|Whoopin' it up in the chat room|
By Eric Immerman
Special to Page 2
For the next three weeks, the airwaves will be dominated by basketball pundits and insiders dissecting, exploring and predicting every facet of the game.
But what about Joe Fan? What are his thoughts on the NCAA Tournament? To find out, I ventured inside a chat room filled with college hoop enthusiasts. What I found was a bit scary.
Big Dance Chat Room, 1:15 p.m. ...
HoopItUp12: wuz up peeps?
killacrossover: hey, what's going on in this room?
Sixthman: I love this time of year. Maintaining tournament sheets provides me with a sense of purpose & accomplishment, if only for three brief, glorious weeks.
playahata44: I hate 2 be a downer, but I think we missed the NAACPs. It was on last week. Bill Bellamy won Outstanding Actor in a Drama Series for "Fastlane."
PtPer: Hey, Lisa32B, rumor has it Bobby Knight is using the offseason to write, "Chicken Soup For The Soul of Jim Livengood, Whom I Recently Decapitated On A Hunting Excursion."
killacrossover: the NCAAs, not the NAACPs, you moron.
Lisa32B: u r so funny, PtPer! I'm just happy Temple didn't make the field of 64. John Chaney always looks like he's coming off a 3-day bender. It's disturbing. Maybe he can get a power nap in b/w now and the start of next season.
playahata44: oh, my bad.
HoopItUp12: Man, I'm already looking forward to the "One Shining Moment" musical montage and retrospective. After all the madness and lunacy of the tournament, it's nice to pause and reflect on the spiritual journey we've all embarked upon together.
PtPer: hey, does anyone know if CBS has a contingency plan for "Becker" in the event war breaks out in Iraq?
Sixthman: Yeah, it's like, for one shining moment, all college bb fans share a common bond, irrespective of conference affiliation or alma mater. That's so deep. Qfjo[fjeahtireh;fjdkl. Sorry, I just spilled bong water on the keyboard.
killacrossover: I dunno, but I might have to declare war on my liver after St. Patrick's Day and 4 consecutive days of college basketball-related binge drinking!
Lisa32B: AMEN 2 THAT!!!!
playahata44: (Conference) USA! (Conference) USA!
PtPer: yo, peace in the middle east bracket, y'all.
Sixthman: speaking of war, we've got a "coalition of the willing to skip work" invading Kilroy's Sports Bar & Grill on Thursday and Friday if anyone wants to join us.
HoopItUp12: My roommate told me that IUPUI is a palindrome. What's a palindrome?
Lisa32B: 45. "Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you." I love Rick Astley!
PtPer: Oh, I went to the Palindrome a couple of weeks ago in L.A. Tara Reid was sooooo wasted.
Lisa32B: any hot guys from the Big South wanna IM me?
Sixthman: dude, the palindrome is in greece, you moron.
killacrossover: hey, anybody out there have a clue what a Saluki is?
HoopItUp12: Sorry, Lisa32B, but I like my relationships like I like my defense --man-to-man. BTW, fellas, I've got a fabulous Tom Penders-style perm if you're interested.
playahata44: Um, I'm pretty sure a Saluki is Red Bull mixed with embalming fluid. Stuff will %$&* you up, man!
PtPer: Everyone's picking either Kentucky or Arizona to win it all, but I think the No. 1 seeds are susceptible to upsets because they have a tendency to get complacent. Any thoughts?
Sixthman: kentucky sux! is saul smith still on the team? he's like the melissa rivers of college basketball.
MachoMan: Hey, No. 1 seeds, to protect against listlessness and boredom, snap into a Slim Jim! Ingrained with highly potent levels of mechanically separated beef, lactic acid started culture, and paprika extractives, Slim Jims can successfully fend off the complacency that comes with being a No. 1 seed. Ooh yeah, brother!!!!
killacrossover: What about this year's Cinderella's? I kinda like Weber State and Xavier.
playahata44: First of all, killacrossover, my Gus Macker tournament team could beat Weber State. Second of all, they have a player named Slobodan Ocokolijic. I believe the rule of thumb is no team with a power forward convicted of war crimes gets to be labeled a Cinderella.
HoopItUp12: Don't mess with the religious schools. I heard Patrick Whearty of Holy Cross once turned water into Gatorade. For real.
Sixthman: Xavier is a trendy Cinderella pick, but their head coach's name is Thad. Wasn't that the name of the male antagonist in every Molly Ringwald movie?
PtPer: Innocent sorority girl by day, high-priced escort by night ... you gotta love Cinderella.
KimBerLy: Hi room. I'm in the process of filling out my office pool brackets. Anyone have any good tips?
Lisa32B: If you think Gene Keady should just accept his baldness, press 15.
killacrossover: OK, here's a tip, when filling out your brackets, make sure to go from midwest to east to south to west in order to reduce the risk of chi imbalance.
Sixthman: Never pick a school with two compass directions and the word State in it to make it past the Sweet 16.
HoopItUp12: 15151515151515151515151515151515151515151515 for the love of God!!!!
PtPer: (To the tune of the Willy Wonka song) Oompa Loompa Doompa De Do ... Kansas is gonna choke like they always do.
Lisa32B: You know the old sports cliché, "there's no 'I' in team"? Well, there are exactly 8 I's in Illinois Fighting Illini. AND their coach is named Bill Self, as in Self-ish. They're out the first round for sure.
Sixthman: "Hoop Dreams"?
PtPer: "The Basketball Diaries"?
HoopItUp12: "White Men Can't Jump"?
killacrossover: No, man, "Teen Wolf." It contains some of the most impressive above-the-rim footage ever caught on film, along with the most difficult decision ever thrust upon a basketball player: should Michael J. Fox play the championship game as the dominating werewolf, thus ensuring his team's victory? Or should he play as everyman Scott Howard, jeopardizing the title, but going a long way in exorcizing his inner demons? I get the chills just thinking about it.
Lisa32B: Who would you rather have, the hot blonde or his best friend, Boof?
killacrossover: R U kidding? Definitely Boof!
Eric Immerman is a contributing comedy writer to ESPN The Magazine and "The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn." His material also has been featured on Laugh.com. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org