Goodbye, Mr. Crumbs
By Patrick Hruby
Special to Page 2

Jerry Krause is out.

Citing health problems, the Chicago Bulls general manager unexpectedly resigned Monday, leaving a stubby, hyper-secretive vacuum in his wake. How did those involved with his title-winning, dynasty-dismantling tenure take the news? A peek into Krause's Inbox reveals the truth:

    Subject: Resignation Ceremony


    How many times can I say it? It pains me to lose an employee like you. Your contributions to the Bulls will always be remembered. In fact, I want to do something to honor your legacy. Something big. I'm thinking of a downtown ticker-tape parade. Maybe a speech, too. You know -- like when we won those six titles. But this time, just for you. The fans deserve as much. What do you think?

    -- Chm. Reinsdorf

    Subject: Bowing out


    Turns out you were right: Organizations really do win championships! Just not yours ... or mine, for that matter! Thinking back, I wish we had pulled the trigger on that Kwame-for-Elton deal. Why did you hang on to Jamal Crawford just to pick Jay Williams, anyway? And why did you make me play with guys like Stacey King? I know I'm the greatest player ever, but still -- Will Perdue? Did I look like I was wearing a cape or something? Look, do me a favor and have the mini-fridge taken out of your office, OK? I'm not a big fan of eating at my desk, and frankly, I don't even want to know what's been in there.

    -- MJ

    Subject: Gettin' paid?

    Heard the big news. What kind of severance package are you getting? Bet it's not as good as what I've made since I left the Bulls. (Paul Allen is like a walking ATM!) You shoulda paid me when you had the chance, -- Scottie

    Subject: My undying gratitude

    Thanks for making me look downright competent over the last few years. Not that Sterling really cares one way or the other.

    -- Elgin

    P.S. -- Scott Layden feels the same way

    Subject: Resignation Honors


    What about your very own bobblehead doll? They're all the rage these days. We could give them away the next time the Lakers come to town, just to rub it in on Phil. Besides, we'll be sure to have a full house that way.

    I can see those bouncy jowls already!

    -- Chm. Reinsdorf

    Subject: For the last time ...

    Listen, I'm willing to admit it: You saw something in Jud Buechler that no one else did. Not even Jerry West. That doesn't make you a better GM. Comprende?

    -- Phil

    From: Levingston, Cliff
    Subject: Good Luck!

    Heard the sad news. Hope you find happiness. I'll never forget everything you've done for me. Just think: I've got a ring and Barkley doesn't! Well, gotta run -- I think that's the FBI knocking at the door.

    All my best,

    Subject: Respect the temple


    Smart move stepping down. Take it from me: There's nothing more important than taking care of your body.

    -- Dennis

    Subject: Got bait?

    The rods are packed. So is the cooler. Ready to catch some big ones? (Like old times, before you saddled me with the likes of Fred Hoiberg and Trenton Hassell.)

    -- Tim

    Subject: Resignation Solution


    I've got it! Forget the parade and the bobbleheads. How 'bout we put a giant bronze statue of you outside the United Center? Right next to the statue of you-know-who? I think this could work -- you know, give the fans someone to blame, even if that someone isn't around anymore.

    -- Chm. Reinsdorf

Patrick Hruby is a sportswriter for the Washington Times. You can reach him at


Smith: Champ or chump?

Hruby: The first lady of Augusta

Hruby: Dog-gone cheaters!

Hruby: Now, this is tough ...

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