|Hootie and Martha get chatty|
By Eric Immerman
Special to Page 2
They say Instant Messaging is the most honest form of communication. The medium is private, mysterious, enigmatic, concealed ... and extremely conducive to dangerously uninhibited conversation.
So, with Augusta National chairman Hootie Johnson and National Council of Women's Organizations chairwoman Martha Burk unable to settle their dispute over female membership at the golf club, Page 2 wonders if the two combatants might be able to quickly find a resolution by using IM.
Perhaps by speaking behind closed (cyber) doors, the two would show sides that would never leave the (chat) room.
Just imagine ...
AOL PEOPLE CHAT, 8:15 p.m.
TitleIX4evr -- Instant Message From: NoChix:
NoChix: just watching repeats of "the view" on lifetime. JK :)
NoChix: speaking of rolls -- u sure have been on 1 lately. BTW, nice editorial in the ny times asking tiger 2 boycott the masters. IMHO your shrewdest move yet!
TitleIX4ever: TU, but it wasn't me
NoChix: than who?
TitleIX4evr: i think it wuz vijay singh but DQMOT
TitleIX4evr: so r u ready 2 give in and admit female members?
TitleIX4evr: what r u so afraid of? u think women will menstruate all over the green jackets or something?
TitleIX4evr: itz not funny. drastic measures must b taken immediately!
NoChix: why, what's the big deal?
TitleIX4evr: affluent white women in georgia r being subjected 2 the horrors of public golf courses!
NoChix: oh no, someone call jesse jackson ASAP. hehe
TitleIX4evr: omg! u r so annoying
NoChix: hey, i'm not the 1 going postal over this issue. I just want 2 go back 2 a time when all augusta national stood 4 wuz deftly manicured greens, beautiful azaleas, and?
TitleIX4evr: racial segregation?
NoChix: i wuz going 2 say a tradition like no other. besides, doesn't the national council of women's organizations have anything better 2 focus on?
TitleIX4evr: like what?
NoChix: i dunno, kelly ripa's new book club selection?
TitleIX4evr: wow u r such a pig. u make lpga commissioner ty votaw look like betty friedan
NoChix: i don't get the reference
TitleIX4evr: never mind. hey, can i ask u a personal question?
TitleIX4evr: no, do u, um, putt from the ruff?
NoChix: of course not. i use a pitching wedge
TitleIX4evr: what i mean is, r your male-only membership policies a result of u not liking women?
NoChix: r u kidding? u mean u aren't sensing a certain sam & diane vibe between us?
TitleIX4evr: from cheers?
NoChix: yeah. the angry banter masking thinly veiled sexual tension. come on itz palpable!
TitleIX4evr: u r crazy
NoChix: crazy 4 u! send me a pic
TitleIX4evr: anyway? what's the harm in admitting 1 woman in 2 the club? 1 woman b 4 the masters and i'll leave u alone
NoChix: sure, today itz 1 woman, but tomorrow itz 10 women, and the next thing u know, you'll want women 2 have their very own professional golf league!
TitleIX4evr: isn't there any room 4 compromise?
NoChix: tell u what, how about i admit men with breasts?
NoChix: yeah, u know, mickelson, daly? men w/ breasts. consider it a start
TitleIX4evr: brb someone's at the door
TitleIX4evr: ttyl--my friends are here to watch "the bachelor"
NoChix: can i come over?
TitleIX4evr: sorry, no johnson's allowed!
Eric Immerman is a contributing comedy writer to ESPN The Magazine and "The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn." His material also has been featured on Laugh.com. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org