Chat Mustaches with Dr. Aaron Perlut
Welcome to SportsNation! On Friday, Dr. Aaron Perlut, chairman of the American Mustache Institute (AMI) will stop by to chat about mustaches and sports.
Also a blogger on sports, midgets, mustaches and stupid stuff for JoeSportsFan.com and Asylum.com, Perlut has appeared on ESPN2's First Take, discussing the benefits of mustaches in sports. He's had mustaches on and off since age seven and has experienced first hand the mustach discrimination when he was not allowed to participate in youth football due to concerns that his mustache provides him an unfair advantage.
The AMI will be holding Stache Bash 2009 Friday, Oct. 30 at the Orpheum Theater in St. Louis, where the Robert Goulet Mustache of the Year award will be given out. The Bash helps support Challenger Baseball, a baseball league for kids with disabilities.
Send your questions now and join Dr. Perlut Friday at 2 p.m. ET!
Dr. Aaron (1:57 PM)
Welcome friends. It's been a while -- enough time for me to consume a lot of Rich & Rare Canadian Whiskey and Budweiser. But I'm sure you've missed my robust good looks and back hair. Indeed, it's a great time of year for people of Mustached American heritage as voting for the "Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year" is ongoing and in just a few weeks we'll celebrate 'Stache Bash 2009 presented by Quicken featuring John Oates. Who wants some Hepatitis C! Let's get it on.
Jesus Melendez (Rockford, IL)
Do you think that Clay "Young Rollie" Zavada has a chance to win the Robert Goulet Mustache of the Year Award given the groundswell of support he's been getting from the baseball site hallofverygood.com?
Dr. Aaron (1:58 PM)
Zavada is strong. German female Olympian strong. And currently, he's in the lead so someone -- maybe a batch of dwarfs on crack -- agrees with you.
I can grow a mean beard as well as an impressive neck beard; however, my mustache doesnt grow in full. What can I do to grow a bad*** stache?
Dr. Aaron (1:59 PM)
JoJo, it's really not as complicated as the liberal media makes it out to be. Lots of Rich & Rare Canadian Whiskey helps. So does watching old episodes of Baywatch.
HairDownDer (St. Louis)
What do you think about growing a mustache out of my crotchal hair? Heard any success stories?
Dr. Aaron (2:00 PM)
That's a very, very silly question .....but it also has some scientific relevancy if you are to examine some of the neo-Christian doctrines of the early 19th Century.
Ryan W (Chicago, IL) [via mobile]
Hello Dr. Perlut, what are the advantages of mustaches in sports? Also, what is your favorite lip fur you have seen? Thank you!
Dr. Aaron (2:01 PM)
Our research dept. led by the esteemed Dr. Daniel Callahan has found that indeed, a mustache is the ultimate performance enhancing module of justice. More so than steroids, HGH, or Mike Lupica.
worst beard: Andy Reid's playoff beard or anything Brad Childress grows?
Dr. Aaron (2:04 PM)
You must consider the girth of Reid's neck in this equation. More important, it's interesting that Reid, Mike Holmgren, and PGA tour pro Craig Stadler are actually one in the same person. That's why you never see them together. Now, he's even gone so far as to add a beard when dressing as an Eagles coach. Deplorable.
canoe bleedat (st. louis)
dr. perlut, i am of american-indian descent and find it very difficult to grow a complete stache. i have contemplated having one tattooed on my face. with that being said, would i be accepted into the american mustache institute or is there a prejudice against those who are facially hair challenged. i hope that this is not the case as i was going to go with the robert goulet design and hope to be this year's award winner.
Dr. Aaron (2:06 PM)
You are of American-Indian descent, I am of Mustached American descent. We've both faced tragedy and discrimination. But what you suffer from is called Bare Upper Lip Disorder or BULD. And those who fear BULD suffer from Bare Upper Lip Syndrome or BULS. What you must do is concentrate on supporting the Mustached American way of life, if you will. Applaud Mustached Americans as they walk down the street. Help older Mustached Americans cross the street. Kick cats and consume them in omelets. And never listen to Dave Navarro music nor watch SEx & The City.
