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Sizzlin' & fizzlin' during
NBA's long hot summer

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R-Dub and Road Dog reveal themselves -- or at least their uncensored thoughts -- on the NBA offseason:

Item: The Glove to be dealt to Knicks or Heat!
Road Dog: "Yo! Gimme G.P. to go with Spree, more size up front. That's all we need for the Knicks to Be There. So what if it costs us Allan Houston?"

Gary Payton
The Glove is a stone, cold-blooded coach killer.
R-Dub: "Allan Houston's got a gorgeous j."

Road Dog: "Gorgeous?! Gorgeous?! He's got a gold-bricking, disappearing j, is what he got. I'm trying to win here, Dub-dude. I ain't trying to look good doing it. You and your ess-tet-tics. My grandmama got a good looking j, far as that go. Can she help the Knicks get to the Finals? No. Same difference."

R-Dub: "Lake Show's on, Dog, slated for a long run. I'm a Lake Man."

Road Dog: "Since when? Since they started winning championships?"

R-Dub: "Yep. You got it."

Road Dog: "Yeah, you one of them Manhattan front-runners. Well, I'm true to the hometown squad! I'm Bed-Stuy, do or die."

R-Dub: "It's been die, mostly, here lately."

Road Dog: "That ain't cool, Dub. You needs to chill. Some people go with the chalk, and some people try to figure out how to beat it. Some people sit home by the fire and watch how beautiful somebody's jump shot is, and some people take it to the hole, baby. Allan Houston's as soft as a grape. 'Specially after he's got all that cheese, a Hun Mil? ... Fuhgedaboutit!"

R-Dub: "Can't trade him anyway. Just signed him. Gotta keep him until November. NBA rules. Maybe the Knicks can rook -- uh, convince -- the Sonics to trade GP for first-round draft picks, or some lesser lights. Because I'm telling you now, Dog, if your Knicks don't keep Houston, they can fuhgedabout breaking a Hun, a hundred points, on the clock every night."

Allan Houston
Allan Houston has a gorgeous jump shot, but ...
Road Dog: "Allan Houston. Pss! Coulda flexed against Toronto at the Garden last year in the playoffs, Game 5. Wot hoppened? Nuttin'. Spree, out there all by hisself. Vince Carter got more heart than Allan Houston."

R-Dub: "That's cold. What about G.P., Dog? You act like he's all that."

Road Dog: "G.P shoots layups. G.P go rack-ward. G.P.'s Soul in the Hole."

R-Dub: "Used to be. Now Baron Davis makes G.P. look Old in the Hole. Game changed fast, Dog. It's The Glove that's The Grape now. If you're a Knick fan, you're better off if G.P. goes to Miami. He probably is, too."

Road Dog: "Wit' Pat Riley? Why you tryina hook Riles up, Dub?"

R-Dub: "Dog, who's the leader of the club that's made to kill coach-ee? G-A-R, Y-P-A, Y-T-O-N EEE! G.P. is a stone, cold-blooded coach killer. On second thought, get him in here, then bring me the head of Jeff Van Gundy."

Road Dog: "Oh, you like Charlie Ward over Gary Payton."

R-Dub: "No, but I like Kobe Bryant and Alley I. over Gary Payton. Which is why, even though with all the trades and free-agent signings and franchise moves and magazine speculation and what-not, essentially nothing has changed. Shaq plus Kobe equals rings. Everything works off that."

Item: Chris Webber, other primo free agents, sign with ...?!
Road Dog: "C-Webb be better off re-upping with Sacramento."

R-Dub: "Why?"

Chris Webber
Doesn't really matter where C-Webb goes. Nobody's getting past Shaq next year.
Road Dog: "Keeps him outta Indiana, out the East, outta my hair."

R-Dub: "But Dog, thought you questioned C-Webb's ticker, too."

Road Dog: "If you ain't enough talent to help a squad get to the conference finals, it don't matter what kind of ticker you got. Ticker only matters if you got enough game to stay on the court to begin with. C-Webb's hands worry me. Best hands in My League. Keep him outta the East. Hard enough for my babies as it is.

Now Orlando, they didn't really do nothin' by signing Patrick and Ho Grant, shadow move, but they were gonna be good anyway, with T-Mac, the toughest check back East outside Alley I., hardest to guard, then coming back with Granny Hill, then they got longer with them 7-foot boys, them rookies, Haywood and Hunter, then that Sasser boy they got, he can play D in the backcourt, even though he got no shot. I'm just glad Webber didn't go there. Antonio Davis, too. Glad he went back to Toronto."

