With Kobe Bryant in street clothes to open the regular season, Shaquille O'Neal and the Lakers pummeled the Mavericks for the 26th consecutive time in Los Angeles on Tuesday night -- tonic for a toxic offseason in L.A. But it turns out beating up on Dallas yet again wasn't the only therapy going on in Lakerland.

Even as the Lakers found a way to share the ball -- Gary Payton and Karl Malone combined for 37 points -- the story remains the strained relations between Shaq and Kobe, who spent much of the week leading up to the opener putting the "dis" in dysfunctional. Kobe says the two are "cool" after talking things over before Tuesday's game, but how was peace reached?

	The counseling must be working -- Kobe and Shaq sat next to each other Tuesday night.

Forget the 20-minute bull session the team reportedly had on Tuesday. Page 2 has learned the real story. Fearing a permanent split, Lakers management ordered the two to Couples Counseling in hopes of sparking a reconciliation. Coach Phil Jackson accompanied them.

Our fly on the wall recorded the session.

Therapist: Kobe, good to see you again. Now why don't we start by having you tell me why you think Jerry Buss wanted the three of you to come here today?

Kobe: Because Visa wants a psych clearance before using the two of us in one of those Steinbrenner-Jeter commercials.

Shaquille: Dr. Buss probably feels that before committing to additional seasons at $30 million per, he wants to ensure that I'm mentally prepared to handle the rigors of leading my team to more championships against all the other teams. You know, the ones that aren't my teams.

Phil: Because I'm dating his daughter.

Therapist: On second thought, Phil, maybe you'd like to wait outside? And could you tell my secretary to cancel my afternoon appointments?

All right, before we move on, you should know that everything you say in this room is protected. Do any of you have any questions about privilege?

Kobe: So if I tell you something I said in a lunch conversation with my criminal attorney about evidence that might be presented at a civil trial, and you're subsequently subpoenaed in the civil trial and asked on redirect by my civil attorney to recount this conversation in an attempt to determine my state of mind, that's covered?

Therapist: Umm, I'll have to get back to you on that one. Now, this latest disagreement seems to stem from Shaquille's comments last Friday in Las Vegas that you, Kobe, should look to pass the ball more until your legs get stronger. You didn't feel that was a fair assessment?

Kobe: Well, regardless of how my knee is doing, I don't feel like he should have been talking about it to the media. Did you hear me saying he should lay off the In-N-Out burgers until his toe got stronger last season? It's just typical of him. Nothing I do is ever good enough for him.

Therapist: I'm sensing a lot of hostility here, Kobe. You're lashing out at Shaquille, but are you sure it's really him that you're angry at?

Kobe: Well, I guess I'm a little upset that Fox felt the American public was gullible enough to fall for another Joe Millionaire ... and I'm a little stressed about the declining value of the yen. But no, I'm pretty sure it's mostly this fat-ass who couldn't hit a free throw to save his life.

Therapist: And Shaquille, what's behind all this negative energy you're directing towards Kobe?

Shaquille: I'm just upset that he's not ready to play, with everything on the line this season. It takes two to make a relationship work, and I don't feel like he's putting in much effort anymore. The magic is just gone. Even when he's throwing me alley-oops, I can see in his eyes that he's thinking about what it would be like to throw them to Tim Duncan.

Does he even want to make this work? I mean, one of these days, Karl Malone's body is going to wake up, realize it's on the wrong side of 40 and we'll be looking at David Wells in shorts and a tank-top. We don't have much time.

Therapist: Very good, Shaquille. Let it all out. So it's all about the team? There's nothing more to it than that? This has nothing to do with him showing more dramatic range at his initial press conference than you did in 93 painful minutes of "Kazaam?"

Shaq: Huh?

Therapist: Ah, never mind. I was projecting. I apologize.

Let's try a word association exercise. Just give me the first word or phrase that comes to mind when you hear the following words: charity.

Shaq: Hack-a-Shaq.

Kobe: Community service.

	Maybe if Phil Jackson stopped yelling at them and showed them some love, things would be better.

Therapist: Leadership.

Kobe: Scoring title.

Shaq: Speak loudly and pay someone to carry a big stick.

Therapist: Zen.

Shaq: Big Aristotle.

Kobe: Iron Chef.

Therapist: Backdoor screen.

Shaq: Alley-oop.

Kobe: Can I confer with my lawyers on this one?

Therapist: OK, that was good, but there are still some trust issues here. I feel like you're both holding back what's really on your mind. Shaquille, let's start with you. What do you want Kobe to know?

Shaq: Well, I'm ... I'm a little scared of rejection. We've spent all this time together, and I feel like you're just going to pick up and opt out at the end of the season. So I guess it's easier for me to push you away with hostility.

When I say, "I don't care about (expletive) else he does, and I know he don't care (expletive) else I do," what I'm really trying to say is, "I love you, man. Please don't leave me."

Therapist: And Kobe?

Kobe: I've always felt like I was playing in your shadow -- and not just when I'm coming off a screen. You're just larger than life. I mean the movies, the recording deals, the college degree from LSU ... Phil always gave you the more difficult books. You're a renaissance man. When I called you fat, childlike, selfish, jealous ...

Therapist: Don't forget the part about him being a wuss with the toe injury.

Kobe: Right, that too. Well, when I said all those things, I really just wanted your attention.

Therapist: Good, I think we've hit on the root of the problem. It's clear you both share an unconscious hatred of an authority figure who manipulates you and never shows you any affection despite your efforts to please him.

Kobe: Our parents?

Therapist: Of course not. You think I can bill $2,500 an hour and still get away with blaming a person's parents in this day and age? No, it's clear you both feel unloved and unappreciated by your coach.

Shaq: Wow, I'd never thought about it. But you're right.

Kobe: This explains everything!

Therapist: I think you know what to do, Kobe.

Kobe: Buy Shaquille a ring the size of a doorknob?

Therapist: No, no, I think just a hug will do.