Best Mustache in Pro Sports currently?
Dr. Aaron (2:06 PM)
Jason LaRue, Cardinals back-up catcher.
Kanye West (Chicago)
Dr. Aaron, I'mma let you finish, but Dick Dasterdly had one of the greatest cartoon staches of all time!
Dr. Aaron (2:07 PM)
But Kayne, don't forget J-STache, the long-lost mustache of John Oates. Check it out at jstache.com. Very solid.
I went to school with Zavada. He didn't have the stache back in the day.
Dr. Aaron (2:08 PM)
Some people, as I do, come from Mustached American descent. Some learn the sexually adventurous lifestyle we live. Whatever is the case for Clay, he is good people, and his brother Dusty, who is in the Navy, is actually a member of the American Mustache Institute.
I've never seen my father without a mustache. Something makes me think it holds super powers. Is there anything to this, or am I just imagining things?
Dr. Aaron (2:09 PM)
It's a very good thing you've never seen your father without a mustache, because as it is written in the Dead Sea Scrolls, each time a mustache is shaved, an angel in heaven dies and falls to earth. And that, my friends, is not very good for anyone.
I'd like to share a short story. When I was in 6th grade, my mustache began growing, and the kids teased me. One day, the class had breakfast, and while I was drinking orange juice, the spillage was evident, and I was laughed at and teased. Now, fast forward 20 years, my mustache is the stuff of legends. Thank you.
Dr. Aaron (2:11 PM)
No Jason, thank you. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for living the Mustached American dream. Thank you for being you...and not Zach Benabid.
The bartender (J Bucks)
Do you need eye black to ward off the sun if you have a mustace?
Dr. Aaron (2:12 PM)
Good question. You need to understand what a mustache is, and is not capable of. Does it allow us to wear shirts with the collars up? No, we cannot do that, nor can we operate Blackberrys. But can it reflect the sun or allow us to crack a pistachio nut from 50 paces? Indeed it can. Indeed it can.
The bartender (J Bucks)
Do you think Holliday would have list it in the lights had he sported a stache like Ryan?
Dr. Aaron (2:14 PM)
I can only equate Matt Holliday's gaffe to what happened to Rick Ankiel earlier this year. To wit: he grew a labia sebucula (Latin for "lip sweater") and his batting average rose some 80 points. He shaved it, disgusting our people, and he hurt his neck diving into the center field wall for a fly ball. If he had the mustache in tact, it would have cushioned the blow and he would not have gone on the DL. Silly Rick.
Any issues with the mustache color that just doesn't match the hair?
Dr. Aaron (2:14 PM)
In the case of a Mustached American, the carpet need not match the curtains.
Suburban white guy (Springfield, VA)
Dr Aaron, did Moses and those guys have mustaches? Also, do you really have to dance with the girl you came to this dance with?
Dr. Aaron (2:16 PM)
Let me answer the second question first: You've got to girl with the dance you came with. Secondly, when Moses was parting the Red Sea, his mustache was eaten off of his face by Emmanuel Lewis who played "Webster" on ABC in the 1980s
Adam morrison stache...It is a little to 70's low budget filmy for meYour thoughts?
Dr. Aaron (2:18 PM)
Mr. Morrison is heavily criticized. I'm often asked about his mustache as an example of a "bad" mustache. But just like there is no such thing as a bad midget, or like there is no such thing as a smile on Bob Lee's face during SportsCenter, there is no such thing as a bad mustache.
LipMagnet (Los Angeles)
I took my kids to see "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" last night. There was a very significant scene that involved a mustache and there were in fact, many mustaches featured throughout the picture. I'm just wondering if this is a new trend in feature animation? Is this a harbinger of things to come for mustachios?