R-Dub: "But that means now Toronto, Philly and Orlando are better than your Knicks; if Webber goes to Indiana, and G.P. to Miami, they are, too."

Road Dog: "Hey, Dub."

R-Dub: "Yo."

Road Dog: "You wanna feel the steel, or what? You wanna get capped?"

R-Dub: "Salary-capped? What is it now 43 or 44 mil ...?"

Item: Top NBA draft choices all caught wearing Huggies pull-ups!
R-Dub: "Which draft pick was best, Dog?"

Road Dog: "Well, moves was made. That's all you can say. The Bulls? Did they do good, getting them two big young boys? Can't say yet. They had to get Elton Brand outta there, because he wasn't gonna re-up with them after this year. Now that lean young Tyson Chandler boy, seem to me he kinda on the pretty side, maybe been famous too long already, wit' '60 Minutes' doing stories on him five years ago and all that. That ain't gonna help you rebound in My League.

Jason Richardson
Jason Richardson should be able to help the Warriors immediately.
"That's why the Bulls brought in Oak. To teach them young boys that. Them boys gonna hate to go to practice with Oak around. And I would advise them not to borrow any money from Oak and then not pay it back, or chisel him any kind of way. Oak might kill one of them boys before he teaches 'em anything. Don't know how they'll turn out, that Chandler boy, that Eddy Curry boy. Prove-it-to-me players.

"Best move they made was signing the Eddie Rob boy with the funny-looking j from Charlotte.

"Now the Oakland Warriors -- notice they call 'em 'Golden State,' which is just to keep you from noticing that they play in Oakland, East Oak-town at that. Don't bother me, I got peeps out that way. They got a boy who will help them the quickest, that Jason Richardson boy. Like that boy's game. Quick, but big-time ups. He might be able to stay in front of Kobe, him and that Larry Hughes boy that Alley I. almost ruint.

"Then they got the long old boy from Notre Dame, Murphy, that shooter; in My Zone League, he just might come in handy; they stole that Arenas boy, second round. Might stick. Don't know about his deep shot. You can have all kinds of ticker, good handle, be able to play a little bit of D; but if they find out you can't shoot, then they'll make you shoot; in My League, they find out where you're weak, and then they go there. That's the only place they go on you, in fact.

"So don't work on where you're strong. You'll never get to go to your strength anyway. Work on where you're weak. Because that's what the dudes in My League will be working on. Believe it. So anyway, Oak-town didn't do too bad.

"But M.J. in D.C. probably did best of all, and not just 'cause he took that Kwame Brown boy No. 1. He also signed himself. M.J., he think he slick. He was pulling for Antonio Davis to sign with Orlando. Why? Because then he could tell Vince Carter, after this season, 'See, Vinny? Toronto didn't give you no help. But I got Kwame Brown.' Hear M.J. wants Vince. Bad."

Kwame Brown & Michael Jordan
MJ sees a little bit of himself in high school phenom Kwame Brown.
R-Dub: "So you like the Kwame Brown boy?"

Road Dog: "Love him. Love his attitude. He told M.J., 'If you take me, I won't let you down.' His eyes were saying 'sir' and 'master' all along. And M.J., he likes that kind of loyalty. Plus Kwame Brown kinda reminds M.J. of himself, in his skill base, also in the way he looks -- check out the shape of them two domes, will you? Give Kwame Brown a Quo Vadis, a bald-head cut, he'll look just like Mike.

"It ain't the shoes. It's the ears. The cranium. But also it's the game. Boy got game. Long, 6-11, flexible, got some handle, enough, got a high-post j, quick first step, gets up, grab shots inside, true shot-blocker, calm game. Huge upside. Kwame's On the Real."

Item: Trades, Trades, Trades!
R-Dub: "Why is the NBA like Tobacco Road, Dog?"

Road Dog: "I dunno. But I'm scared you 'bout to tell me."

R-Dub: "Because it got smoked by the Lakers ..."

Road Dog: (silence)

R-Dub: "... because it blew itself up, tore itself down, started itself all over again? Oh, forget it.

"OK, Dogster, which NBA offseason trade did you like?"

