At the movies
By Eric Immerman
Special to Page 2

Summer is almost here, and that means it's time for Hollywood to unveil its new batch of blockbuster popcorn flicks. Page 2's celluloid aficionado Eric Immerman provides you with plot summaries and previews for some of the most highly anticipated new films, along with a look at a few movies recently released on DVD.

Coming Soon to a Theater Near You:

The Hulk
Um, I thought this was just a protein shake.
"The Hulk"
Terry Hogan, a personal trainer/day trader, is accidentally exposed to high quantities of creatine monohydrate (or "lunch," as it's commonly referred to at Gold's Gym), after which he experiences several painful, unwanted side-effects, such as the uncontrollable urge to shave off all his body hair, don gaudy spandex shorts and ribbed T-shirts three sizes too small, and inexplicably douse himself with cologne prior to working out. Whenever someone fails to wipe off the incline bench with a towel or put the 25-pound dumbbells back on the rack, Terry gets angry and transforms into the tanned, oily Hulk. The movie follows Terry's flight from "Leapin'" Lenny Poffo, who wants to harness his power and read him a poem.

"Finding Nemo"
Pixar Animation Studios presents this charming and emotionally gripping tale of a New York Yankees scout and his frantic search to be the first to find and sign Nemo -- a highly coveted Japanese embryo. Revolutionary computer-animated technology takes you inside the uterus, where Nemo signs his major league contract, contingent upon the future fetus' successful passing through the birth canal. While he has been dreaming of this day since the first trimester, Nemo must overcome his feelings of doubt and uncertainty. He has the weight of the world on his shoulders ... and he hasn't even developed shoulders yet!

"Bad Boys 2"
The long-awaited sequel stars Mike Price and Larry Eustachy as Miami police officers on medical leave (for cirrhosis of the liver) who are summoned back to work to investigate a round of Irish car bombs that exploded inside four patrons at a South Beach club. The car bomb blasts -- ignited by dropping a potent shot of Jameson's Irish whiskey and Bailey's into a pint of Guinness -- left three of the patrons "hammered" and one "seriously buzzed." Now, the safety and fate of Miami's club scene is in the hands of Price and Eustachy ... but they've had so much Goldschlager, they're vomiting 24 karat flakes. Fortunately, they have Destiny on their side ... along with Dakota, Gemini and the rest of the girls from Bare Necessity. "Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for your brew."

"Terminator 3"
From the hilariously demented minds of the Farrelly brothers comes this dark comedy about three perpetual bachelors (Evander Holyfield, Shawn Kemp, Steve Garvey) with a penchant for engaging in casual affairs that typically culminate in unwanted pregnancies. Looking to shun responsibility while simultaneously turning a profit, the "three terminators" set out to invent and patent "Morning-After Trix," a safe, effective and delicious form of emergency contraception that will terminate unwanted pregnancies if digested within 24 hours following intercourse. (Morning-After Trix contains an assortment of sweetened corn puff flavors, including "Prevent Fertilization Purple" and "Break Down Uterine Lining Berry.")

"Johnny English"
From the director of the inspirational film "Dead Poets Society" comes this equally poignant saga about Johnny Parker (Don King), a famous orator diagnosed with a rare linguistics disease that restricts his usage of syllables added at the end of words to "tion." Johnny demonstrates an unhealthy preoccupation with words ending in "tion," virtually abandoning the usage of such popular suffixes as "ing," "ed," and "ous." The debilitating disorder threatens his livelihood and leaves him feeling like a victim of persecution, dehumanization and humiliation. All hope seems lost until Johnny is introduced to famed speech pathologist and English professor, Rickey Henderson. (Note: All dialogue appears in subtitles for your convenience)

"2 Fast 2 Furious"
A searing documentary from Vivid Video chronicling Ron Jeremy's harrowing journey from a neophyte "minuteman" to a veteran, dependable "marathon man." Once ridiculed for his "fast and furious" performances, Jeremy eventually develops a gift for delaying the inevitable, powered by his uncanny ability to silently recite all of Elias Sports Bureau's "Book of Baseball Records." A rousing tale of triumph and, um, perseverance.

Available On DVD:

Lynyrd Skynyrd
Free Bird? It would be our pleasure, Dale Jr.
"Sweet Home Alabama"
An epic civil rights period piece featuring Charles Barkley as segregationist governor George Wallace and Dale Earnhardt, Jr. as a Confederate soldier who screams nothing but "Play some Skynard!" for two consecutive hours.

"Phone Booth"
In this riveting, Hitchcockian thriller, Mike Piazza, Emmitt Smith, Terry Bradshaw and ALF are held captive by a sniper inside a New York City phone booth and forced to use 10-10-220 to call everyone in the United States and profusely apologize for subjecting them to their heinous long distance advertising campaign.

"Bloody Sunday"
Dynamic Hollywood duo Joel and Ethan Coen bring us this good-natured coming-of-age story about a single dad (Pat Day) raising a young teenage horse, played by Sunday Silence. When Sunday discovers that her uterus is periodically secreting blood, an unprepared Pat is faced with the daunting challenge of explaining the birds and the bees. Starring former U.S. gymnast Tim Daggett as the voice of Sunday Silence.

Eric Immerman is a contributing comedy writer to ESPN The Magazine and "The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn." His material also has been featured on He can be reached at



Eric Immerman Archive

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Page 2's improved MLB slogans

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