|Inside the Actors Studio with Ben & Jen|
By Eric Immerman
Special to Page 2
Despite dreadful reviews of Gigli and rampant speculation that their relationship is on the rocks, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez recently graced the hallowed Actors Studio Drama School in New York. At the end of the penetrating interview, host James Lipton submitted Ben and Jennifer to the famed Bernard Pivot questionnaire, and wound up with some truly fascinating responses.
Ben: "Serendipity. No, no, Destiny. Actually, it's Chastity. Really, it just depends who's working the Champagne Room that night."
02. What is your least favorite word?
03. What turns you on?
Ben: "Reaching into a gigantic tub of popcorn only to discover that Matty's hand is already there. Well, that and Foreign Distribution Rights."
J-Lo: "You're asking me what turns me on? Hello, isn't that obvious? How about People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive, 1986, Mark Harmon."
04. What turns you off?
Ben: "Waking up after a three-day bender in an abandoned warehouse in Thailand -- torso covered with smoked gouda -- and being told that I've just signed a contract to star with Camryn Manheim in 'Bounce 2: More Bounce To The Ounce.' "
J-Lo: "When Paula Poundstone calls in the middle of the night to see if Ben's available to attend a meeting. And whenever Ben calls life tough without specifically referring to it as Hard Knock."
05. What sound or noise do you love?
Ben: "Latin Explosion."
J-Lo: "Jay-Z rockin' the glockenspiel."
06. What sound or noise do you hate?
Ben: "The sound of J-Lo flossin'. Oh, um, never mind. I don't think flossin' means what I think it means."
J-Lo: "The sound of U.S. Servicemen in Iraq demanding refunds following free screenings of Gigli."
07. What is your favorite curse word?
J-Lo: "When I get really, really upset, I'll call someone a Thin-Ass."
08. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Ben: "I'd like to try being the person in the picture that comes with the wallet. I think I could totally nail that."
J-Lo: "I'm already an accomplished singer, dancer, actress, restauranteur, and clothing designer. I think all that's left is Sandwich Artist at Subway. Or perhaps Queen of the Damned."
09. What profession would you not like to participate in?
Ben: "I wouldn't want to be a mime. Too many facial expressions required."
J-Lo: "Maid in Manhattan. Sorry, sorry. Bruce Vilanche wrote that for me."
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
Ben: "As promised, your 72 virgins for a life dedicated to making the American people suffer."
J-Lo: "My homeboys -- Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob -- tried to warn me, but with that butt you got from my ethereal creation, me so horny."
Eric Immerman is a contributing comedy writer to ESPN The Magazine and "The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn." His material also has been featured on Laugh.com. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org