Mike Bibby
Mike Bibby is a nice baller, but ...
Road Dog: "Well, first thing is, they ain't done yet, by no means; the best trade is the one that ain't done happened yet, na'mean? But I know what you sayin'. So far, no question, second-best trade was Steph Marbury going from New Jersey to Phoenix for Jase Kidd. Steph got all kinda crazy stupid game. Mr. And One, Ain't No I in Team, but There's an I in I-Smoked-Your-Ass."

R-Dub: "Saw where Steph said this was going to do wonders for his career."

Road Dog: "Yeah, it'll do wonders for him. Now he can visit the Grand Canyon, Hoover Dam, and them Red Rocks over in Sedona. Them's all the wonders Steph'll be doing. Take more'n Marion, Rodney Rogers, good intentions and Steph to stay with the Spurs, Rockets, Blazers, Kings, facing up Stevie Frankie, Cuttino, Bobby Jack, Bibs, all the dudes out West. Ain't no easy road to doing wonders for your career in My League.

"Ask Khalid El-Amin. Boy won the NCAAs at UConn. Now he looking for a job. Found out that in My League, he can't guard hardly nobody. Steph'll get to play at the Stapler against the Lakers more. He'll get to style and profile. And he'll like that. I'm jonesin' on Steph, but I wish the Knicks had him."

R-Dub: "Dog, who were the Knicks gonna give up for Steph? Don't tell me."

Road Dog & R-Dub: (in unison) "Allan Houston."

R-Dub: "OK, Dogster. What about Jason Williams, going to the Memphis Grizzlies, for Mike Bibby, going to the Sacramento Kings?"

Road Dog: "That's a very low-octane deal, right there. That deal won't start a Hyundai. But I ain't like the rest of y'all. Got nothing bad to scream on Jase. Ain't gonna win with no Jase, we all know that, but since the Lakers are out there, you ain't gonna win, noway. Jase got skills. Just crazy.

Shareef Abdur-Rahim
Shareef will Houdini, Abdur some Rahimi down in Atlanta.
"Bibby? Bibs. Eh. Never did get it. His daddy Henry all over again. Can play a Derek Fisher role, if he was on the Lakers, if he had a Kobe-Shaq deal. But there ain't but one deal like that in all the hall of ball. The Lakers turn all the rest of them into bums, in the end. Like, all that college ball fake hype from when Bibby was at 'Zona? Gone. Nice little baller, but ..."

"The key ex-'Zona point guard in My League this year ain't Mike Bibby. It's Jason Terry, in Atlanta. Now he got Shareef, and Mike Bibby don't."

"Shareef to ATL -- that was the move. Shareef's gonna open some eyes. He's gonna Houdini, Abdur some Rahimi down there. You laughin', but you will remember his name. He's from down Georgia way. If that coach down there, that grocery store manager, what's his name, Kroger? Oh, Kruger. Well, if he stays outta Shareef's way, we'll all be remembering both their names.

"I ain't much on coaches in My League. Mostly, I find that they get in the way. I give you George Karl, for example. I give you Rick Pitino. Oh, he's gone back to college? Sweet. Some are good though. Silas, sneaky good. Phil, then my boy in Orlando, Doc-Doc, and Obi-wan Brown in Philly.

R-Dub: "So, you're saying -- I think -- that you like Shareef ."

Road Dog: "Love him, dude."

R-Dub: "Why didn't the Knicks get him, then?"

Road Dog: "I look like I'm running the Knicks? I should be running the Knicks, but are we not in Brooklyn here? Get off the Knicks. Dub, I love the Knicks. I came with the Knicks. I can fight with them, beat them up, talk about them 44 years, but you better not say nothing bad about 'em! You can't talk about 'em, even though I know the Knicks ain't about s---..."

R-Dub: "Dog! This is a PG column."

Road Dog: "G.P.? Where he at?"

R-Dub: "Dog! Get down off the hood of the car! Dog! Don't do it! Is that gasoline? Why you soaking that Dave Checketts dummy in gasoline? Wait, don't use that lighter, Dog! Don't fire up that M-80, too! DOG! NOOOO!"


R-Dub: "Uh, hello, officer. No, I never saw this man before in my life ..."

Ralph Wiley spent nine years at Sports Illustrated and wrote 28 cover stories on celebrity athletes. He is the author of several books, including "Best Seat in the House," "Born to Play: The Eric Davis Story," and "Serenity, A Boxing Memoir."

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