My top 10 reasons why Sunday's AAA Texas 500 (3 p.m. ET, ESPN) promises to be the most spectacular event of any kind ever beheld by mankind.
10. Because Texas Motor Speedway president Eddie Gossage says so.
9. Because TMS draws 8.5 million fans in 3.4 million luxury motor coaches to every single race, and every race gets bigger. (No, Gossage doesn't disclose attendance. You have to go by his insinuations.)
Todd Warshaw/Getty ImagesSunday may be so exciting it will set your hair -- and cars -- on fire!
8. Because prerace ceremonies will include Texas Gov. Rick Perry repeating that speech he made in New Hampshire the other night. ("Live Free or Dah" should draw thunderous cheers at home.)
7. Because the event has a triple-A rating, higher than U.S. Government bonds. (And to think, Gossage got TMS paid for going AAA -- how's that for fiscal responsibility?)
6. Because the highlight of driver introductions will be the firing of chief Chase contenders Carl Edwards and Tony Stewart from twin circus cannons into the grandstands to meet and greet the fans.
5. Because the traffic jams at Cowboy Liquors, just up the interstate from the speedway, will be worse than Woodstock.
4. Because there's this little Mexican restaurant in Lake Worth that leaves our native Texans Terry Blount and K. Lee Davis so blissful, so cheap, that they think nothing but positive thoughts for the rest of the weekend.
3. Because TMS chief publicist Mike Zizzo's late-race nacho buffet costs the track $383,421.97 per person. The tortilla chips are blessed individually atop an ancient Mayan pyramid in the Yucatan. The beans are from Fort Worth's finest Piggly Wiggly.
2. Because Texans who haven't gotten over the World Series will be roaming the parking lots looking for people with Missouri license plates to whup.
1. Because Gossage will be roaming the media center looking for journalists who don't buy his stories to whup.