Hootie and Martha get chatty
By Eric Immerman
Special to Page 2

They say Instant Messaging is the most honest form of communication. The medium is private, mysterious, enigmatic, concealed ... and extremely conducive to dangerously uninhibited conversation.

So, with Augusta National chairman Hootie Johnson and National Council of Women's Organizations chairwoman Martha Burk unable to settle their dispute over female membership at the golf club, Page 2 wonders if the two combatants might be able to quickly find a resolution by using IM.

Perhaps by speaking behind closed (cyber) doors, the two would show sides that would never leave the (chat) room.

Just imagine ...

AOL PEOPLE CHAT, 8:15 p.m.

TitleIX4evr -- Instant Message From: NoChix:

IM for Dummies
If you start reading this column and can't decipher even the first line, use this key to break the IM code.

HT = Hi There
WU? = What's up?
JK = Just Kidding
ROTFL = Rolling On The Floor Laughing
BTW = By The Way
IMHO = In My Humble Opinion
TU = Thank You
DQMOT = Don't Quote Me On That
OIC = Oh, I see
LOL = Laughing Out Loud
omg! = oh my god!
YBS = You'll Be Sorry
brb = be right back
ttyl = talk to you later

TitleIX4evr: HT

NoChix: hey

TitleIX4evr: WU?

NoChix: just watching repeats of "the view" on lifetime. JK :)

TitleIX4evr: ROTFL

NoChix: speaking of rolls -- u sure have been on 1 lately. BTW, nice editorial in the ny times asking tiger 2 boycott the masters. IMHO your shrewdest move yet!

TitleIX4ever: TU, but it wasn't me

NoChix: than who?

TitleIX4evr: i think it wuz vijay singh but DQMOT

NoChix: OIC

TitleIX4evr: so r u ready 2 give in and admit female members?

NoChix: never!

TitleIX4evr: what r u so afraid of? u think women will menstruate all over the green jackets or something?

Hootie Johnson
Hootie Johnson is ROTFL over the NCWO's stance.
NoChix: LOL!

TitleIX4evr: itz not funny. drastic measures must b taken immediately!

NoChix: why, what's the big deal?

TitleIX4evr: affluent white women in georgia r being subjected 2 the horrors of public golf courses!

NoChix: oh no, someone call jesse jackson ASAP. hehe

TitleIX4evr: omg! u r so annoying

NoChix: hey, i'm not the 1 going postal over this issue. I just want 2 go back 2 a time when all augusta national stood 4 wuz deftly manicured greens, beautiful azaleas, and?

TitleIX4evr: racial segregation?

NoChix: i wuz going 2 say a tradition like no other. besides, doesn't the national council of women's organizations have anything better 2 focus on?

TitleIX4evr: like what?

NoChix: i dunno, kelly ripa's new book club selection?

TitleIX4evr: wow u r such a pig. u make lpga commissioner ty votaw look like betty friedan

NoChix: i don't get the reference

TitleIX4evr: never mind. hey, can i ask u a personal question?

Martha Burke
If you don't admit a woman to Augusta, Martha Burk says YBS.
NoChix: Capricorn, baby!

TitleIX4evr: no, do u, um, putt from the ruff?

NoChix: of course not. i use a pitching wedge

TitleIX4evr: what i mean is, r your male-only membership policies a result of u not liking women?

NoChix: r u kidding? u mean u aren't sensing a certain sam & diane vibe between us?

TitleIX4evr: from cheers?

NoChix: yeah. the angry banter masking thinly veiled sexual tension. come on itz palpable!

TitleIX4evr: u r crazy

NoChix: crazy 4 u! send me a pic

TitleIX4evr: no

NoChix: YBS

TitleIX4evr: anyway? what's the harm in admitting 1 woman in 2 the club? 1 woman b 4 the masters and i'll leave u alone

NoChix: sure, today itz 1 woman, but tomorrow itz 10 women, and the next thing u know, you'll want women 2 have their very own professional golf league!

TitleIX4evr: isn't there any room 4 compromise?

NoChix: tell u what, how about i admit men with breasts?

TitleIX4evr: huh?

NoChix: yeah, u know, mickelson, daly? men w/ breasts. consider it a start

TitleIX4evr: brb someone's at the door

NoChix: ok

TitleIX4evr: ttyl--my friends are here to watch "the bachelor"

NoChix: can i come over?

TitleIX4evr: sorry, no johnson's allowed!

Eric Immerman is a contributing comedy writer to ESPN The Magazine and "The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn." His material also has been featured on Laugh.com. He can be reached at eimmerman@hotmail.com


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