Food for thought
Page 2 staff

You are what you eat.

Mike Tyson
Mike Tyson will point our health-conscious readers in the right direction.
Nobody knows this better than Mike Tyson, who is so much more than the self-proclaimed "baddest man on the planet." Did you know, for example, that the excitable Tyson is also one of this country's most underrated nutritional experts? Neither did Page 2. But when we found this out, we immediately signed up the multi-talented pugilist for a health advice column called "Ask Mike Tyson, dietitian."

Here's the first batch of letters to Iron Mike's mailbag:

Dear Mike:
My husband is giving a dinner next weekend for a very important client. We've already decided on the main dish -- a nice ear of Evander ... rare, of course -- but we're not sure what kind of wine to serve. What do you recommend?
Mrs. Jerry Jones, Dallas

Dear Mrs. Jones:
Red, which, of course, also happens to be the color of blood.
Mike Tyson, dietitian

Calista Flockhart
With Mike's help, anyone can bulk up in a hurry.
Dear Mike:
Everyone says I'm a little thin, and food really doesn't interest me. Is there anything I can do to fill out my figure?
Ally M., Boston

Dear Ally:
When I really wanted to bulk up, I found the most effective method was to isolate myself from society for 3-5 years. Nearly every state in the country offers facilities where you can go away and concentrate on nothing but pumping iron all day long. This method is particularly effective because you won't be distracted by any members of the opposite sex, annoying boxing promoters, divorce attorneys or Mitch "Blood" Green. In fact, you'll only be allowed a few visitors -- and they will come at prearranged times. So, you'll be able to concentrate on your physical appearance nearly 24/7.
Mike Tyson, dietitian

Dear Mike:
I've tried everything I can to lose weight, but nothing seems to help. After my latest attempt of cutting back to three Big Macs a day didn't work, I'm willing to try anything. What is your secret for a flat stomach?
Tony S., Baltimore

Mike Tyson
Tyson would like to get his hands on the guy who said the boxer's favorite movie was "Alive."
Dear Tony:
The most important thing in dieting is to remove the temptations from your daily routine. To try to lose weight any other way would be ludacrisp, just ludacrisp. For instance, if I'm trying to shed some pounds, I try to stay away from other boxers entirely. I just know that if I'm in the same room with Evander Holyfield, I'm more likely to break down and indulge in an ear or two. If Lennox Lewis is nearby, I'll almost certainly find myself gnawing on his leg. And I try to stay away from both sweets and children altogether.
Mike Tyson, dietitian

Dear Mike:
Maybe you could help settle an argument between me and my wife. I say your favorite movie is "Silence of the Lambs." But she says she read somewhere it's "Alive." Which one of us has got you right?
B. Pitt, Los Angeles

Dear Mr. Pitt:
Sadly, you are both wrong. It's "Hannibal," mostly because I just love that scene where Anthony Hopkins eats a tiny piece of Ray Liotta's brain right in front of him. However, I am quite disturbed that people are still writing falsehoods about me. Maybe you can help me out here. Ask your girlfriend where she read that crap about "Alive." I'll find that so-called journalist and eat his liver with fava beans and a nice chianti.
Mike Tyson, dietitian

The dinner scene at the end of "Hannibal" is one of Iron Mike's favorites.
Dear Mr. Tyson:
Because he suffers from high blood pressure and high cholesterol and a family history of heart disease, my roommate has to carefully watch his diet from now on. He's afraid he will have to give up his favorite food -- Lennox Lewis' children. I told him not to be hasty, that the children of boxers are relatively low in cholesterol. Of course, I was just guessing. Was I right?
Nathan Lane, New York

Dear Mr. Lane:
Lucky guess. I've done a lot of field testing on this subject, and as you can see from my firm physique, I would never consider eating anything that was harmful to my health. However, if your roommate is prone to heart disease, he should definitely avoid the children of Buster Douglas, even as an appetizer.
Mike Tyson, dietitian

Dear Michael:
I own a very successful restaurant in New Orleans. One of the ways I keep business hopping is to add, every once in a while, a new and surprising dish to the menu. I've been toying with the idea of adding Leg of Lennox to our Sunday brunch menu. Two questions: Is Leg of Lennox an appropriate dish for a lazy Sunday morning? And will my clientele be willing to pay $19.95 for it?
Emeril L., New Orleans

Dear Emeril:
Not to be immodest, but as the world's foremost authority on Leg of Lennox, I'd have to say that the dish, while one of my personal favorites, is a bit chewy for breakfast ... even a late weekend breakfast. Why not put it on your regular weekday dinner menu, serve it with a medley of interesting root vegetables from the highlands of Korea, and charge, you should pardon the expression, an arm and a leg?
Mike Tyson, dietitian

Don King
There's one special dish that Tyson still hopes to sample.
Dear Mike:
It is obvious to me that, as an eating pioneer, you have no peer. Evander Holyfield's ear, Lennox Lewis' leg and children, Michael Spinks' lunch ... you've relished them all. Only in America, praise God. But is there anything you haven't tried that you are just dying for a taste of?
D. King, Las Vegas

Dear D:
Other than Compressed Cold Heart of Boxing Promoter ... well, not really.
Mike Tyson, dietitian

Dear Mike:
How much time does it take for you to get your body in shape for a big fight?
George F., Houston

Dear George:
You'd be surprised how quickly I can get ready. For instance, I'm supposed to fight Lennox in two months, and I haven't even started training yet. I used a similar method for a bout with some guy in Tokyo back in 1988. Everyone sees these movies like "Rocky," and all that running and eating raw eggs and all that crap -- and I bought into that, too, when I was younger. But now that I'm a little older, I realize that all that training can wear a fighter out.
Mike Tyson, dietitian


Sportoon, Jan. 23: Jerry's thoughts

Johnson: Tyson sure is a handful

Being ... Mike Tyson

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