Dr. Aaron (2:19 PM)
Both Mr. T and mustaches are the most significant trend in animation and Japanimation and both are in "Cloudy." Great flick.
Brendan Ryan from the Cards? Is his terrible 'stache the real reason the team is down 0-2 in the playoffs?
Dr. Aaron (2:20 PM)
Sweet Jesus no Matt! Had you ever heard of Brendan Ryan prior to him growing his mustache? He was an also-ran player and the Cards were nowhere near considered to be a playoff team at the beginning of this season. Mistakes happen -- Tom Delay got elected to Congress -- so give our man a pass and let's forget you ever asked that question.
mustaches are pointless. their just pointless things in life that people think are cool
Dr. Aaron (2:21 PM)
Jack, thank you for joining us. It's good to have dissent in our dialogue, even by the weak. And without the impenetrable good looks of the Mustached American community, our nation would be 38 percent uglier. So thanks for stopping by and justifying everything about our lifestyle.
For a long distance runner which mustache would you say had least wind resistance, I was thinking a handlebar would be best.
Dr. Aaron (2:23 PM)
The least wind resistance in our testing labs as been the "toothbrush" or "dictator" mustache. But since Adolph Hitler ruined that, you may want to go with a pencil thin so that you don't end up being chased down the street by a mob of Jewish clergy.
Despite the power of the stache, how do you explain the Yankees being the most successful franchise in team sports despite having a strict facial hair policy?
Dr. Aaron (2:24 PM)
So glad you brought this up Nate. The Yankees, while not allowing beard, do allow mustaches but it's a very strict policy. They cannot go beneath the corner of the lips so most Yankees who wear mustaches go with the Chevron style.
Rollie Fingers (via mobile)
Who else, besides me of course, would be on the Mt. Rushmore of sports mustaches?
Dr. Aaron (2:25 PM)
Al Hrabosky, Goose Gossage, Hulk Hogan are in the conversation. So would George Parros, Conrad Dobler, Lanny McDonald and Ben Davidson
is a stache really a mustache if accompanied by and connected to a full beard?
Dr. Aaron (2:27 PM)
The American Mustache Institute is a hardline organization, much like the right wing of the Israeli Parliament. We believe the beard or goatee to constitute the "spousal compromise" or the half-way meeting point between the utter weakness of the clean shaven and the unvarnished power of the Mustached American.It's where your wife or girlfriend or male lover says, "you know honey, that mustache is intimidating and too powerful for me. But I could deal with a goatee or beard."
Do you believe in dying ones mustache or is that sacrilege?
Dr. Aaron (2:27 PM)
I actually dye my back hair so I'll have to say no
lizbeth (san fran)
I don't know what all this "manly" conversation is about. As a very strong, athletic female I have sported lip hair since I was ten. I would maybe like to hear a little bit from the Mrs. Dr. Perlut, and yes, talk a little Sex and the City and softball.
Dr. Aaron (2:28 PM)
You are always welcome in my community my dear. The women's East German poll vault team from 1964 makes up one of the AMI's strongest chapters.
I'm 25 now and can't grow a mustache to save my life. I can't even grow a full beard. Any tips for me?
Dr. Aaron (2:29 PM)
Another BULD sufferer. Very sad. You are one in 18.5 Americans. Drink vast quantities of Rich & Rare Canadian Whiskey, Budweiser, and dance more often than not.
Does President Obama need to grow a stache in order to be more respected worldwide? Let's be honest, Castro has been rockin' the stache for decades.
Dr. Aaron (2:30 PM)
We have made this request of him. Today he was given the Nobel Peace Prize. Imagine with a mustache? He would qualify for the Goulet (BTW, go vote here: http://www.americanmustacheinstitute.org/MustacheAmericanOfYear-Voting.aspx.
Have you ever used the pick-up line "Would you like a free Mustache Ride"? If so, was it successful?
