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Best bids for Jones

Page 2 staff

Everyone's talking about Jerry Jones these days.

Whether it's about his cosmetic surgery, his quick decision to cut quarterback Tony Banks or how bad his Cowboys might be in 2001, Jones is a hot topic -- and not much of the news is good.

Jerry JonesBut cheer up, Jerry. One of our readers put your servives up for bid last week in Page 2's Meat Market, and the bids came pouring in. Check out the best bids for Jones or click here to submit an ad for this week's Meat Market.

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    COWBOYS FAN seeks owner and GM. Must be willing to be a team player and put the team before your personal financial welfare. Must have respect for subordinates and have a smart business ethic. No salary cap hits please. A clean criminal record is recommended.

VIKINGS FAN willing to give up entire defense and franchise's glorious history (four Super Bowl losses) for just one of Jerry Jones' Super Bowl rings. Also willing to accept credit for Dallas' Super Bowls (see Herschel Walker trade) as throw-in to the deal.
METS FAN looking for a two-for-one swap of owners. Can't-miss trade has potential for both teams, as any owner looking to get the underachieving Mets into a ridiculous state-of-the art facility out of the hellhole called Shea is better than two fighting over control of it. Tired of a super ego, Cowboys fans? Take Doubleday and Wilpon, they'll fight over each other so much they won't have time to coach the team.
BENGALS FAN will trade Mike Brown, a new stadium, with his family name on it (paid for by the taxpayers of Cincy) and two (slightly used) QBs for Jerry Jones.
I WILL GIVE YOU a semi-trained monkey (almost house-broken), a jar of "Jimmy Johnson's All-Pro Heavy-Duty Hair Gel," a 12-pack of Lone Star beer, and a $500 suit in exchange for Jerry Jones. Get the monkey drunk, throw some gel in his hair, and put him in the suit and you've just upgraded your owner and GM. You may not make the Super Bowl, but at least you won't be the laughingstock of the NFL anymore.
LIONS FAN will offer all the other owners of every NFL team for Jerry Jones. He may be hands-on and outspoken, but he will shell out the cash to win and that is what I want in an owner. Just look at William Clay Ford and how his laid-back attitude and wallet of cobwebs has paid off for Detroit! J.J may be egotistical, but how many Super Bowl Rings is he wearing? I'll take Jerry Jones any day!

LIONS FAN will give up one dated but heavily used Lions' playbook, including excerpts from "Top 10 Plays to Get Your Hall of Fame Running Back Crushed into Submission, Favorite Routes for Receivers Destined to Never Receive the Ball, and Complete Workings of the Dreaded Ozone/NoZone/OhNoZone Defensive Schemes." And to prove I'm serious about this, for a limited time, I'll throw in the $1.43 I just found in my couch.
REDSKINS FAN willing to trade a big-mouthed, big-egoed, little pipsqueak of an owner who would rather try to buy a championship by overbidding on big-mouthed, big-egoed players who are washed up. I'd take Jerry Jones over Daniel Snyder any day of the week! Kick the runt out of town and give us Jerry!
RAIDERS FAN willing to trade the evil Al Davis and all his satanic ways for Jones, who isn't much better but at least he doesn't practice witchcraft to produce all his Super Bowl trophies.
COWBOYS FAN will trade experienced owner/GM/self-proclaimed football genius for any owner not named Daniel Snyder. Or for any fantasy football owner, who thinks they could run one of the NFL's most glorious franchises better than the present ownership. Will also throw in any starter not wearing No. 22. Just think how great Quincy Carter would look in your team's uniform.
BOSTON BRUINS FAN interested in trading "Tight Wad Jacobs" (Jeremy Jacobs) to Dallas for Jerry Jones. ... Jacobs will like the money he saves not having to change the monogram on the office towels, and Dallas fans will like being run by an owner who only cares about the bottom line (right?).

EAGLES FAN willing to give up ANYTHING for just one day of Jerry Jones alone with the rabid mob of Philadelphians at the Vet. Remember Santa, The Easter Bunny, Micheal Irvin or Destiny's Child. That was mere child's play compared to what we want to do with you Jerry. A day in January after a snow storm is preferable.
GIANTS FAN willing to trade pretty-boy cornerback who can't do anything unless his wife says he can and cash (about $5) for an owner that will give us one title, then shut up.
REDSKINS FAN will trade an end-zone goalpost (our kickers can't find it anyway) and a bucket of rocks to Dallas for the Cowboy Cheerleaders and Jerry Jones. Accepter of the bid must realize we don't plan to use Jerry in any executive capacity, but as part of the halftime show where we march Jones up and down the field, half-naked, while angry 'Skins fans throw things on him such as mustard, ketchup, your occcasional battery or beer, and perhaps even Heath Shuler.
LET'S SEE WHAT HE'S WORTH. For his phenomenal ability to handle a draft and use his picks wisely and his ability to evaluate talent at a level that is matched by no one, I offer an Al Davis autographed 8x10, an overpriced $5 dollar Pepsi from Texas Stadium, and a "how to prove to everyone you're always right" book.
BROWNS FANS offer Ravens owner Art Modell. Sure, he's not actually our owner to trade, but it would just feel great to send Modell off to a brutal team. Oh, and he doesn't get to keep his Super Bowl trophy, plus Modell must be required to watch every snap that Quincy Carter takes as Cowboys QB.

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