From the Page 2 mailbag
Something's up with Jack Nicholson and New Jersey Nets coach Byron Scott.
"Damn Byron, speaking of 'The Shining', I need my shades if I'm going to watch the game behind your glossy dome."
If it's one thing I've learned from movies...don't ever turn around.
"This town needs an enema!"
Jack: "You want answers?"
Jack: "You can't handle the truth! Son, we have a sport that needs ratings. And those ratings have to be procured by men with money. Who's gonna do it? You? Rick Adelman? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Doug Christie and you curse David Stern. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that the money I paid to Dick Bavetta and others, while tragic, was the reason that NBC got their game seven.
And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, got ratings. You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me buying fouls. You need me buying fouls. You use words like Love IT Live and It's FANtastic. You use these words as the backbone to your arrogant, delusional existence.
I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the dramatic game 7 basketball I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you take your Eastern Conference Title and turn around. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!"
Byron: "Did you buy 27 free throws?"
"See, Mr. Nicholson, if you start shaving your head now you can about the embarrassing receding hairline."
"Yeah man, Beantown does it to me too."
Mysteriously, Byron found the jumble, "peewS srekaL, peewS srekaL, peewS srekaL," written on the mirror of the visitors' locker room.
"Come on, Byron! Lets show these Laker Girls how to make a real pyramid!"
"Ohh magic 8-Ball, will I ever make another good movie."
Jack Nicholson and Byron Scott reprise the roles made famous by Al Pacino and Keanu Reeves in, "The Devil's Advocate 2: How Else Could the Nets Make the Finals?"
"Uh Jack... is that uhhh an Oscar in your pocket? Or..."
Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?
"Hey Byron, have you ever danced with the champs in the hot spot light? Didn't think so."
"Yeah, your goatee is pretty cool Jack, but it takes a real man to grow a porn 'stache."
"Hey Phil, I know you're the Zen Master, but it looks like the Nets have their own Buddha!"
"You are strong with the Force, young Skywalker, but you are not a Jedi yet."
"Not this time Jack, no wedgie for you, I've gone commando for Game Two."
And here is the real caption from The Associated Press: New Jersey Nets coach Byron Scott watches the action as actor Jack Nicholson peers over him during their game against the Los Angeles Lakers in Game 1 of the NBA Finals on June 5 in Los Angeles. (AP Photo/Michael Conroy)