Dr. Aaron (2:31 PM)
I have not had to use that. Mustached American people need say very little to the ladies when looking for an amorous liaison. Keep that in mind if you wish to remain in our good graces young sir.
Is there anything more enjoyable than watching two drunken midgets with mustaches fighting it out, I think its the national sport of Peru.
Dr. Aaron (2:31 PM)
Lloyd, you have taken the words right out of my mustache.
I don't want to blaspheme here, but what if Jesus had grown a nice porn 'stache? Does the whole execution thing still happen?
Dr. Aaron (2:32 PM)
I've actually spoken with Jesus about this -- twice. He's good with the beard although I explained the "spousal compromise" issue to him. He said Mary dogged him for so long that he finally gave it and it's now kind of his "thing"
What's the best affordable razor, every man can buy to keep his chops sculpted right?
Dr. Aaron (2:34 PM)
Since no razor company's have partnered with the American Mustache institute, I cannot endorse. I would, however, like you to watch this video from AMI and Quicken: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sni8ewT_Wak
Peter Griffin: 'here may be more lapsitting then there has been and i may answer most of your questions with a story, but mostly my moustache tells people that there is a 90% chance that I am poorly educated, that I keep up-scale porn magazinesout in the open, and that i listen to the Little River Band with giant headphone'your response, please
Dr. Aaron (2:34 PM)
Nicely done Jeremy. And speaking of Peter Griffin and mustaches, watch this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sni8ewT_Wak
May we laugh and gawk at those actors who cannot grow the stache and must resort to spirit glueing their waste from the shower catch to their upper lip?
Dr. Aaron (2:35 PM)
I laugh ad naseum. Yes we can. Yes we can
Matthew (Greensboro, N.C.)
Will the famed 'Triple Threat' (afro, mustache, turtleneck) ever been seen again in the sports world?
Dr. Aaron (2:36 PM)
Matthew, you are clearly a true believer in the AMI and our way of life to know of the 1970s "triple threat". If you've ever seen our AMI interview page -- great pic of Mike Schmidt with this: http://www.americanmustacheinstitute.org/MustacheInterviews.aspx
My girlfriend says my mustache makes me look like a child predator and wants me to shave it off, is putting a hit out on her too rough or should I just break up with her?
Dr. Aaron (2:37 PM)
My friend, mustached Americans do not put out hits. We take care of our own business. Have you not seen a mugshot on TV lately?
Are the powers of the mustache enhanced or diminished when accompanied by a uni-brow?
Dr. Aaron (2:37 PM)
Unibrows only add extra flavoring and at double impact to people who cross our paths.
Being from Wisconsin, it's only fitting that the best I could do in the mustache department was always.......cheesy.
Dr. Aaron (2:38 PM)
Sweet Lord Scott -- have some confidence. Never have I seen more mustaches per capita than at a Packers game. Remember who you are and where you come from and don't ever -- ever -- come back in this chat room again.
Stan (Palm Springs)
Firefighters are not allowed to wear mustaches because it supposedly interferes with emergency breathing machines, have the AMI scientist been able to debunk this yet?
Dr. Aaron (2:40 PM)
Stan, this is simply not true. About 97% of firefighters and law enforcement officers are actually issues Chevron-style mustaches when joining the force. It's standard issue.
Who can the African American community turn to, for modern day inspiration?
Dr. Aaron (2:41 PM)
Actually, unlike white America -- the black community in America remained true to the Mustached American lifestyle after the 1970s. I'd imagine this is because heroes of black culture like the Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr., Malcolm X, and Todd Bridges were Mustached Americans.
Dr. Aaron (2:42 PM)
Fellers, this has been wonderful. Thank you again and please vote for the Goulet award on AmericanMustacheInstitute.org and join us for 'Stache Bash 2009, presented by Quicken and Budweiser, featuring John Oates on Oct. 30 in St. Louis.Carry on.