|Excuse me, I misspoke ...|
By Patrick Hruby
Special to Page 2
Maim, maybe. Pummel, perhaps. But murder?
No way, Jose.
Sure, Philadelphia pitcher Jose Mesa recently told reporters that he would "kill" Cleveland's Omar Vizquel if his former teammate and one-time friend charged him on the mound. But it's not like Mesa was being literal -- at least, not any more than New York Yankees pitcher David Wells, who backtracked from a claim in his new book that he pitched a perfect game "half-drunk."
"I don't know if that's really what [Mesa] meant when he said that," Vizquel told ESPN.com. "Sometimes we would say in Spanish, 'I'm gonna kill you.' But in the translation, that's not really what we meant."
Added Mesa: "I would never injure anyone."
As it turns out, Mesa and Wells aren't the only fellows who don't always mean what they say. After an exhaustive, Pulitzer-worthy investigation -- five minutes of Google, followed by two days of Kournikova.com -- Page 2 is pleased to present the real meaning behind some other notable verbal gaffes:
What he meant: "Where else can you enjoy world-class public transportation, delicious Middle Eastern cuisine and a kaleidoscope of different lifestyles and viewpoints? I love New York."
What she meant: "I can't stand Nazis. Or their Autobahn. In fact, I won't even drive a German car. No matter how well-engineered they happen to be."
What he meant: "The truth will come out. A few years from now. Long after I've suckered another glory-hungry school into giving me a job. Hey, it worked for Tark."
What he meant: "Tell Yao Ming that 'Kazzam' has been dubbed into Mardarin."
Jimmy the Greek
What he meant: "The Greek is the better prognosticator. And he practices to be the better prognosticator, and he's bred to be the better prognosticator because this goes way back to classical antiquity. The ancient Greeks would breed some blind, Delphic oracle with a magical fortune-teller so they could have a kid who could pick winners. That's where it all started. Take the Giants and the over."
What he meant: "I wish my reality show was already on the air, so I could make even more money from saying patently absurd stuff like this. Did everyone get that down, or do you want me to repeat it?"
What he meant: "I'd be even more surprised if Sampras doesn't win the entire tournament, since he's the greatest player of his era, and I'm, well, Greg Rusedski."
What he meant: "I'll be a Razorback till the day I die. Whooo, Pig Sooey!"
What he meant: "The real killers loved Nicole. Very much."
What he meant: "So we shared a cigar. What's the big deal?"
What he meant: "Except for the faux-military wardrobe, the baby-dangling, the sleepovers, the Peter Pan complex, the nose jobs, the chimp and the opinion that disc two of "HIStory" is actually worth listening to, I'm just like other guys."
Patrick Hruby is a sportswriter for the Washington Times. You can reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org.