No matter how good the golf or the golfers on its Tour, the LPGA can't seem to get much attention in the crowded and competitive sports landscape. Page 2 discovered that LPGA commissioner Ty Votaw, at least, isn't short of ideas on how to improve the circuit's exposure.
To: LPGA Players
From: Ty Votaw, LPGA Commissioner
Re: Sexing Up Women's Golf
In an effort to rescue the LPGA from relative obscurity, I have developed a five-year marketing plan geared to increase awareness, interest and revenues. To accomplish these goals, I feel that it's incumbent upon us, and by "us" I mean you, to pander to the carnal, adolescent fantasies of the highly coveted 18- to 34-year-old male demographic. In short -- with apologies to Color Me Badd -- I wanna sex you up! So, in addition to changing our acronym to LPGT&A, I have outlined the proposed ideas for your review.
- By definition, the winning player is the one who shoots the lowest score AND accumulates the most beads.
- The time allotted to search for a lost ball will be increased from 5 to 10 minutes. However, there is a caveat: You must wait until the camera is on you before bending over.
- Every foursome must include a blonde, brunette, redhead, and Brooke Burke.
- Any player who misses the cut will be forced to be SuperGlued to John Daly.
- "Walking" between shots eliminated in favor of "shimmying."
- After successfully reading a difficult break on your behalf, you must allow your caddie to pat you on the butt while he/she repeatedly chants, "Who's Your Caddie? ?Who's Your Caddie?"
- We've already signed a production deal with Cinemax to produce a feature film centering on women's professional golf. The LPGT&A and Cinemax ? After Dark Present: "Emmanuelle at The Jamie Farr Kroger Classic."
- Rehashing hackneyed sports clichés to the media is not enough to stand out in this hyper-verbal world. Please use the following words and phrases during every interview: experimented, Kama Sutra, Lolita, vixen, and bootyliscious.
- Starting next year, Golf Digest will begin publishing its annual "Where The Boy's Aren't" issue.
- To receive some much-needed free publicity, we must increase our philanthropic presence. Posing for PETA's "I'd Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur" campaign is a good place to start.
- We've coaxed Morganna The Kissing Bandit out of retirement and she'll be joining the tour.
- Following in the footsteps of the NHL's glowing hockey puck and the NFL's yellow first down marker, we've developed our own technology to help viewers follow the action: body glitter.
- After strong reaction from our focus groups, the "Futures Tour" will be rechristened "The Barely Legal Tour."
- Annika Sorenstam will hereafter be referred to as Annikarnikova Sorenstam.
- To bolster lackluster ratings, we're introducing "Turn Back The Clock" tournaments, where you will be required to wear Lana Turner sweater vests.
- I'd like you to become golf's answer to the Glamorous Ladies Of Wrestling (GLOW) -- let's call it the Foxy Ladies of Golf (FLOG). Please come up with an original nickname, costume and signature move.
That's all for now. I appreciate your compliance with the aforementioned changes. And remember, ladies, we're selling personalities, not sex. So, it's imperative that your personalities be vivacious, engaging ... and ummm ... perky.
Eric Immerman is a contributing comedy writer to ESPN The Magazine and "The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn." His material has been featured on Laugh.com, and he is the creator and writer of EarDuster.com, a now defunct online newspaper devoted to sports parodies and satire. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org