|The Boss at a loss|
By Patrick Hruby
Special to Page 2
For George Steinbrenner, too much is never enough. And no matter how good things are, they can always be better.
How else to explain the New York Yankees owner's recent bellyaching about Derek Jeter? Despite Jeter's typically first-rate performance last season -- batting .297 with 18 homers and 75 RBI -- the Boss took his All-Star shortstop to the media woodshed, questioning his outside interests.
"When I read in the paper that he's out until 3 a.m. in New York City going to a birthday party, I won't lie. That doesn't sit well with me ... I just want him to come up to that level that he can be."
Here at Page 2, we couldn't agree more. We applaud Steinbrenner's uncompromising attitude. In fact, we'd like to see the Boss' logic applied across the board:
Don Larsen's perfect game
Steinbrenner theory: Larsen could have hurt his back when he caught a jubilant Yogi Berra in his arms following the final out. Talk about selfish.
Steinbrenner theory: Didn't win 'em all? Better luck next year.
Maradona's "Hand of God" goal
Steinbrenner theory: Shoulda used both hands. If you're going to cheat, give maximum effort!
Doug Flutie's Hail Mary
Steinbrenner theory: The ball fluttered. Is it so hard to throw a nice, tight spiral?
Conventional wisdom: Jordan captures his sixth NBA title with the Bulls by nailing a sweeping, last-second jump shot over Utah's Bryon Russell.
Steinbrenner theory: A dunk would have been preferable. Jumpers are low-percentage.
Steinbrenner theory: Bolstered the careers of Robert Wuhl and Kevin Costner; as such, indirectly responsible for both "Arli$$" and "The Postman."
Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video
Steinbrenner theory: What's the deal with Jackson's nose? It clearly needs some surgical work.
Steinbrenner theory: Starred in "The Flinstones" and "B.A.P.S." D'oh!
Krispy Kreme Donuts
Steinbrenner theory: Couldn't they be dunked in butterscotch syrup? Now that's some sweet eating.
Steinbrenner theory: Does it talk? Can it fly? Can it be folded into a briefcase? No? Then technology has a way to go.
Conventional wisdom: The world's most famous statue; the classical expression of the ideal male form.
Steinbrenner theory: Needs to pack on about 10-20 pounds of muscle if he plans to go yard with any regularity.
Steinbrenner theory: It doesn't take an Einstein to realize that the equation won't help you balance your checkbook. Or deal with the luxury tax, for that matter.
Steinbrenner theory: Every piece is: a) a top-10 list; b) a list-like series of gags; c) a column in the form of a list. Can't they hire a writer whose command of the language goes beyond outlines? And don't get us started on Wiley's improvisational word jazz. Who the heck is Road Dog, anyway?
Steinbrenner theory: He takes weekends off? What a wuss! He'll never work for me.
Patrick Hruby is a sportswriter for the Washington Times. You can reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org.