|Leaving Las Vegas with big bank|
By Eric Immerman
Special to Page 2
News Item: According to the Las Vegas Sun, Jennifer Lopez placed a six-figure wager on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to win the Super Bowl at the MGM Grand -- and won.
Citing numerous sources, the newspaper reported that Lopez put $250,000 down on Tampa Bay and took the money line at plus-160. That means she won $400,000 -- and also got her original investment back.
[The following conversation between BEN AFFLECK and JENNIFER LOPEZ took place in the early afternoon hours of Super Bowl Sunday inside the MGM Grand Casino.]
BEN: Last night was awesome. My very first nightclub melee and a spectacular performance by world-famous illusionists Siegfried & Roy. Did you enjoy the show, baby?
J-LO: Yeah, honey. It was just like watching you and Matt together.
BEN: Me and Matty D? Come on, that's ludicrous.
J-LO: You see Ludacris? Where's he at? Brother promised me he'd rap on my new album to help enhance my street cred.
BEN: You know, when you say things like "street cred," I have no idea what you're talking about, right? Anyway, we've got a few hours before the Super Bowl kicks off, so what do you say we hit the blackjack tables and spend some of that "Forces of Nature" money?
J-LO: All right, but we better not lose all our dough. My love don't cost a thing, but that all-you-can-eat-buffet costs $5.95 per person.
BEN: OK. So have you ever gambled before?
J-LO: Well, let's see. Once I wagered $8 and ended up losing three precious hours of my life to "Pearl Harbor."
BEN: Yeah, "Anaconda" was a cinematic opus. Now just remember this golden rule of blackjack: Never hit on anything over 17.
J-LO: Isn't that R. Kelley's golden rule?
[BEN and J-LO begin to approach the blackjack table, but J-LO suddenly pulls BEN away when she realizes that the dealer is CRIS JUDD.]
BEN: Um, forget blackjack, why don't we throw some craps.
J-LO: Sounds good. Guys tossing six-sided die in slow-motion. Scantily-clad cocktail waitresses shimmying about in cleavage-enhancing outfits. Playas sipping on Crystal and Moet around the table. Hell, we throw in a waterfall, a few jet skis, and Ja Rule on backup vocals, and we can knock out my next three videos right here in the casino.
BEN: Yeah, maybe another time.
J-LO: Fine, let's just play the slots.
BEN: No, I don't like playing with coins. It's all about the Van Burens.
J-LO: You mean the Benjamins? You're so Caucasian, it's adorable.
BEN: (frustrated) Let's just go to the sports book and bet on the Super Bowl. There are several compelling matchups that should make this an interesting wager.
J-LO: Like what?
BEN: Well, you got the No. 1 offense versus the No. 1 defense, Jon Gruden versus his former team, and Celine Dion versus America's patience.
J-LO: So who's favored?
BEN: Oakland by 4 and ...
J-LO: Well then I think we should go with Tampa Bay. I've always identified with the underdog. You know, Ben, you shouldn't be fooled by the rocks that I got, I used to have a little, now I have ...
BEN: ... a lot. Yeah, I get it, it's catchy. That being said, I'm not sure it's a wise decision to make a football wager based upon your current single. I mean, Oakland has a dynamic offense, and they could easily have Tampa's secondary back-pedaling faster than ...
J-LO: ... your hairline?
BEN: On the other hand, if Tampa's pressure defense can penetrate Oakland's depleted offensive line, Rich Gannon will be eating more grass than Whitney Houston at the Burning Man festival.
J-LO: So what do we do? I haven't been this confused since I heard you were voted People magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive."
BEN: Well, we could make a proposition bet. Like, will Tim Brown have more receptions than the total number of weeks I spent at the Promises rehab facility in Malibu?
J-LO: Ooh, how about this one? The number of picks Brad Johnson throws against the number of times I pick my wedgie during the "Jenny From The Block" video.
BEN: Or even Sebastian Janikowski's rushing yards against the number of males who voluntarily saw "Maid In Manhattan."
J-LO: You know what, I think I'm just going to bet straight up on the Bucs.
BEN: Because you identify with the underdog?
J-LO: No, because I identify with No. 99's ass. (To BET-TAKER behind glass) Sir, I'd like to make a bet on Tampa Bay to win.
BET-TAKER: How much would you like to wager, Ms.?
J-LO: Oh, some serious bling-bling.
BEN: Sweetie, I'm pretty sure you have to specify an actual monetary amount.
J-LO: Well how much cash do you have on you?
BEN: (searches his pockets) None. Remember, I spent $50,000 to have the doorway to the suite widened in order to accommodate your ample booty.
J-LO: Oh, well. I guess I'll have to use the $250,000 in per diem I'm getting for "Jersey Girl."
BEN: And don't worry. If you lose, I'll just take the money out of the budget for the next "Project Greenlight" movie. It'll just have to suck for $250,000 less.
Eric Immerman is a contributing comedy writer to ESPN The Magazine and "The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn." His material also has been featured on Laugh.com. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org