|It's time for Tourney Request Live!|
By Eric Immerman
Special to Page 2
News item: If the United States goes to war with Iraq and major developments occur during the NCAA Tournament, CBS might pre-empt its men's basketball telecasts. If that happens, CBS president Sean McManus said the network likely would shift the games to TNN or MTV, both of which are owned by Viacom, as is CBS.
While Viacom appears to be leaning toward TNN, Page 2 could only imagine the possibilities if the Big Dance ended up on MTV.
We take you now to the set of "TRL," which has assumed the role of defacto broadcast center for the tourney, with Carson Daly anchoring the coverage alongside some of the music industry's biggest names.
Eminem: Yo, Carson, whassup? I thought the road to The Big Easy led to Christina Aguilera's house. Ain't that right, cuz?
Carson: Um, I don't know, let me check Mapquest and get back to you on that. Now, the 65-team field for this year's tournament was just unveiled. Snoop Dogg, what are your thoughts on the top four seeds?
Snoop Dogg: The top four seeds? Northern Lights, fo shizel. I'm definitely feelin' some California Orange right about now. White Widow is freaky deaky. And I got to give big ups to Dutch Argon.
Carson: I meant the top four seeds in the tournament -- not the top four marijuana seeds you grow. In other words, what schools do you think will make it to the Final Four?
Snoop Dogg: Of the N-C-Double-Izzay? Well, you know Long Beach State will be representin'. City of Compton Community College will be in the hizzo for shizzo. And for the last two, I'll go with the Tulane Green Wave and Electoral College.
Carson: Snoop, I don't want to quibble with you here, but one of those teams isn't eligible, one of them isn't a university at all, and the other two will be lucky to make the NIT.
Eminem: What's the NIT, yo?
Carson: Well, putting it in musical terms, it's like the Latin Grammys of college basketball tournaments.
Carson: OK, let's move on to Justin Timberlake. Now Justin, it's obvious from your Above The Rim Evolution Hoody and Adidas tearaway pants that you have a sound knowledge of the game. So, let me ask you this: Do you think that Gonzaga can make it back to the Sweet 16?
Carson: All right then. Why don't we switch gears for a moment and talk about which conferences are poised to have the best showing this year. The Big 12? The ACC? The SEC?
Fred Durst: I just hope we're all in agreeance that Conference USA and the Patriot League need our support as soon as possible. And remember, "Make Nookie, Not War."
Carson: That's a beautiful sentiment, Fred ...
Fred Durst: Oh, and Britney, why don't you gimme another piece of that pork chop, baby girl.
Carson: Again, very touching, Fred. But what about all the mid-majors, like the MEAC, and the MAAC, and the WAC? Did the selection committee overlook them?
Jay-Z: Most definitely, most definitely. MEAC deserves much respect. Him and DMX laid down some phat tracks on my last record. And MC WAC was totally dope on that Christmas collaboration with Ashanti.
Carson: (frustrated): You know, why don't we take some questions from the audience. (Pointing to a teenage boy) Go ahead.
Audience Member No. 1: Yeah, I was just curious if any of your alma maters were playing in the tournament?
Audience Member No. 2: Um, I wanted to know who on the panel is the best basketball player?
Mark McGrath (frontman for Sugar Ray): Well, I don't want to brag, but I have some of the illest moves around. I go through defenses like Anna Nicole Smith through a bag of Funyuns.
LL Cool J: Billy Hoyle, please! You're whiter than my deodorized armpits. Ain't no way you're a better baller than me. I got crazy range on my jump shot.
Mark McGrath: LL, the only thing you've drained recently is the scab you got from one of your skanky 'round the way girls.
Carson: Settle down, fellas. OK, just a couple more questions from the audience.
Audience Member No. 3: This is a question for Christina Aguilera. What style of basketball do you most enjoy watching?
Christina Aguilera: Good question. I would say I like my basketball like I like my love life: up-tempo with a lot of three-on-one fastbreaks.
Carson: Hey, offense is great, but what about an absolutely suffocating defense. I mean, there's something to be said for Arkansas famed "40 minutes of hell," right?
Christina Aguilera: Carson, if I wanted 40 minutes of hell, I'd watch the first two segments of "Last Call."
Carson: OK, time for one last question.
Audience Member No. 4: Yeah, I was wondering if P. Diddy had any thoughts on the big RPI controversy?
P. Diddy: All I have to say is R.I.P. Biggie. I ain't got nothing but love for ya.
Carson: Well, that's all the time we have on "TRL" today. Please stay tuned for the series premiere of MTV's "The Real Third World," and see what happens when people stop being polite and start getting scurvy.
Eric Immerman is a contributing comedy writer to ESPN The Magazine and "The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn." His material also has been featured on Laugh.com. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org