really are. It's just, well, we're giving out diamond pendants to the female guests and Rolex watches for the male guests. So, um, if you could just give us a shout and let us know what to put in Sam's gift box, that would be fantastic.
Oops, sorry, wrong number.
Finally, Page 2 uncovered this review of an advance screening of the wedding:
"I have never been one to cry at weddings. But I was in tears after watching the nuptials between Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, crying for the three hours of my life that I would never get back. Hours in which I could have been watching sunsets, reading great literature or simply poking myself in the eyes with a very sharp stick.
"Billed as the celebrity wedding of the year, this disaster would have better suited to a drive-through chapel in Las Vegas and a spot on Fox's next "When Celebrities Marry." Wedding planner Mandy Roberts -- responsible for such lavishly enjoyable productions as Madonna and Guy Ritchie and such tastefully artsy pieces as Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe -- was dealt an impossible hand. She should have folded. Roberts wisely shied away from a character-driven wedding in the event's early minutes, keeping the protagonists hidden and relying instead on natural scenery. But the stunning vistas provided by Our Lady of Mount Carmel in Montecito could only obscure reality for so long.
|Whether the wedding's in Vegas or Atlantic City, Matt Damon will be there.|
"The trouble began when Lopez and Affleck made their first appearance. If you thought playing a maid in a New York City hotel was a stretch for Lopez, wait until you catch her interpretation of a blushing bride. Dressed in a flowing white sheath gown with Queen Anne neckline by Isaac Mizrahi and trailing a substantial train for, well, obvious reasons, Lopez looked about as happy to be there as Donald Rumsfeld at a United Nations picnic. While watching her tepid performance, one could only wonder if some Roman citizen had experienced similar feelings as that civilization crumbled around them.
"As for Affleck's contributions, it's safe to say high school students everywhere would rejoice if the world at large had as little chemistry as these two stars. Halfway through the ceremony I found myself wondering if there was a director's cut of "Armageddon" where Affleck -- and not Bruce Willis -- remained behind on the asteroid to be blown to pieces by a nuclear bomb.
"Thankfully, the hapless couple opted against writing their own vows, leaving Father Michael O'Riley -- in a heroically valiant supporting performance -- to feed them their lines -- one of the few aspects of the event with which both stars appeared comfortable. And while many fans would argue that the best view of Ms. Lopez always comes as she is departing, the sight of both newlyweds disappearing into the back of a limo was clearly the high point of the event.
"I'm sure the reception was a vast improvement, but I didn't make it that far in the screening. My neighbor had just finished painting his garage, and someone had to watch it dry."
Graham Hays writes "Out of the Box," the inside scoop on yesterday's box scores for ESPN Fantasy Games.