Ten signs your pitcher is drunk
By Tom Ruprecht
Special to Page 2

After David Wells pulled the wool over the eyes of the New York Yankees' top brass by getting away with pitching his perfect game while admittedly "half-drunk," major league teams are desperate for a guide that can tell them when their pitcher is drunk. As always, Page 2 lives to serve:

The 10 obvious signs your pitcher is drunk
1. He just intentionally walked three guys to pitch to Bonds.

David Wells
"Yaawn. Geez, my breath could give you a buzz."
2. He's demanding a trade to the Devil Rays

3. The resin bag is filled with margarita salt.

4. Remember Jim Palmer in Jockey shorts? Well, at least he never dressed that way on the mound.

5. He's been in the middle of his windup for 45 minutes.

6. Rickey Henderson is accusing him of being incoherent.

7. He won't shut up about how hot Selig is.

8. You turn on "Cops" and see him being cuffed on the hood of the bullpen car.

9. He just ate the pitching rubber.

10. Can't break 20 on the JUGS gun.

Of course, even if your pitcher exhibits eight or nine of these tell-tale signs, you still might have doubts. So do what we do at Page 2 to test our writers' sobriety: Make him stand on one leg until he can correctly spell "Mientkiewicz."


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